July 14, 2010


Like most shit in life, the recent heat wave has had its positives, negatives and so-so's. Pants have been put on national "do not sport" lists while radish farmers have become the country's newest millionaires. But at the end of the day, summer is about kids because popsicles are about kids and popsicles are about summer.

Since most kids don't have a water slide in their backyard, the majority have to look for wet fun elsewhere, which is where your local recreation centre comes in. The jewel of my community is the Coach Neck Del Martino Memorial Rec Centre, and I'd like to take you on a little tour!

Right outside the main entrance is a statue of the late coach that was erected last year thanks to the generous support of local businesses. Special shout outs to Nick's Barber Shop whose hair eating contest raised $25,000 dollars and made the next day's charity Barf Off a whole lot more interesting.

Just inside the entrance is the main foyer that was designed by Ms. Harver's 2nd grade class. The kids got to vote on the statues at the end of the hall and they chose Robert Pattinson and popular Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman, Tomas Kaberle. The floors are polished every hour by a robot named Gregory who wants nothing more than to be a professional angler. We don't treat him very well because quite frankly, he's not a real guy.

Oh, and there he is! The best administrator in town, Mike Moon. He keeps things running smooth and even fills the pool with a special water he makes in his garage. I asked him to pose next to his Rec Centre of the Millennium Award, but he just couldn't pry himself away from his work, which on this day was sending one email a minute to world cannonball champion Splash "The Human SkyDome" Jordan with hopes of him attending this year's regatta.

Here we have one of our fabulous outdoor pools, with all the modern amenities. Since we're an environmentally concious facility, the pool doubles as a racoon trap at night. Everything that's caught doesn't go to waste and is used in our kitchen's famous ragout sauce. Bathers are cautioned not to drink the water because it contains cobra venom which gives it that special shine.

That does it for part one of our tour. Parts two through sixty-eight can be found in our year book which is available via trade only. Things we need are -- cars, gold, maybe like, some personalized sweatshirts for the staff, a new dart board, a football field and a good lawyer. Thanks for your time and I'll see you in the pool!


scott said...

I have a couple sweatshirts for trade, but they're only good if you have anyone named Bourf or Tits on staff.

Duke of Spook said...

I wish you weren't kidding

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