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July 16, 2010

DIG A HOLE, PUT SOMETHING SILLY IN IT, COVER IT AND SCATTER CLUES

Holy fruit, 7 of my 451 recorded friends have birthdays today. If my math is correct, that means their parents had sex around Remembrance Day, the lustiest day of the year next to Saturday. So big birthday "whoop whoops" to Jon, Ashley, Ginger, Levi, Mike, Gary and Laura.

Before I went shopping this morning to buy each one of the birthday friends **SPOILER ALERT** a cute little cactus, I sat down with my birds and read the paper. Yesterday I made fun of the news, because that's what my heart told me to do, but today I think I'll take a more scientific approach and analyze it.

First, there's this story about a little town whose annual turtle race was canceled because some people heard about it and got really pizzed. To those people I say -- wipe a butt! I could understand being mad at a turtle hunt or turtle baseball, but to chastise a small town for getting some shells together for a race, then returning them to what's probably a very cute little river, is just plain shitty. "One Burlington man called the race an “odious and despicable game” and Ailsa Craig a “poorly educated backwoods community.” I call that one Burlington man "stupid and old". He should mind his business and go back to watering his suburban driveway.

Then there was an article on Rob Ford, a big man who wants to be Mayor of Toronto. When I saw this picture of him, I thought I was looking at a villain in the next Batman film:

It's like he's running for mayor, but really he's just a puppet of the Joker and once he wins the election, and is sitting in a hot tub full of ladies smoking a cigar, the Joker comes in and kills him. Look at the button! That's a prop!

He looks a lot like the Rush Limbaugh character on the Simpsons, "Birch Barlow":

Have a good weekend, readers of the screen, have fun, stay cool and make your own granola to save money.

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