October 2, 2012


It's too bad that drug addicts couldn't just stop for awhile so that those who make drugs will be forced to make better, non-addictive ones that don't make you sell your dad's best Birkenstocks just to get a sweet taste. Because in theory drugs are pretty great. They're supposed to make you feel good, which some people need because let's face it, humans haven't had any good news in a long time. Sure, we're done with fighting wars in disease-ridden mud but it's been far too long since we tried to fly to the moon or had a guy like Gandhi telling us to just relax and stop spitting on each other.  

Some people claim they know how to get high without using drugs. These are the type of people who skydive, rollerblade and keep tea in their ears, but you wouldn't boil a cat if you had a hankering for Peking duck, know what I mean? What I'm trying to say is that getting high is about sitting down and doing nothing while your brain tells you otherwise. Rich people don't need to do drugs because they have enough money to keep their minds happy with lavish hotel suites and equipment that make the ocean a great place, while poor people drown in the ocean and consider going to the mall and checking out the fountains a big time outing. Instead of vacations they use drugs, KFC and video games to get away, but like most shortcuts in life, this one usually leads to poison ivy. Due to a mixture of general happiness, fear and financial responsibility, I feel no need to get deep into the world of our most coveted illegal drugs, but still, every so often you need something a little stronger than a Kit Kat to catch a break. That's why I've devised a few ways to mimic some basic drug induced experiences that everyone, including children, can enjoy.

Chicken Soup for the Ways to Get High Without Getting High

1. Ontario Nightshade

When I have to get up in the middle of the night I try to stay as asleep as possible while doing so just so I can get back to sleep easier. There isn't much to it, I just try to keep everything shut down, including my thoughts and eyes.

Recently I had to get up for a regular toilet trip and this time around I kept one eye shut and one eye open in order to let as little light into my head as I could. Heading back to the bed, I opened the eye that had been closed, and because the eye that had been opened was already adjusted to the light and the other wasn't, my vision got all weird (psychedelic). I thought there was a bug in my eye (hallucination). It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened, at which point I thought of writing this article.The rest of the drugs probably won't be as good because I had to think about them.

2. Upper Downer

This is an old schoolyard trick that's just as mind-altering as it was back when your mom ordered your haircuts and sugar and fire crackers were about as illegal as things got. All you have to do is lie down on your back (throw on some Yes to heighten the experience), close your eyes then raise your arms straight up. Leave them there for as long as you can then lower them very slowly back down to the ground. If you've done it correctly it'll feel as if your arms are going through the floor before safely returning to the...floor. This was actually a light form of torture used by the British during the Boer War. They'd bring in a prisoner and set him or her in front of a guy dressed as Merlin. Merlin would then proceed with the Upper Downer, claiming he made the floor disappear. If the prisoner cooperated he or she was rewarded with an apple and two shillings, while if they didn't cooperate they were filled with sand and used to hold down catapults.

3. Dream £▐■▐

If you've ever been asleep then you've probably taken a drug called "dreams". The big problem with dreams is that it's hard to get good ones, much like this one kind of cocaine that can add 4 feet to your highest jumps. I can't really tell you how to have a good, clear dream, but probably the easiest way is to stay up for two days watching a good mixture of pornography, horror movies and Ghostbusters while eating a lot of Chinese food. At the very least this will ensure a deep sleep meaning if you do get to a point where you're dreaming hard, you probably won't get woken up by anything.

5. Spinners

Find yourself a room with minimal amounts of Fabergé eggs and spin yourself around as fast as you can for as long as you can. When you're done you'll probably fall over and feel what's it's like to completely lose control.

6. Baked Ice Cream

You'll need two things for this drug -- winter and a hot tub. Sit in the hot tub and talk to your friends about whatever, baseball cards, chalk, it doesn't matter. When your body temperature has reached pre-lobster jump out of the tub and go play in the snow. You won't even feel cold (for a bit). Finish your night off with a bowl of soup and a good book and you're really livin'.

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