A REAL 'TIME OF YOUR LIFE' TYPE OF CIRCUS

!!!!!!!!!*Mid-Week Madness*¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

Sorry, I apologize, there won't be any Mid-Week Madness today. I tried write an exceptionally mad Mid-Week Madness last week but I couldn't quite find the madness in my own life. There was going to be the usual mix of fun, games, poems and photos of itty bitty creatures that would have you skipping into your late week compulsories, ready for the weekend freestyle, but to no avail. I tried again today but it's hard to get mad when you have a case of the mid-week blahs and blues. So instead, here's a very straight-forward, rational treatise on the Myth of Mid-Week Madness.

The Myth of Mid-Week Madness

Groundbreaking weekday analyst, Dr. Charlie Pins, famously postulated that one's week can be easily be imagined as fishing village on the coast of a large sea. The week begins on Sunday, which in our imagined world is your boat (it can be any boat, who cares?) leaving port headed for an island surrounded by gigantic fish that taste like meatballs when cooked properly. A real cash crop, you know?

Heading out to the island takes time. The first day at sea (Monday) is lonely and frustrating because the shallow waters just offshore are teeming with big sharks and the kind of eels that suck shit. By the time day 2 of the voyage rolls around, you're already tired of the whole expedition and even though you're getting closer to the island, you still can't see it on the horizon.

Day 3. You reach the fishing grounds around the island. You know it's going to be hard work but soon you'll get to turn the boat around and head home to your wife and 16 scorpions. You fill the boat up with fresh fish and even manage to score with some island natives who don't believe in monogamy.

Even though you simply go back the way you came, and you've done the trip a hundred times, the experience is different in a positive way. Your boat, belly and ears are full, and the same sharks you encountered on the way there are in a good mood and giving little monkeys rides before they're eaten.

Before you know it you're back home and the whole tribe celebrates by huffing a hallucinogenic coconut gas called the natives call Striped Cheese, based on what the gas makes your face look like. It also turns trees into blockbuster movies and old huts into really good basements.

Anyway, to assign a certain 'madness' to a mid-week or in our example, mid-fishing trip is simply not rational, if we view time as being abstract.

Whether or not Dr. Pins' work can be comparable to any earlier research on the subject depends on where one.s vIewssare cool manfridaysaturday[aortybeirsd k;asdl sdkdf;s.  akjsdkljf a;sdao0wejf3923rasd
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I'm getting it!&&&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The madness is setting in!!

 

 

DON'T HAVE A FAVOURITE COLOUR? HOW ABOUT MEDIUM GREEN?

It's days like this that I feel like a big pile of hay -- hay being the most boring substance on Earth next to paper. It's hard to be the host of a website such as this when you feel like a pile of hay, because you readers are like sharks. Sharks don't eat hay because it tastes like hay, and like humans, sharks enjoy the pleasure derived from tasty things like meat and shrimp. Meat and shrimp are packed not only with nutrients and world class flavour nooks, but also hilarious jokes and pop culture critiques. I'm going to potentially make an ass out of you and me, and choose to believe that you understand what on God's Green Shirt I'm talking about.

The point of all that avoiding spelling out my mood, was to avoid stating the obvious which is:

I always start my day with a big mug of loose excrement

That fat cat Garfield was right about everything, from loving lasagna to hating dogs and Mondays. That guy hated Mondays and he didn't even work! Is that why people thought it was so funny, or was it because it was coming from a generally funny cat?

Anyway, it's real tough for the privileged to go to a job after a weekend packed with experiences that would get a "thumbs up" from most modern party champions. Not the kind of party champions who go to exclusive events and Internet-approved bars and clubs; the kind who need to be holding an open cell phone, a cigarette or a Internet-approved value beer or else see their cred be flushed down the cocaine-dusted toilet bowl. I don't go to those things because they never serve chicken wings and I can only handle so many female bangs before I throw up my arms and say "save us Vidal Sassoon!!"

On Friday me and the fellas put on the third edition of GONG THE SHOW and it was the best one yet. Here are some choice shots from disgruntled Raptors fan, Andrew Steenberg:

Law & Order alumnist Phil Burke gets some "face time" with host Brendan Halloran

Georgea and Sarah dressed as cats have a cat fight, which straddled the line between adult entertainment and funny adult entertainment.

I played a middle-aged man that happened to walk by the bar and became a judge, while Andy portrayed strung out businessman who didn't know what year it was.

Greg Cochrane amazes by playing something called a "Stringed Jolly"

Mark Andrada drinks 12 eggs with beer and spit, while cat lady Georgea and 3-time champ Jon Blair stand by to catch vomit.

I also played a rousing game of frisbee golf with DJ Wes Allen, and this guy from Connecticut we met on the course who loves the Legend of Zelda waaaaaay more than frisbee golf. He kind of reminded me of Gandhi from Clone High, but I say that about every American guy I meet.

On Sunday I went to the Queen West Art Crawl to check out Rachael and Julia's respective booths, while eating corn and pork before playing a three man tennis match. Beat that you socialites! I just love taking advantage of a mixed-use facility such as The Park. All your activities blend into a delicious smooth drink:

The art inspired my hunger, which led to the corn, which inspired my tum tum to eat a pork sandwich, which gave me fuel to play tennis, artful tennis, beautiful ground strokes inspired by the strokes of the art and artists I had just seen. Then I visited mom and dad!

My next post will be post #500, and will feature a collection of this site's top poo jokes over the years, as well as greetings from some of your favourite characters like fart king Dingbat Ploof and absentee father, Wade Boggs.

WHAT TIME IS IT LADIES? KEN THIRTY

HOT MONDAY JOKES

'Monday' starts with 'M' and so does 'Mud'. Yeah right I didn't notice that.

How many Mondays does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't really care, I just want to see that butthole do some work like me for once.

Coffee, tea or me? Monday is all about these things.

Monday walks into a bar and everyone boos. Monday's like "don't hate the player, hate the game," and the crowd is silenced. Then it gets hustled at darts.

What do Mondays and your underpants options have in common? You don't really care about them until the sun rises.

What's Monday's favourite colour? Orange, just because everyone else hates it.

Who is Monday's worst enemy? Christmas.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh another classic Canadian weekend etched into the history slab that Prime Minister Stephen Harper keeps amongst his LPs. I successfully de-cluttered my home, ate Swiss Chalet, partied with beer, and saw a Raptors game. With that I won the Loblaws Weekend Bingo Challenge. The middle square was free and had a picture of a guy relaxing.

WEEKDAY CHALLENGE

with

Sword Randerchet

I challenge you to beat my time driving from Devil's Elbow to Snake Moon Pass Road -- 2 seconds. My cousin Rbryan was in the car with me and he saw it. Don't forget kid -- I'm the King of Orillia.