July 18, 2010



Vampires are such interesting guys that a mere interview with one spawned a book AND a major motion picture. I bet your favourite sports star wouldn't be able to pull something like that off. In an attempt to boost ratings around here, I tried to interview a vampire because they're good at it and because they're on top of the world right now thanks to a little franchise called Harry Potter.

Unfortunately, Vampires probably aren't real, and even if they were it's not like a know any. Instead I secured an entertaining discussion with the next closest thing -- my friend Danny who sucks. Do you get that? It's all about that word "sucks" taken in a different context.

Interview with Danny who sucks

D - Make this quick, I'm going to Canada's Wonderland today

WIDAHIA - Oh, okay, well that's a great place to start -- what's your favourite ride?

D - You see, this is what I've been talking about lately man, you're so out of it. No one goes there for the rides anymore. It's all about strolling around and lowering your shades when you see a hot girl. If she winks at you, you meet at Splash Works, she sits in your lap and you apply sunscreen to her. If shit is real, you grab a lemonade, spike it with Bacardi Spiced, chug it, and then have sex in a bathroom. Then you ditch her and do it again. Last time I went? Seven girls.

WIDAHIA - Why bother going to Wonderland to do that, why not just go to a club or a beach or something?

D - Why do I pop my collar? Why do I have a tattoo of my dog? Why does toast* taste better than bread? How do planes stay in the sky? Dude, a lot of questions don't have answers. You think too much. The trick is to realize something is cool and then just do it. Like my man Frank told me about this Wonderland shit and I didn't question it. First time I went I rode the Bat and I didn't get laid once. I asked Frank what was up and he told me the same thing I just told you about not going on rides. I just accepted it unlike you, and BAM SAM, I've honked more tits in three weeks than I have in my whole life.

WIDAHIA - You're a dick sometimes.

D - And who owns dicks? Men. And who owns the world? Men. No offense taken brother.

WIDAHIA - Okay, what do you want to talk about?

D - iPhones are pretty sick.

Danny took out his iPhone and showed me his apps. Surprisingly, his favourite is a simple recipe finder.

WIDAHIA - That's pretty neat, I don't have an iPhone, but I love to cook, so this one would be great for me.

D - This thing is hilarious. Look -- "Spotted Dick" (laughs very hard), check this one -- "Dill Weed", and my favourite "Pork Butt". This is probably the funniest app I have. Have you seen the "Fart Dogs" app?


Maybe I should've just done an interview with a vampire. I was going to at first. I should've spun that ending, but it's one of those days where Monday feels like it does in the movies.

That's it for today. I just finished a bag of Hickory Sticks in like, five minutes and my body feels strange. Will root beer solve the problem? Find out tomorrow on Dateline NBC, where I'll talk about today's events and address the whole situation with that baby lion I found in the toilet.

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