December 13, 2012


Yesterday was 12/12/12, a date that apparently puts into motion some sort of apocalypse that will happen 21st. Who told us this? Those lizard-kissing chocolate masters, the Mayans. I don't believe that anything out of the ordinary will happen that day because like most civilizations that existed thousands of years ago, the Mayans were stupid compared to us. Sure, they built some great temples, invented an impressive written language complete with swears and several different words for "right on!", but that's about it. Ask a Mayan what the sun is, videotape it, and BANG you've won the grand prize on the season finale of AFV. Tom Bergeron whispers in your ear, "Don't spend all the dough on gum, save some for more permanent chewables". Then you're whisked away backstage where you're greeted by a Mr. Christie's snack tray featuring a prototype cookie called The Boogie Woogie Chew Chew Chocolate Chunk Champion - They got rice in 'em.

I happened to catch an episode of Ancient Aliens on the subject of the Mayan apocalypse and one alien discussed the significance of the location of the prophecies. I'm paraphrasing but he said something like, “Why would they write a date on a brick, put it in a cave and turn it backwards?”.

Because they were idiots. Think of how you spend the day -- you wake up, you read the news, you get on a streetcar, you buy pears, you go to work, you use a computer, you rank babies in order of potential for becoming a dentist etc. etc. Your neighbour probably does something entirely different because maybe he's a brick layer and you're just the captain of a hot air balloon team. The point is a Mayan's life was far simpler. The only things to do were cook, fight, shit, get bitten by something, stick your dick in something, write on bricks and play drums.

Another expert explained how the Mayans must have got all this information from aliens. He said "Their tablets speak of things in the sky." I know what those were -- birds, stars, the sun, the moon, dust, flower petals -- but they sure didn't.

On top of that, think of how often Mayans were poisoned either from plant life or from a jungle creature. There's still tons of scary things out there today, but imagine how many more there were back then before we started ripping apart rain forests to build smoke factories? They get poisoned so often that they probably hallucinated like crazy all the time. If Timothy Leary was on LSD and prophesied the end of the world back in the sixties, I don't think anyone would've taken him seriously and he definitely knew what the moon was.

In conclusion, the Mayan apocolypse prophecy was the result of a guy getting bit by a toad. He started hallucinating, found a brick, wrote some numbers down, saw a few birds, hid the brick, went to bed and did it all again the next day. There. End of argument. Now it's time to get excited for the release of THE HOBBIT. Here's a Tolkien-esque song in celebration:

Fantasy Party

The wind blows hard and the leafs grow green
And the Elves play songs with their tambourines

The night is cold and the stars glow white
Whoa, a dwarf and a man just got in a fight

The man is taller but the dwarf is sturdy
These books are long, the geography wordy

The dwarf gets knocked on his little bum
The man barfs bread out of his regular tum

Everyone laughs, a hobbit arrives late
A wizard piles turnips on a magic plate

What were turnips before are now something better
They are still turnips but now they're coverered in cheddar...

...cheese, sauce, across the room there's Bilbo, motherfuckers been acting like a chick without a dildo.
smoke that shire shit, wash it down with ale, Gollum's on your fuckin trail, he wants his shit back and he will attack even though he's frail and pale he's the king of bling, once a lord of the ring, gus fring, breaking bad, Walter white world's worst dad, 2012 Hobbit, Peter Jackson New Zealand STAND UP keep your guns shiny and your hoes tiny

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