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December 12, 2012

RIGHT THERE! SEE? THE BABY HAS A FANG

My beautiful city of Toronto has faced its fair share of thumb downers over the last little while:


- All of our sports teams are bad
- Our mayor is/was a dumper
- Traffic!
- Hockey is cancelled
- We have no Premier
- There's still like, no Wendy's restaurants downtown

All this has a guy feeling like there isn't much worth goin' outside for.

But like most government approved waterslides, city life has its ups and downs and sometimes it gets peed on. Thankfully, over the past few weeks things seem to be getting slightly better. FINALLY. I can only enjoy the dinosaurs at the ROM so much before I give them little names and treat them as my cousins. In August I bought a stegosaurus a box of Pot of Gold chocolates.

If you don't live in Toronto and don't care, please proceed to Section 91 for alternative material that's geared toward a more global audience. 

Details

First, our beloved Blue Jays managed to obtain some top notch talent meaning the Rogers Centre may finally become a place we don't associate with boredom and crud. The optimist in me envisions full crowds, first places and championships while the pessimist that lives somewhere near my butt is yelling in its raspy, gassy voice, "They're all going to get hurt!". In any case, my friends and I rolled the dice and bought season tickets. I hope that means you can live in your seat because I just sold all my stuff to buy a stale-beer powered George Foreman grill, a nice sleeping bag and that thing in Waterworld that turns you pee into water-flavoured pee.

THEN the Toronto Argonauts won the 100th Grey Cup. In celebration I drank of cup of Earl Grey and cooked a football stuffed with trout for dinner. The football is to represent football and the trout is something an actual Argonaut might like to eat on his birthday.

THEN our mayor got removed from office.The big guy messed up and everyone I know is happy. What's next for the man Toronto Life described as "Mayor Marshmallow Man"? Oh probably a nice bath, a Hardy Boys adventure and a chocolate cigar.

THEN a monkey in a coat was spotted in a local IKEA, giving us some much needed Internet cred, while cementing our reputation as a multicultural mecca.

What's next a Costco in the Portlands?

SECTION 91

What's up with winter? I mean, I have headphones but I want to wear earmuffs. Are headphones earmuffs? And scarfs? More like big handkerchiefs. You're going to give a guy the snot neck from Christmas' sake. And Christmas? What a great time to be rich, you know! Remember that John Lennon song, "It's Tough Bein' Poor on Christmas"? No, you don't because Prince Charles banned it. Truth is the currency of the world and unfortunately most truth is stuffed in the oversized wallets of the elite. If you live in a region where winter is that time of year when you harvest pineapple, proceed to Section Y.


SECTION Y

Blog Photoshop School Special

Welcome to Photoshop school where I teach you the art of using a computer to complete tasks that were once limited to stuck-up, talented, hands-on artists.Your first project is to re-create one of the most classic Photoshop gags of all time -- putting your own ugly face on the cover of People's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. Just do this:


1 comment:

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