July 9, 2012


Food Trucks are the hottest new culinary trend since chocolate hoses. Chefs from all over the world are leaving the comforts of their restaurant kitchens for a life on the road, serving up tasty creations to adults of all sexes out in the hot suns of Planet Human.

Recently I searched the Internet and the graffiti in my Church's bathroom for a definitive how-to guide on how to get started on food trucking, but there wasn't anything good. I found a lot of pictures of tractor trailers made out of sausage and a lot of funny poems about Jesus' bum bum, but nothing a bright-eyed entrepreneur would be able to use. It's probably a simple matter of the trend being in its toddler phase, which is a great phase for a guy like me to swoop in and start documenting the whole phenomenon before pop culture grabs a hold. It's only a matter of time until:

NYPD Blueberries
Seinfeld's Bagels
Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Car
Lord of the Rings, the Burrito King


If you think starting a successful food truck is hard, you're both wrong and beautiful. Food trucks are ten times easier than opening a restaurant and only marginally harder than getting a pair of boxer shorts on a raccoon. All it takes is five easy steps and some start up money. I don't want to tell you how to make the money, but I'll try to set you on the right path. Two words: Computer Wigs.

Step 1: Choose a Food

The first step in creating your business is to choose a food that you'll serve to some of North America's most migraine-inducing food fans, otherwise known as 'foodies'. I shouldn't be one to talk, as I'm part of a new movement of forward-thinking urbanites who enjoy breathing more than others. We use our income and free time toward enjoying new air and we've been tinkering with a way to use our genital holes in the respiratory process.

Most food trucks concentrate on one main item, like tacos or hot dogs or acorns. For the purposes of our example, let's choose Shish Kebabs, which are made by skewering chunks of meat and/or vegetables and then cocooning them in hair. They can then be grilled or baked.

Step 2: Find a Truck

I don't know where you can find a truck. I guess check the news maybe? Just make sure you don't accidentally buy a train.

Step 3: Choose a Name

Your food truck won't be popular unless you come up with a killer name/concept. This will inform your truck's attitude and will influence the quirky names you give to each of your dishes. Let's do some brainstorming and see what we can come up with for our new shish kebab truck before I gotta take a quick break to check on a batch of my homemade Skittles.

Swish Kebab -  A basketball theme. All workers dress in classic basketball camisoles.
Shit Kebab - brown truck, toilet trailer, slogan "All food turns to shit"
Fish Kebab - grilled fish, all workers wear goggles. Free water for customers
Shish K. Bob's - mascot is a business man
Fresh Kebab - boring

Step 3: Menu Plan

Looks like I'm going to have a really good batch of Skittles. You don't have to be an accomplished chef to build a great menu. All you need to do is pick a handful of ethnicities, apply them to your main food item then give them a quirky name.

Italian Shish Kebab -- The Shish Kebabambino -- it has cured meat and like, olives on it
Asian Shish Kebab -- The Shish Kebabibimbab -- Korean style
Mexican Shish Kebab -- The Sombrero -- it has a lot of cumin
Nebraska Shish Kebab - The Shish KeCob -- just corn
French Shish Kebab - The Shish de Sade -- duck, mini croissant, butter, cognac

Step 4: Mission Statement

Your truck won't be popular unless you claim to use fresh, local ingredients. You don't actually have to, as it's doubtful that some guy will be able to tell the difference between a carrot from Dubai and one from Guelph.

Step 5: Image

Your staff will have to be smiley, cute and quirky, and at least one person will need tattoos. You'll all need t-shirts with modern designs. If anyone asks why you do what you do just say "I want to give people fresh food made with lots of love". Go outside of this image and risk having a bunch of suburban philistines as your clientele.

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