I HATE CAKE BUT I LOVE HOT SUGAR

Dear Current Events,

I'm not that interested in you right now. Your World Cup of sports doesn't feature my favourite countries (Canada and Toronto) and I generally prefer those sports whose participants don't look like the line outside ___________ Nightclub/Supper Club/Hair Club/North Mississauga Catholic High School.

Your G20 summit is the lava to our summertime fun's small mountainside village, even though I'm lucky enough to have escaped the hot mud, coming at you live from Montreal thanks to my work who thought it important to protect its most valuable asset. Don't worry though mom, I'll be back on Friday just as Greenpeace is chopping down the CN Tower to protest outdoor pissings, and right before Mothers Against Drunk Driving explode the Eaton Centre using only the tastiest cocktails to literally show how alcohol can destroy the teen dream.

I'm just paranoid though. All this is coming from the guy who doesn't trust babes and strippers because he feels they're only out to trick you. Best thing about Montreal so far? Good bananas. Me and my friends once put on a play here and for three weeks 9 of us slept in a 2 bedroom apartment and ate a lot of beans and bread. Trivia question - name the baseball team that used to play here...

Answer - The Montreal Detectives

They were led by the great pitcher Reek Priest (#6), who once pitched an entire game with half a beard.

Do you guys have that thing where whenever you think of Right Said Fred you picture Drop Dead Fred? And it's SO FUNNY because Right Said Fred were known for being baldos while Drop Dead Fred was known for a truly outrageous mop! What a crazy world it is that we vacation in.

SURE, TREES BREATHE BUT DO THEY JOKE AROUND?

With all this recent talk of me being in football-mad Italy, I forgot all about the World Cup of Football, of as Americans call it, the 2010 Wendy's Soccer Challenge on ABC. This is a true worldwide phenomenon except in North America where it's celebrated as an opportunity to identify the immigrants in your neighbourhood.

I sent my European correspondent Hair Sudokuku and her photographer Krispy Kidb down to South Africa to see how fans are enjoying the great spectacle of men kicking. Take it away Hair:

Thank you my lord! Now, when we first arrived we headed to our hotel bar to watch the USA kick balls against England. I asked these two fans what they thought of the match and they said "match?". I then realized they weren't staring at a TV but rather the entrance to the bar's kitchen. "We ordered quesadillas 45 minutes ago and we're getting very worried they forgot about us. This wouldn't stand in Pittsburgh....this wouldn't stand...."

This local white person has just come from the optometrist having just received her new frames. "They're too big," she said. "It's tough to find glasses when you're two feet tall, but come on." I asked her why she was wearing a hard hat: "In South Africa it rains pears. No joke. The festive horns I've fastened to the top should skewer a few that I can present to my mother for Pig Day."

"Pretending I'm from Jamaica was the best decision of my life," said Finland's Lars Ulrich.

After a long day we headed for the beach where we met these two sisters and their brother Todd. This picture was taken after we asked them what they thought of Johannesburg filmed "District Nine". When I asked them about the World Cup they got angry and tossed Todd into the sea.

Thanks guys! Bring me back a souvenir. I want a blanket.

Now it's time for World Cup predictions:

The winner of the World Cup will be...........

The Kingdom of Elephants! What mortal man can stop these big crappers? Instead of the trophy all they want is a wet, muddy plain, a few cases of beer and an iPad for the whole squad.