HANDKERCHIEF WITH BUILT IN CLOCK

The Olympics start this week and sure, I'm excited to watch a bunch of government-funded jocks play around, but at the same time, if you've seen one Olympics you've seen 'em all. The whole thing essentially boils down to people being fast and throwing things far while wearing suits designed by scientists who should've been spending their time trying to figure out how to make mice poo out grapes for the poor. And if all the events are the same year after year, who even cares where they take place? The pools in London aren't any different than the ones in Beijing (except British water has more milk in it for smoother teas). It's not like the Blue Jays build a new stadium every season. If organizers want to improve the Olympics, and as I've just demonstrated, they DEFINITELY need improving, the culture and heritage of the host country should inform the style of each games. This is such a good idea I can't even believe it. Let's explore!!

Summer Olympics 2012 in London, England

England's history is rife with tales of rude wizards and sexy dragons, and when visiting the island National Geographic called "The one with the worst pineapples" most people are attracted to the castles and darkness of the famed medieval age. Since the medieval age was full of tournaments and shit, it's a match made in gravy.

Charles and Diana (pregnant with Wills), 1981

Instead of fielding athletes, countries will have to send their best knights. Let's get serious, they don't have to be actual knights, they can be regular athletes, but yes, they must wear armour, and no, women aren't allowed. Don't worry ladies, the door is now open to pose as a man, win some event, then dramatically reveal that Sir Ulf The Blood Barfer, is actually fair lady Dana of Gothenburg, causing Lords of all shapes and sizes to spit out their ale in surprise and exclaim, "just what sort of sorcery is this?"

There will of course be classic events such as jousting and archery, as well as innovative, modern demonstration events like the one where everyone pees on an iPad until it turns off. The main draw will probably be the sword pull. We all know the classic tale of the Sword in the Stone, so no country will be dumb enough to send muscle men, giving wieners around the world the opportunity to compete. There won't be any magic involved of course, it will work more like a slot machine with the winner being chosen at random. Bonus points will be rewarded for creative grunts and colourful robes.

Speaking of magic, each country will also send their best magician to act as a sort of overseer/supporter. He or she or dolphin (Mauritius' top magician, a bottle nose named Haywire) will be allowed to use illusions or just straight up yelling in an attempt to throw off rival countries. They will also be flag bearers and must come up with way to bear the flag other than the time honoured tradition of carrying it on a stick. I once saw an Argentinean magician/flag bearer eat his flag then pull it out of a sprinter's behind.

"I control the nasty bits"

Speaking of the opening/closing ceremonies, there won't really be any. Instead, Wembley Stadium will be turned into the biggest, most raucous, most throwing big turkey bones to dirty old dogs, people having sex on hay-type banquet the world has ever seen. Not only is this a demonstration of hospitality and an opportunity for merriment, but it will also show which country can hold the most liquor, which is an event as well. No one will know this until the sun rises when the King has his servants hit play on the stadium's state-of-the-art sound system that will then blast Iron Maiden's "The Wicker Man" for all to wake to. First country to have its roster of knights, damsels and magicians wake up and finish a full English breakfast, bean juice and all, will win top prize.



There won't be medals of course, that would take the work of thousands of smiths working 'round the dial, but rather livestock bred on some of the most beautiful pastures this side of the Shire.

Pure Bread Shrewsbury Clydesdale = GOLD
Horny Bull = SILVER
Decent Sow = BRONZE
Pint of Scrumpy = All participants

I think we managed to mention barf, piss and poo in one post. That means we've completed the WIDAHIA Hat Trick!