August 16, 2012


After a summer of hot, dry weather, threatening the existence of the Ontario Grape Club while simultaneously increasing the viability of the Raisin Boosters, we finally got some water over the past week. No one is as happy as the grass and all the critters who haven't had a shower and a good clean drink in a while. The party is unfortunately over for teenage critters who have been free to slurp garbage juice all summer without their mams and pams screaming at them to drink something pure. It simply wasn't available most of the summer unless they were able to crawl done one of those chimneys that leads directly into a toilet. That's the only way Richard Branson will shit.

If you gave an animal an addictive drug, there's no way it could Just Say 'No' because animals aren't privy to studies or After School Specials. I'm trying to think of a way that this could help human addicts, but all I can picture is a rehabilitation facility where you feed animals drugs and laugh all day. Maybe throw in some sort of video production element to get the furry tweakers onto YouTube then when the humans are safe and clean they're able to get a job in television.

It's been so hot and sunny this summer that the zucchini in my garden turned into cacti. No wait, someone just put needles in my zucchini. No wait, those are pickles and I still don't understand the needles.

It seems the post-apocalypse is here, meaning we didn't even notice the actual apocalypse, which according to this Farmer's Almanac that flew into my face while riding "The Bat", happened during this year's edition of Easter.

I'm going have a lot of trouble putting on a coat again. There's that feeling you get when you first put on a jacket when you haven't worn one for awhile and you're like "I'll never get used to this" then fifteen minutes later you feel naked in a t-shirt. Just once I'd like to feel the relief of a snake shedding its skin.

I often wonder if animals percieve that we wear clothes or that they just view our styles are different furs. Maybe they don't give a shit either way. I hope there's been an experiment where dogs are put front row at a fashion shows while researchers study their reactions. I'm not sure what we could learn from something like that, but maybe we'd end up with more efficient guards dogs, more obidient regular dogs, a new style of scarf and/or the abolishment of dog whisperers the world over. What I mean is that perhaps Cesar Millan is just a really good scientist who realized dogs respond very well to dudes wearing cotton basics and a winning smile. Maybe dogs bite mailmen beacuse of their uniforms and not because they can't stand correspondence. Maybe Cesar's just a highly evolved dog himself.

Dogs are at least smart enough to bark like crazy when we try to put a cute shirt on them. You wouldn't put a turtleneck over a winter jacket, would you?

When did humans lose their clothes? By that I mean hair, or as cavemen called it, "just another mystery". With all this talk lately of local, organic, homemade food and shit, you'd think there would arise a movement of people who are trying really hard to grow their fur back so they don't have to buy clothes and can live as the kitties do. The one thing that sci-fi authors have gotten right regarding aliens is that they're almost always nude. Clothes are the most prudish invention we've invented. Not only that, but without clothes we'd be a more enlightened, happier race. There would be way fewer of us and we'd all live in the tropics, which is where nature intended us to live, obviously. The cold parts of the world would be used as prisons or "experiences" where you ride up north in some sort of big van made of windows. Free hot chocolate.

"When did humans lose their clothes?" sounds like a children's book that could go either of two ways -- one is a Christian book about the dangers of nudes and how Jesus invented clothes just because he thought it might be a cool look, not because he wanted to start a revolution or anything. Or it could be a funny book for kids (and entertaining for adults!) about the joys of a natural lifestyle. There was something I wrote in my notebook along the same lines, but I can't really figure out what I meant. I think it might be the idea for that book. It just says:

Origin of Naked

- Dicks natural
- tight pants are weird but tits are fine
- dolphins wearing hats

I think that second bullet means that it's strange that women can wear tight shirts with cleavage but the minute a man wears tight trousers he's labeled anti-man. The last bullet is the final piece of the puzzle, which begs the question:

Will an animal ever evolve into clothes? We've tried it with cats and dogs and some of them seem to enjoy it but I don't think they'd actively seek a sweater. And it's not like we're going to get kittens and puppos who start licking socks not for the taste but as and indication that they want a hat. Cold blooded creatures would definitely dig clothes. Show a snake how a skirt works and it's hooked, guaranteed.

The last couple of posts here have been very nature-oriented, which maybe means I'm finally growing up. Until the next time I find a keyboard in the trash, have fun with all your activities and don't forget to write your website's URL on $20 bills.

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