UH OLD

Ohhhhh I missed writing to you guys on the Internet so bad! I couldn't fully enjoy the sites, sounds, tastes and butts of Italy knowing that your computer screens lacked updates about my life and how my herb garden is doing. I haven't checked yet, but I think it's fine. It had better be, because I have a load of new Italian-inspired dishes that will require the freshest herbs and the coldest salt.

Were I to recap the whole thing, it'd be so vivid and intriguing that you'd feel like you were there with me, except you'd be able to envision yourself as being way cooler than you actually are. My ideal self smokes little cigars and calls women "honey bees". Since you didn't pay for this vacation I'm not going to provide you with that kind of experience. You can sign up for the premium version of this blog and I'll give you a personal recap specifically designed to your personality, and you'll also get exclusive web content and some rare up-skirts from my younger, wilder days.

These Italian travel slogans I came up with should give you a good idea of how I viewed the country of brotherly love:

Italy - Nobody Works
Italy - A Lot Of Old Pretty Shit
Italy - Churches
Italy - The Garbage Man Dresses Better Than You
Italy - No Shower Curtains

In a country full of eye-bogglers, I think the David statue and St. Peter's Bascillica got my nips tingling the most. The food was incredible as promised by popular culture and the weather was hot and sunny, which is what turns Italians that beautiful shade of light black. I didn't get a sunburn, but I did choke on pizza the last day and had to manually pull a string of cheese out of my throat.

The whole reason I went in the first place was because my dad was having a university engineering reunion there and since me and my real sister had never been we decided to tag along. Hanging out with middle-aged people is fun because they think you're so young even though you're losing your hair and going gray.

This happened a lot

Engineer reunion final party at millionaire's house. This guy is making everyone "pizza", an Italian dish that is pretty much bread with cheese and tomato sauce.

This guy was slicing a delicious piglet that I eventually ate.

That zit under my eye has been there for like, two months, no joke.

Now I'm back in Toronto where I'm looking to make a big impact on the local snooker scene. Whenever I get back from a major vacation I have to take a new career. So that's it for the blog, it's been great writing to guys for the last couple of year and I wish you health, love, power, kids, jewels and meat in the future.

Yeah right! I haven't changed! Italy hasn't changed me! The only thing that's different is that I bought expensive sunglasses. Don't tell any robbers about that.

AREEVADER CHI

Guys

I'm in Italy RIGHT now. It's like California but no rock n roll and no burgers. You'd think that'd be bad but this place rules. I've never been a huge fan of Italians because they used to yell at my soccer games and they wear shirts that say they're the best, but they truly have a lot to brag about. Everyone here dresses nice, even the truck drivers. They feed you until you barf then feed you more and then you have a nice poo. Coffee and wine all the time.