October 12, 2012



Apples, cheese, nails, and wall paper -- the kind of stuff you'd find in a traditional modern sampler. Today, like a lot of days on my Internet, I'm going to provide with a sample of thoughts and squirts meant to encourage conversation about the world we live in today. I feel like I haven't been very communicative lately both in real life and in cyberspace so if the following feels disjointed and doesn't make much sense at all, please realize I'm just having a good long barf. 

First up,


Here's a digital piece I made yesterday. If I were going to lie to you in a funny way I'd say something like "The Prince of Tourism sent me an email asking if I'd be interested in helping them out with a new campaign. A barrel of figs and an email money transfer later, I took to the Photoshop." But I do that a lot and no one believes me anyway. I was just dickin' around! I wondered what C-3PO would look like with beautiful eyes and the rest wrote itself. In retrospect I should've added a little birdie on the the bot's finger. Or if I was better at Photoshop I could've added another human reacting to the smell of the finger, the result of the classic gas joke.

Art World Op-Ed

There's this beautiful time-lapse video of Toronto going around and everyone's like "I forgot how pretty this place is" and, "we're lucky to live here". I'm weary of this. I'm weary of photos that look better than real life. It's not about capturing a moment anymore, it's about making a things look as if the original FX team for TRON added a touch of their signature spice. I walk around this town every day and I look up and sideways and I see the same stuff but unfortunately my eyeballs don't have a telephoto lens and my brain doesn't have Nikon's SteadyShot CrystalVision HD HighGloss InferREAD technology. There's too many cameras out there. No one is satisfied with just looking at things anymore. Pass me the gin I'm thirsty!


Waldo is in the sparkle of every child's eye when they visit the aquarium for the first time and there's a penguin who shares their name.

Good Living Tip (cc Chatelaine Magazine)

Count your spoons every night before you go to bed so that lost spoons is one less thing you have to worry about during the quiet retrospection before the morning bungee jump.

The Best Way To Communicate Today

Because I have a degree in Communication Studies I often get asked, "What's the best way to communicate these days?". The easy answer is shouting and wiggles, but when it comes to today's technocracy a mobile phone hard wired to an ultra-fast multi-bit grid is your best bet. If you don't have the tools to build one yourself then take a couple hours, get out of the lab and head to the mall where quality, pre-made units are readily available, albeit for an inflated price. Don't be perturbed as these manufacturers need to take into account labour and staff dinners at the crab shack to recoup costs and turn a profit ensuring the gladness of their lords.

Once purchased fill your new unit with definite and probable contacts using your personal phone page that ideally should be locked away in the vault. In any case, call your definite contacts and re-introduce yourself, letting them know that due to your new equipment, your voice may seem distant and ghostly. If two or more of your definite contacts do not believe you, arrange for a community roundtable where you can give a live demo and ease their trembles. For your probable contacts, come up with a question that when answered correctly will allow the contact to move to your definite list. If they answer incorrectly, either delete them entirely and take down their photo from "The Wall of Them", or have them remain as probable and ask them a new question the following quarter. Here's an example of a conversation I had recently with a former co-worker, Bill, whose number I wasn't sure I needed to keep:

Me: Hello, Bill?
Bill: Yes, who is this? (Bill did not recognize my new number or the digital projection of my voice)
Me: Bill. Tell me: When the jester smiles, the king cries blood and two princes dance with shame. The queen lurks behind the throne but no one knows her name. Who killed the king, Bill?
Bill: Sorry, I think you have the wrong number.
Me: Answer right, don't answer poor and I will assign you speed dial four.
*Bill Hangs Up*

I was now free to omit Bill from my new unit and move on to more potentially deserving candidates.

If this sounds like shit then just use flags.

Have a great weekend, no weak ends! It's getting cold outside so wrap your willy in a condom and do the wild thing, woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ya. Ladies, bra away as usual, keep those bongos blazin'!

October 4, 2012


Welcome to "Hollywood Movie Pitch Minute" where we give screenwriters the chance to pitch their scripts to Hollywood executives. Thanks to the Internet, Hollywood executives will probably see this because this is on the Internet and they're all so rich that they all have the Internet. If not for Hollywood Movie Pitch Minute the public might have never seen Gerby Productions' underappreciated VHS tape Shovels for Jamie. Okay boys your minute starts now, pitch away!

 Adam & Eve Vs. Cavemen & Dinosaurs

Tagline -- In the battle for rocks and meat, there are no winners, only champions...

Dream Cast

Tom Hardy as Caveman Donf
Jennifer Lawrence as Cavewoman Barp
Andy Serkis as Dinosaur Bib Boib
Andrew Garfield as Adam
Elizabeth Olsen as Eve
Ted Danson as Christian God
William H. Macy as Caveman Lord
and Martin Short as the Story Teller

"They're dumb, but strong"
- Adam (Andrew Garfield) after first encounter Cavemen

The United States in America is currently a nation deeply divided. There are those religious traditionalists who believe the Earth was actually created by God with a snap of the fingers and wink of the eye. Then there are the so-called intellectuals who have synthesized years of human study to surmise the Earth began in space and that humans were created low and slow. But what if they were both right?

The screenwriting duo of Theo Spores and Fernando (Come Scream With Me, Ding Dong! It's You, @rmy W@rs) attempt to answer this question in their new script Adam & Eve Vs. Cavemen & Dinosaurs.

When Adam and Eve decide to take a vacation for a couple of weeks (pre-snake) leaving their paradise and nest made of old birds, they stumble upon a primitive society of neanderthals and their domestic dinos. Adam goes to take a shower under a waterfall leaving Eve alone to be hunted by the cavemen's greatest warrior and sexiest chef, Donf. It's a lot like Dances with Wolves for awhile over at caveman HQ. Meanwhile, Adam begins to enjoy the new single life and learns how to ride cheetahs. But then he falls off one and is taken in by the beautiful cavewoman Barp, who also happens to be Donf's fourth girlfriend!

With action you'd call "just right", humour that's pretty good and a love story instead of too much drama, Adam & Eve Vs. Cavemen & Dinosaurs is sure to garner critical praise and box office success. Please buy this script and let's have some fun, shall we?

Here are some promotional images our friend whipped up:

October 2, 2012


It's too bad that drug addicts couldn't just stop for awhile so that those who make drugs will be forced to make better, non-addictive ones that don't make you sell your dad's best Birkenstocks just to get a sweet taste. Because in theory drugs are pretty great. They're supposed to make you feel good, which some people need because let's face it, humans haven't had any good news in a long time. Sure, we're done with fighting wars in disease-ridden mud but it's been far too long since we tried to fly to the moon or had a guy like Gandhi telling us to just relax and stop spitting on each other.  

Some people claim they know how to get high without using drugs. These are the type of people who skydive, rollerblade and keep tea in their ears, but you wouldn't boil a cat if you had a hankering for Peking duck, know what I mean? What I'm trying to say is that getting high is about sitting down and doing nothing while your brain tells you otherwise. Rich people don't need to do drugs because they have enough money to keep their minds happy with lavish hotel suites and equipment that make the ocean a great place, while poor people drown in the ocean and consider going to the mall and checking out the fountains a big time outing. Instead of vacations they use drugs, KFC and video games to get away, but like most shortcuts in life, this one usually leads to poison ivy. Due to a mixture of general happiness, fear and financial responsibility, I feel no need to get deep into the world of our most coveted illegal drugs, but still, every so often you need something a little stronger than a Kit Kat to catch a break. That's why I've devised a few ways to mimic some basic drug induced experiences that everyone, including children, can enjoy.

Chicken Soup for the Ways to Get High Without Getting High

1. Ontario Nightshade

When I have to get up in the middle of the night I try to stay as asleep as possible while doing so just so I can get back to sleep easier. There isn't much to it, I just try to keep everything shut down, including my thoughts and eyes.

Recently I had to get up for a regular toilet trip and this time around I kept one eye shut and one eye open in order to let as little light into my head as I could. Heading back to the bed, I opened the eye that had been closed, and because the eye that had been opened was already adjusted to the light and the other wasn't, my vision got all weird (psychedelic). I thought there was a bug in my eye (hallucination). It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened, at which point I thought of writing this article.The rest of the drugs probably won't be as good because I had to think about them.

2. Upper Downer

This is an old schoolyard trick that's just as mind-altering as it was back when your mom ordered your haircuts and sugar and fire crackers were about as illegal as things got. All you have to do is lie down on your back (throw on some Yes to heighten the experience), close your eyes then raise your arms straight up. Leave them there for as long as you can then lower them very slowly back down to the ground. If you've done it correctly it'll feel as if your arms are going through the floor before safely returning to the...floor. This was actually a light form of torture used by the British during the Boer War. They'd bring in a prisoner and set him or her in front of a guy dressed as Merlin. Merlin would then proceed with the Upper Downer, claiming he made the floor disappear. If the prisoner cooperated he or she was rewarded with an apple and two shillings, while if they didn't cooperate they were filled with sand and used to hold down catapults.

3. Dream £▐■▐

If you've ever been asleep then you've probably taken a drug called "dreams". The big problem with dreams is that it's hard to get good ones, much like this one kind of cocaine that can add 4 feet to your highest jumps. I can't really tell you how to have a good, clear dream, but probably the easiest way is to stay up for two days watching a good mixture of pornography, horror movies and Ghostbusters while eating a lot of Chinese food. At the very least this will ensure a deep sleep meaning if you do get to a point where you're dreaming hard, you probably won't get woken up by anything.

5. Spinners

Find yourself a room with minimal amounts of Fabergé eggs and spin yourself around as fast as you can for as long as you can. When you're done you'll probably fall over and feel what's it's like to completely lose control.

6. Baked Ice Cream

You'll need two things for this drug -- winter and a hot tub. Sit in the hot tub and talk to your friends about whatever, baseball cards, chalk, it doesn't matter. When your body temperature has reached pre-lobster jump out of the tub and go play in the snow. You won't even feel cold (for a bit). Finish your night off with a bowl of soup and a good book and you're really livin'.

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