RIGHT THERE! SEE? THE BABY HAS A FANG

My beautiful city of Toronto has faced its fair share of thumb downers over the last little while:


- All of our sports teams are bad
- Our mayor is/was a dumper
- Traffic!
- Hockey is cancelled
- We have no Premier
- There's still like, no Wendy's restaurants downtown

All this has a guy feeling like there isn't much worth goin' outside for.

But like most government approved waterslides, city life has its ups and downs and sometimes it gets peed on. Thankfully, over the past few weeks things seem to be getting slightly better. FINALLY. I can only enjoy the dinosaurs at the ROM so much before I give them little names and treat them as my cousins. In August I bought a stegosaurus a box of Pot of Gold chocolates.

If you don't live in Toronto and don't care, please proceed to Section 91 for alternative material that's geared toward a more global audience. 

Details

First, our beloved Blue Jays managed to obtain some top notch talent meaning the Rogers Centre may finally become a place we don't associate with boredom and crud. The optimist in me envisions full crowds, first places and championships while the pessimist that lives somewhere near my butt is yelling in its raspy, gassy voice, "They're all going to get hurt!". In any case, my friends and I rolled the dice and bought season tickets. I hope that means you can live in your seat because I just sold all my stuff to buy a stale-beer powered George Foreman grill, a nice sleeping bag and that thing in Waterworld that turns you pee into water-flavoured pee.

THEN the Toronto Argonauts won the 100th Grey Cup. In celebration I drank of cup of Earl Grey and cooked a football stuffed with trout for dinner. The football is to represent football and the trout is something an actual Argonaut might like to eat on his birthday.

THEN our mayor got removed from office.The big guy messed up and everyone I know is happy. What's next for the man Toronto Life described as "Mayor Marshmallow Man"? Oh probably a nice bath, a Hardy Boys adventure and a chocolate cigar.

THEN a monkey in a coat was spotted in a local IKEA, giving us some much needed Internet cred, while cementing our reputation as a multicultural mecca.

What's next a Costco in the Portlands?

SECTION 91

What's up with winter? I mean, I have headphones but I want to wear earmuffs. Are headphones earmuffs? And scarfs? More like big handkerchiefs. You're going to give a guy the snot neck from Christmas' sake. And Christmas? What a great time to be rich, you know! Remember that John Lennon song, "It's Tough Bein' Poor on Christmas"? No, you don't because Prince Charles banned it. Truth is the currency of the world and unfortunately most truth is stuffed in the oversized wallets of the elite. If you live in a region where winter is that time of year when you harvest pineapple, proceed to Section Y.


SECTION Y

Blog Photoshop School Special

Welcome to Photoshop school where I teach you the art of using a computer to complete tasks that were once limited to stuck-up, talented, hands-on artists.Your first project is to re-create one of the most classic Photoshop gags of all time -- putting your own ugly face on the cover of People's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. Just do this:

YOYO COME OVER TO MY LAND

I no longer live in the place that I lived before you guys. That means I moved to a new one. Like most humans, I don't enjoy the process of moving. I have the strength of an athletic 12 year old and boy, do I hate boxes! I don't really hate boxes. I engineered my move so that I wouldn't have any big stuff to haul because as I mentioned before, I'm a girl-armed wiener who hates doing things. My load consisted mostly of comics, clothes, CDs and DVDs and I had my mom's Ford Focus brand auto-car to drive everything over to my new place which I have dubbed, "Bruce Wayne's other house in Canada (Toronto)". Bed etc. was coming from my girlfriend because her stuff is better than mine. This was going to be the easiset move ever right audience? It wasn't that bad but here's what happened sort of:

Sunday night I decided to move a couple of loads following my cousin's wedding. I was tired yet determined, just like a NASA spacenaut, so with the help of my brother we headed over to Bruce Wayne's other house in Canada (Toronto). The first piece of shit that flew in my face was when I realized that the keys that were cut for me might as well have been cut by David Crosby riding a donkey in a hurricane. That means that they weren't very good and I had a lot of trouble opening the door. It got to the point where they didn't work at all. But I managed to get a lot done and was fairly confident going into day 2.

DAY 2 - The Day the Earth Stood There

I woke up at a reasonable hour to pick up my girlfriend/new roomate so she could meet her dad at the our new place because he had her stuff. Get it? It doesn't matter guy. Just keep eating that orange and don't forget to eat the peel! I helped Liv's dad move some big heavy things into the apartment, because Liv can't lift anything except pillows and aluminum stuff (light metal right?). We had to move this gigantic oak unit up some stairs and I almost died. I swore like my old man and was kind of embarassed. By then I was kind of mad because my brilliant moving plan didn't include lifting things, although I really didn't mind helping out because that's what a Jedi would do. I tried to go back to my old house to get the last of my stuff but thanks to the Labour Day parade, a drive that would've taken five minutes took forty. I shit my pants on the way and a cop stopped me for speeding. When I rolled down the window he said "Smells like shitty garbage in here son. Are you a dumb garbage man or did you just shit your pants? Oh yeah I see the shit, you shit your pants. Here's a ticket."

Hahahahah I wish. I don't have any good stories like that

It did actually take 40 minutes to get home and when I got there I couldn't find anything to put my clothes in and I realized we left our old house in a terrible state for the nice new dudes to move in. When I got back to the new place with my undies scattered all over the car my shitty keys didn't work so I had to wait for Liv to get back. I helped her move more stuff and her and her dad helped me with my stuff, including my scattered undies. Then I drove a microwave to my brother just like in the movies! That's about it I guess. I wanted to go swimming all day but I never did which means I've gone all summer without swimming in a damn pool. Help me!!!

In retrospect, it wasn't that bad but I'm a lot like Napoleon - if a plan doesn't follow through, I get mad. I love wine gums!!!