April 20, 2012


30 is an age that no one seems to like turning. This goes back to our tribal ancestors who believed that if you had more than 29 of anything, you were were probably a yuppy. In modern times, turning thirty is synonymous with settling down and having sex for kids instead of tickles.

I turned thirty on April 8 and now that I'm settled in I think I have a pretty good handle on what it's all about. Here's a list of 30 things about 30 that may help you when you turn two 15's and are locked in the cellar with a box of saltines and all the trophies you won when you were a kid, sobbing away, crying out for Papa and wondering if you'll ever be able to run as fast as when you were eight.


1. You all of a sudden feel like you should eat better. I once thought that heating beans in a wok was considered Chinese food but once I turned thirty I came to my senses and added pepper. Also, instead of adding a can of water to my condensed mushroom soup, I now add a can of condensed beef barley and end up with something that tastes like Sunday roast.

2. You'll probably get a tattoo of the Ferrari horse symbol with the words "Never Settle" underneath.

3. Fishing now makes sense. Before I turned 30, fishing was nothing but throwing string in the water. Now, all of a sudden, when I picture fishing, the water is made of smooth root beer and every fish looks like Princess Leia in her metal bikini, but with a more modern cut.

4. You have to start dressing like an adult. I went out and bought six pairs of collared pants and was mature enough to turn down the salesman's offer of a free penis tie.

5. Like coming home after being away for a long time, you start using Times New Roman again and it's like you never left. Armed with your old friend, you write the 3rd version of your Simpsons re-boot script, light up a cigarette and burn yourself on the forearm.

6. You start caring about our children's future. All of a sudden I can't understand why basketballs aren't painted like globes.

7. You may start experiencing male pattern baldness, but you'll definitely start experiencing male pattern boldness. Your female gawks get longer, your sweatpants become something other than pajamas and you flush pennies down the toilet because you're sick of winning so many at weekly Rummoli jams in your neighbour's garage. 

8. You stop holding your breath every time you walk past a little person. Instead, you nod your head and shake your feet (in case they really little).

9. The only potential Halloween costume that ever comes to mind is to go as the guy on the Canadian Tire money. And every time, you realize he's the man you've always wanted to be and that Halloween would be a great opportunity to teach young trick or treaters about the 90's.

10. When you see a woman's breasts, you don't get horny you get sentimental.

11. You start talking to mascots at sporting events as if they're your boss.

12. You finally start using conditioner even though you still can't stand how it doesn't rinse as easily as shampoo. It lengthens your average shower time and in turn becomes your new favourite spot to fart.

13. You forget your timetables but remember Victor Borge's best bits.

14. You won't stop telling people at parties that the government should stop funding GI Joes and instead create some GI Jobs.

15. You get the chicken option at fast food places and then tell everyone around you, whether you know them or not, "the thing is, it still isn't good for you"

16. Getting carded by a bouncer at a bar is no longer a hassle, but a chance to converse with an authority figure. Share your thoughts about a reasonable career path and crack wise about catching an underage teen trying to get in and then taking him or her our back and make them eat cold Beefaroni until they say "I waste time" 50 times into a puddle of puke (a 'Cruddy Larry').

17.  Your friends are all diet cola this and pilot's license that.

18. You can tell how well things are going based on the condition and breadth of your sock inventory.

19. You still have that thought of using the Bible for wrapping paper, but instead of it being just a funny thing, you think of it as a potential business.

20. Macaroni and cheese? Not anymore. From now on, capellini and figs.

21. You start using 24 hour time if only to make teenagers think you're a military man so they won't throw pens at you.

22. You make promises you can't keep then promise it won't happen again, then it happens again and then everyone goes out for coffee

23. You notice that engraving store at the mall and instantly think of several gift ideas and then someone's birthday rolls around and you forget and get them a gift card instead.

24. Pepsi or Coke? Nope. Vernor's.

25. You start looking at dinosaurs the same way you used to look at a girl with huge fake tits (pretty good, but come on)

26. Instead of moping around when no one notices your haircut you use it as a reminder to call your mom.

27. When you take out the trash you can't stop thinking of ways you could've somehow used that garbage in your "man cave".

28. Certain types of bloopers really lose their pizazz.

29. You use the "pizazz" a lot more.

30. RRSP? More like, Arrrrrrrrr Responsibility.

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