DIVE DOWN AS DEEP AS YOU WANT BUT I'M TELLING YOU THERE'S NO HONEY DOWN THERE

SAMPLER

Apples, cheese, nails, and wall paper -- the kind of stuff you'd find in a traditional modern sampler. Today, like a lot of days on my Internet, I'm going to provide with a sample of thoughts and squirts meant to encourage conversation about the world we live in today. I feel like I haven't been very communicative lately both in real life and in cyberspace so if the following feels disjointed and doesn't make much sense at all, please realize I'm just having a good long barf. 

First up,

ART WORLD

Here's a digital piece I made yesterday. If I were going to lie to you in a funny way I'd say something like "The Prince of Tourism sent me an email asking if I'd be interested in helping them out with a new campaign. A barrel of figs and an email money transfer later, I took to the Photoshop." But I do that a lot and no one believes me anyway. I was just dickin' around! I wondered what C-3PO would look like with beautiful eyes and the rest wrote itself. In retrospect I should've added a little birdie on the the bot's finger. Or if I was better at Photoshop I could've added another human reacting to the smell of the finger, the result of the classic gas joke.

Art World Op-Ed

There's this beautiful time-lapse video of Toronto going around and everyone's like "I forgot how pretty this place is" and, "we're lucky to live here". I'm weary of this. I'm weary of photos that look better than real life. It's not about capturing a moment anymore, it's about making a things look as if the original FX team for TRON added a touch of their signature spice. I walk around this town every day and I look up and sideways and I see the same stuff but unfortunately my eyeballs don't have a telephoto lens and my brain doesn't have Nikon's SteadyShot CrystalVision HD HighGloss InferREAD technology. There's too many cameras out there. No one is satisfied with just looking at things anymore. Pass me the gin I'm thirsty!

WHERE'S WALDO?

Waldo is in the sparkle of every child's eye when they visit the aquarium for the first time and there's a penguin who shares their name.

Good Living Tip (cc Chatelaine Magazine)

Count your spoons every night before you go to bed so that lost spoons is one less thing you have to worry about during the quiet retrospection before the morning bungee jump.

The Best Way To Communicate Today

Because I have a degree in Communication Studies I often get asked, "What's the best way to communicate these days?". The easy answer is shouting and wiggles, but when it comes to today's technocracy a mobile phone hard wired to an ultra-fast multi-bit grid is your best bet. If you don't have the tools to build one yourself then take a couple hours, get out of the lab and head to the mall where quality, pre-made units are readily available, albeit for an inflated price. Don't be perturbed as these manufacturers need to take into account labour and staff dinners at the crab shack to recoup costs and turn a profit ensuring the gladness of their lords.

Once purchased fill your new unit with definite and probable contacts using your personal phone page that ideally should be locked away in the vault. In any case, call your definite contacts and re-introduce yourself, letting them know that due to your new equipment, your voice may seem distant and ghostly. If two or more of your definite contacts do not believe you, arrange for a community roundtable where you can give a live demo and ease their trembles. For your probable contacts, come up with a question that when answered correctly will allow the contact to move to your definite list. If they answer incorrectly, either delete them entirely and take down their photo from "The Wall of Them", or have them remain as probable and ask them a new question the following quarter. Here's an example of a conversation I had recently with a former co-worker, Bill, whose number I wasn't sure I needed to keep:

Me: Hello, Bill?
Bill: Yes, who is this? (Bill did not recognize my new number or the digital projection of my voice)
Me: Bill. Tell me: When the jester smiles, the king cries blood and two princes dance with shame. The queen lurks behind the throne but no one knows her name. Who killed the king, Bill?
Bill: Sorry, I think you have the wrong number.
Me: Answer right, don't answer poor and I will assign you speed dial four.
*Bill Hangs Up*

I was now free to omit Bill from my new unit and move on to more potentially deserving candidates.

If this sounds like shit then just use flags.

Have a great weekend, no weak ends! It's getting cold outside so wrap your willy in a condom and do the wild thing, woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ya. Ladies, bra away as usual, keep those bongos blazin'!