April 27, 2012


Similar to every other human rite of passage, the act of dying comes equipped with standards and traditions that have been passed down through the ages by pre-corpses the world over.

A dying human's last words and last meal are the same as a human wedding's vows and big cake - they're both anticipated ceremonial elements, homogenized to the point where a couple in Atlanta can have pretty much the same wedding as the damn Prince of England! Back in the old days when chivalry was today's "has an iPhone" and apples were as big as a horse's head, this would be unheard of.

When I'm ready to die, I want to be like the guy who gets married to a Pokemon while SCUBA diving, the ceremony presided over by a priest dressed as Gandalf. Last words and last meal? Trite. There's so many better "lasts" out there.

Last words are bullshit. Yeah right the most famous people don't plan that stuff because a famous person's reputation and mystique is what makes them famous. And even if they don't plan out their last words on purpose, it's bound to enter their mind at some point, especially if they know they're going to croak. I'm only a man of 30 and I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind. The only trouble is that whenever I think of what I might say, it's usually in jest, which is all well and good now, I mean I want my mind to enjoy a healthy dose of har hars between all the complex equations and ancient rune definitions that are in there, but what about later on? If I don't stop joking with myself that the best last words are...

"5. 4. 3. 2. 1... still here, oops"

...then there's a good chance that when it's time to stop being, I'll panic and just blurt it out even if it was originally designed for my own amusement. I think I'll probably just go with:


The "last meal" is also problematic. It's a fine thing for death row inmates who eat frogs all day and don't have access to fun things like calculators and travel mugs, they'll take anything they can get. Those who invented the death penalty were like "we gotta give them something before we murder them, let's just feed them slightly better than usual, tell them to shut up then sick the owl on them". It didn't work too well at first because after the meal, inmates would ask for desert, then the warden would be like "you didn't ask" then the prisoners would end up eating the executioner owl and there goes the budget.

"You can't eat an electric chair" - Innovative Warden

For all law-abiding citizens, the last meal just doesn't work and most of it comes down to timing. If you don't know exactly when you're going to die, the last meal is going to be a letdown. Here's why: if you jump the gun and eat too soon before you're reaped, you'll get hungry again and then you're left with three choices: eat the same last meal again, pick an entirely new one and eat that or just don't eat again.

Choose option A and you run the risk of getting tired of your last meal, a meal which by definition contains your favourite foods. You want to get to heaven and have access to unlimited lobsters only to realize you're sick of them?

Option B is utter horseshit. The whole point of the last meal is to pick one complete meal of all-stars. You're cheating yourself if you end up using your bench players and pretend they're your superstars. That's not what wins championships.

You could be stubborn and decide that the last meal is the last meal no matter what. The big problem with this choice is that if you're dying of something neat, like a witch bite, you may actually negate it by dying of hunger, which isn't exactly in vogue right now.

Having a last meal also comes at the expense of last poo. Some folk believe that in a perfect world, our last meal would be poo and then our last poo would be food, but unfortunately the aliens that invented us didn't know how to party. Anyway, what I mean is that if your last meal was amazing, your last poo turns into an extra goodbye. Whereas, if you were to eat say, sandpaper and glue as your last meal, your last poo is going to be a going away party, an all-out celebration of ridding your body of bad stuff, which in essence is what pooing is all about. Has there ever been a movie where the torture is have a guy eat sandpaper then poo it out? If not, called it.

If last words and last meals aren't going to be a part of your deathbed routine, why not add these to your repertoire of  lasts? You know what they say -- dying is easy, dying cool is hard.

Last haircut

Make your last haircut count, man. If you've always gone to barbers, go see a stylist in a salon. You won't like their magazines or lack of framed sports photos and naked lady calendars, but you'll love the way they wash your hair and come up with new ideas for your head. I once went to a salon and got a haircut called "The Ferret's Brother" and when I left three sexy women approached me and asked for gum. If you're used to salons, go find a barbershop! You'll miss the cleanliness and salon-quality products, but you'll love hearing new swearwords you've never heard before and it may change your opinion of Italians one way or the other. 

Last pitch

I'm already practicing a curve ball that I plan on pitching to the person I hate the most at the time of my impending death. If I succeed and strike him or her out, milks are on me.

Last email

Do it big. Add the biggest attachment you can fit, and don't be scared to mess around with HTML

Last lists

It would be very comforting creating lists of your favourites just before you die because it's the definitive guide. A lot of people say "my favourite soap OF ALL TIME is Zest" and yet they go on living another 50 years and become a Lever person. Also, it benefits your loved ones to have a record of you so they can properly discuss you once you're gone. "Oh, he sounded like a great guy. What kind of music did he like?" *checks list* "Butthole Surfers and all reggae".

Last insult

It's all well and good to be thought of as an angel when you die, but legacies are like pizzas -- they taste great with just vegetables, but become unforgettable once you add meat. People will probably remember you better if you go out in style and insult someone with a well thought-out burn. I can't reveal mine because I'm still working on it, but it does exploit humans' natural self-consciousness toward their own nostrils.

April 20, 2012


In honour of 4/20, I had my staff compile exclusive snaps the world's most famous stones doing what they do best. Got the munchies yet? ahahaha. 

 Don't get into any mischief today, just have some puffs and then dream about your ideal universe. Mine is FULL of cold drinks. 

This would also be a good time for you to re-visit last year's 420 bonus pack. Surgeon's General Warning - it may make you think your bathtub is the Caspian Sea. If you find yourself in this position, stop, drop, and rolllllllllll another big one!
 Barack Obama, living legend

 Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl), 2009's hottest desire

 Jerry Seinfeld, sitcom guru

Alex Trebek, interrogator

Jay Leno, vaudeville

Canadian Tire Monty


30 is an age that no one seems to like turning. This goes back to our tribal ancestors who believed that if you had more than 29 of anything, you were were probably a yuppy. In modern times, turning thirty is synonymous with settling down and having sex for kids instead of tickles.

I turned thirty on April 8 and now that I'm settled in I think I have a pretty good handle on what it's all about. Here's a list of 30 things about 30 that may help you when you turn two 15's and are locked in the cellar with a box of saltines and all the trophies you won when you were a kid, sobbing away, crying out for Papa and wondering if you'll ever be able to run as fast as when you were eight.


1. You all of a sudden feel like you should eat better. I once thought that heating beans in a wok was considered Chinese food but once I turned thirty I came to my senses and added pepper. Also, instead of adding a can of water to my condensed mushroom soup, I now add a can of condensed beef barley and end up with something that tastes like Sunday roast.

2. You'll probably get a tattoo of the Ferrari horse symbol with the words "Never Settle" underneath.

3. Fishing now makes sense. Before I turned 30, fishing was nothing but throwing string in the water. Now, all of a sudden, when I picture fishing, the water is made of smooth root beer and every fish looks like Princess Leia in her metal bikini, but with a more modern cut.

4. You have to start dressing like an adult. I went out and bought six pairs of collared pants and was mature enough to turn down the salesman's offer of a free penis tie.

5. Like coming home after being away for a long time, you start using Times New Roman again and it's like you never left. Armed with your old friend, you write the 3rd version of your Simpsons re-boot script, light up a cigarette and burn yourself on the forearm.

6. You start caring about our children's future. All of a sudden I can't understand why basketballs aren't painted like globes.

7. You may start experiencing male pattern baldness, but you'll definitely start experiencing male pattern boldness. Your female gawks get longer, your sweatpants become something other than pajamas and you flush pennies down the toilet because you're sick of winning so many at weekly Rummoli jams in your neighbour's garage. 

8. You stop holding your breath every time you walk past a little person. Instead, you nod your head and shake your feet (in case they really little).

9. The only potential Halloween costume that ever comes to mind is to go as the guy on the Canadian Tire money. And every time, you realize he's the man you've always wanted to be and that Halloween would be a great opportunity to teach young trick or treaters about the 90's.

10. When you see a woman's breasts, you don't get horny you get sentimental.

11. You start talking to mascots at sporting events as if they're your boss.

12. You finally start using conditioner even though you still can't stand how it doesn't rinse as easily as shampoo. It lengthens your average shower time and in turn becomes your new favourite spot to fart.

13. You forget your timetables but remember Victor Borge's best bits.

14. You won't stop telling people at parties that the government should stop funding GI Joes and instead create some GI Jobs.

15. You get the chicken option at fast food places and then tell everyone around you, whether you know them or not, "the thing is, it still isn't good for you"

16. Getting carded by a bouncer at a bar is no longer a hassle, but a chance to converse with an authority figure. Share your thoughts about a reasonable career path and crack wise about catching an underage teen trying to get in and then taking him or her our back and make them eat cold Beefaroni until they say "I waste time" 50 times into a puddle of puke (a 'Cruddy Larry').

17.  Your friends are all diet cola this and pilot's license that.

18. You can tell how well things are going based on the condition and breadth of your sock inventory.

19. You still have that thought of using the Bible for wrapping paper, but instead of it being just a funny thing, you think of it as a potential business.

20. Macaroni and cheese? Not anymore. From now on, capellini and figs.

21. You start using 24 hour time if only to make teenagers think you're a military man so they won't throw pens at you.

22. You make promises you can't keep then promise it won't happen again, then it happens again and then everyone goes out for coffee

23. You notice that engraving store at the mall and instantly think of several gift ideas and then someone's birthday rolls around and you forget and get them a gift card instead.

24. Pepsi or Coke? Nope. Vernor's.

25. You start looking at dinosaurs the same way you used to look at a girl with huge fake tits (pretty good, but come on)

26. Instead of moping around when no one notices your haircut you use it as a reminder to call your mom.

27. When you take out the trash you can't stop thinking of ways you could've somehow used that garbage in your "man cave".

28. Certain types of bloopers really lose their pizazz.

29. You use the "pizazz" a lot more.

30. RRSP? More like, Arrrrrrrrr Responsibility.

Blog Directory by Blog Flux