AMERICA'S SKINNIEST BABY

I was at the laundromat the other day, minding my own God-given business, enjoying a good read while the washer cleaned all the pickle stains out of my slacks when I noticed that ALL the dryers were taken. By default, this would make any red-blooded cool dude scream "ah shit" in his head while remaining silent and stoic on the outside, but there was only one other person there doing laundry.

THIS DAMN LADY

took up all 8 or so dryers -- towels (2) in one, what looked like 3 hankerchiefs in another, etc. etc. so I was extra piffed. I can understand the science behind separating colours and dainties during the wash cycle even though I'm a pretty standard "sexies in one machine, corduroy in the another" type of guy, but when it comes to drying, all clothes are created equal. And if you are crazy enough to separate your drying, do it in the comfort of your own laundromat.

Anyway, to end this story, while this huge Latvian(?) woman was out doing something non-laundry related I removed her two towels from a machine that could hold at least fifty towels and half a tux, and loaded my full arsenal in. She didn't care.

THEN an Asian lady dropped some panties right in front of me, and in the instant I realized it was the toughest moral decision in my life: do I pick them up and be the nice guy? Or do I leave them and be the reasonable guy? Obvisously if this lady were a Kathy Ireland type with the breasts of a teenaged Soleil Moon-Frye I would have picked them up immediately and said "The name's Klein. Calvin Klein. I made you these".

Today's garbage day on the Internet. Here's some trash you can sort through before R@s and RAMcoons get at it:

COOL ITEMS IN MY KNAPSACK

LAUNDRY TALK - with me, the author

If you go to the laundry mat on a Monday morning you're probably not going to meet any babes of destiny as Josh Hartnett did in 2002's sex-centric 40 Days and 40 Nights, a film about a hunk who tries really hard not to have sex. If only hunks realized how hard it is for some people to have sex in the first place. Down with hunks!

Anyway, you're more likely, as I did, to meet poor, lonely old men and quiet Asians. Am I complaining? NO. I've already met a babe of destiny and I didn't need a laundry mat to facilitate it, so sharing a space with a few weirdos for an hour is just fine with me. Although if some chicky waltzed in and started washing all her bikinis, leather pants and bustiers in plain view you wouldn't find me complaining.

Yesterday I talked to three seperate old guys while washing my cool threads. One guy just sort of stopped in the doorway on his bike and said to me:

"Hey buddy, why did the lamb fall off the cliff"

Then I said "What?"

And he said, "Do you know what a lamb is?"

I said, "What do I look like, some kind of a jerk?" I didn't say that, but I wanted to.

He repeated the joke and then came the punch line:

"He took a ewe turn"

mar mar mar

Then he noticed this other old guy who was washing shirts who looked liked he was 90 and they had a chat that was capped off by the Joke Man telling me he knew Super Old for like 40 years.

Here's what I've been getting at, unrelated to laundry - I think someone's weirdness/craziness is based on environment. Like when that really old guy came I was like "oh man this guy is old and weird" but the only reason I thought that is because in my mind old guys like that shouldn't be in the city doing their own laundry. Someone should be doing that shit for them. But that guy probably just isn't that lucky. As for the joke man, he was probably just a friendly dude, even though I was taken aback by him just riding up and telling me an old joke.

My experience was book-ended by a visit from that guy who stands on the corner of Queen and Spadina and yells about textiles. He walked in, talked to me about the weather and was on his way. No laundry, all talk. The great thing about dudes like that is that they probably don't have a lot in life, so having a simple, solid conversation with a stranger probably means more to them than it would to guys like me who are rich beyond your wildest dreams. When I was a blue collar worker during my summers in university, the people who tipped the most were the people who had the least. Rich guys never tipped. They were too busy waxing their skiis and polishing their emeralds.

So check out 40 Days and 40 Nights available to rent at your local video store. For laundry talk, I've been G.W. Macaulay.