July 25, 2012


I recently bought myself a little basil plant and I'm in love with it! That's not it pictured above, as I would never post a photo of a family member unless it's of one of them scoring a goal. I take such good care of the little guy. It sits under the biggest window in our place on its own TV tray. Sometimes I'll put it out on the window sill to get some real deal sun, but I can't leave it out there all the time because the raccoons will get at it. The first time I put it out there a bunch of flies descended on it in a matter of seconds. It was almost as if it were the most perfect piece of shit.

Taking care of a plant is like taking care of any other living thing except it shuts up all the time and loves you right back by providing leaves that go great with tomatoes and mozzarella.

Why aren't scientists making herbs bigger and better instead of wasting their time with Gatorade?

We give water plants, but what if we started planting water? Same things I guess. Can you feed water? Can we make water better? Imagine there was a scientist who figured out that water actually tastes like fruit punch, but some Roman Emperor changed it to what we know today because he was a pretty boring guy? Or maybe Jesus was pissed off when her realized all these guys were mad at him so he was like "Fine, I'm going to make water the most boring liquid. Instead of it being the most beautiful shade of belp (a beautiful colour Jesus later destroyed because he was so pissed. Rightfully so), it will be clear. Instead of it tasting like fruit punch (not like today's fruit punch. More peach flavour) it will taste like nothing. It will still help you live though, I'm not a monster, obviously." Lets grind up a blend of herbs, flowers and nice vines and feed it to water and see what happens. To me that seems like the most reasonable thing we can do right now.  

What do plants need to be smarter? They'd definitely need a brain and a central nervous system for starters, but it'd help if they had a cool attitude and a sense of humour. Are any plants on the cusp? Have we noticed any plants evolving? What if we aren't paying attention and corn is like "if you'd stop picking us for one damn summer we'd probably get noses". Seriously, what's a reasonable step for plants to make that would make them a bit smarter? Maybe they can make some noise?

Hey, do venus fly traps taste good? I feel like we're all scared of them and treat them with a little too much respect. I wonder how bees feel about them. Two of the most feared, both pretty amazing too. Are they the smartest plant? They must be because they pretty much have a face. Let's expose a couple to radiation and see what happens. Worst case scenario, we waste an afternoon. Who is the smartest plant? I guess trees probably. Forgot about them. Oh man, some trees look like they have faces, but who cares unless the face moves? I can draw a face on paper no problem, paper is trees, faces are faces, but no one gets goosebumps and starts to tear up when they see it. I wonder how other plants think of trees. I wouldn't be surprised if they were jealous because we care about them way more than thyme.Good thing trees don't taste good or else it'd be over for all of us. Would you throw up if you ate a tree?

Would a snake eat fresh herbs? I know the raccoon likes my basil, but a raccoon would eat a used condom if it had salt on it. If you gave a cow the option of eating hay or a basket full of basil, oregano, thyme and marjoram, would it always take the hay? If a cow and a pig is around shit and slop all day, does that mean they prefer those smells to the human classics?

Plants at the bottom of the ocean are such hogs. A documentary on ocean plants should be called "24 Hour Party People" instead of that Manchester movie. That one should have been called "Grey Skies, Wet Eyes". Next step in environmentally friendly cars -- cars that run on photosynthesis. Water your car, eat your car.

As I lie on my deathbed I'm going to eat a ton of seeds. Everything from tulips to brambles. Then, after I utter my last words, "it's been pretty good" I'll have my family bury me nude in some really good soil, maybe PEI or behind Buckingham Palace. Then all this shit will grow out of me and I'll sort of be alive. If that can't be arranged, I'd like a loved one to read a note from me that simply says, "I know this is hard to take, but unfortunately, it's sad but true", then Metallica's Sad But True plays, they light my body on fire, and the staff wheels out 200 beers, 100 pizzas and 50 party subs.

I'm so worried my plant will die. The raccoons want it so bad. In order to make this work I have to really manage my Italian dishes or else I'll be the destroyer.

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