TEN TO LIFE JUST FOR SWALLOWING GUM AND NOT TELLING

THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE U.S.A. ELECTION ON THIS WEBSITE

My phone has been buzzing in my pants non-stop since Barack Obama re-took the Eagle Bone Throne in Washington, D.C., A.D. And no, the calls haven't all been well-wishers, it's been mostly media and political analysts trying to get the scoop on how Obama's re-election will effect this funny website and myself personally. Instead of paying for studio time and an able-bodied crew to put together an hour long prime time special hosted by my girl Holly Robinson-Peete (she owes me a favour after I babysat her bat), I think I'll just address everything here.

And yes, I do know that I'm Canadian and that my sarge is Steve Harper, but most of my favourite shows and some of my all-time favourite snacks are from America, which if you know anything about NAFTA is basically a passport. Plus, I live about 90 minutes from Buffalo, commonly known as America's Best Kept Secret because they seriously don't want anyone to know it's there. 

I hope that Obama makes some strong moves on environmental policy that will hopefully influence some of our more conservative regulations. Two years ago I bought a nice slab of land to turn into an orchard that would allow me to start making baby food that isn't just Cheerios ground into oatmeal and Fruit Roll-Ups (we went belly up after three hours but that night's goodbye party where we took care of our existing stock was both crunchy AND chewy). Everything orchard-wise was ready to go until a Federal inspector audited the property and determined that my trees wouldn't be allowed to re-produce until 2017. Apparently the Government decided our country's trees had an international reputation for being too slutty after a group of Japanese diplomats were horrified to see a field of Douglas Firs absolutely covered in acorns, whirlibirds and sap while they toured the Canadian Tires of North Bay. So I was forced to throw what is known as a "Non-Penis Tree Sized Ultra Slim Sheath" over some of my most virile fruit trees meaning my second baby food business was again finished before it started. Instead I took what little fruit I had and sold fresh juices to the boys at the neighbouring FedEx hub and managed to gain great insight into modern logistics and how to send a dog to Brighton for less than thirty quid.

Hopefully this issue will come up when Obama and Harper meet up in February for Book Club (this year's book -- Novelization of 'No Holds Barred' by Nitro Gravenfire). I know I'll be in the vicinity with my sign that will read "Don't be Cruel, Don't Be Lazy, Let our trees fuck like crazy".

Now this seemingly doesn't have anything to do with this website but I find it very cathartic penning blog entries amidst blossoming trees. Last coupla years I've been doing most of my writing in the cellar instead and I've collected so many spider webs that I can donate them to the Cancer Society to make silk wigs for rich patients. While down there I also taught myself how to make a candle out of an empty can of Dr. Pepper and some gasoline.

The only other major issue I face is whether I should continue the moderately popular blog feature "CanadUSa -- Let's Chat". It was a mix of political cartoons and simple every day differences between two nations who should be husband and wife but are instead thought of as wig master and best boy. How about this -- one more cartoon for old times sake and then I'll retire the feature altogether and come up with something new for all you geography squares. Do you like Holland? Great! I love its infrastructure and willingness to put ANYTHING on toast. Compromise is what cyberspace was built on. Here we go, one last toon:

You probably won't understand it unless you read the Shnubb-Tasset Report on Economic Hegemony when viewed through the lens of Post-Colonial Pre-Authorized Stewardship which had some Dems laughing in the aisles of the House while calling up their spouses and telling them to get the camper ready for the move to Calgary. Anyway, that's a cactus in case you couldn't tell.

WELCOME TO... JURASSIC PARK