July 10, 2012



Every so often it's a good idea to keep your super fans and stalkers up to date with what's been going on in your life just so they can adjust their schedules accordingly. I don't want to ruin anything, but let's just say this update is going to totally confuse the part of your brain that controls orgasms.

A couple months back I made a major change in my morning routine and I haven't looked back. This was the kind of move that may end up sticking with me forever, a routine I'll pass along to my brood of super boys for them to take, then shape, into a personalized routine that works for them and their pets. I may be insistent that they always keep batteries in the freezer and use the memo field on cheques for wee little jokes, but as for morning routine, I can merely guide them down a path. As tempting as it is I'm not going to just throw them in a wheelbarrow and and push them around until we hit a rock and they fly into a patch of berries that when eaten cause knees to grow teeth.

I realized I needed a change when I found myself constantly rushing shower time. This is not healthy for a guy who sees the shower as a poor man's hot tub, a place where deep thinking meets deep relaxation meets nudity meets pretending the soap is a chocolate bar.

My routine consisted of a casual wake up, leaving me ample time to eat, watch all of SportsCentre (which I had got into the habit of PVRing), then shower, then teeth. I did it this way because I wanted to keep my bathroom activities in one, solid block, and since only idiots brush their teeth before breakfast, I left that portion to the end of the morning. This is partly because my bathroom is upstairs while my kitchen and TV are downstairs. Remember that part in Toys when LL Cool J explains how he doesn't like his food touching? I think it's sort of like that. Where's my bed? We sleep in a nest!

I put SportsCentre and breakfast ahead of bathroom time, which I didn't think was fixable because bathroom time would then be moved to the pole position violating my 'no brush 'til after the mush' rule. I  started fooling myself into believing that SportsCentre was more important than shower hour, even though I fast forward through most of it only to get to the part at the end when they compile at top ten list. My favourite top ten? Top ten athletes who should've played Morpheus.

I had to start thinking outside the box and the big revelation came when I decided to split up the brush and the wash. I'd prioritize the shower, make SportsCentre the middle man, and finish with a late game brushing. The best part? When I'm done my shower I don't even have to hang around in the bathroom, I can go straight to breakfast and and entertainment without rushing the brushing. Since my mouth gets clean at the last possible moment before I leave, freshness is my reward. I've been barking at so many morning babes these days.

In conclusion, I'd highly recommend examining your own routine and see if you can identify anything stupid.

"Change is like a fine wine -- no one knows where it comes from and rich people are so lucky"
- American proverb

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