June 27, 2012



I thought I'd get some journalism done while my ceramic cardinal bakes in the kiln, and since kilns are known for their heat, I got inspired to discuss cottaging, summer's answer to moteling (spring). Why a cardinal? Honestly, they make me so happy.

What is a Cottage?

A cottage is a small house on, or near a lake, surrounded by trees, containing questionable bathrooms, boats, old TVs and board games that even grandpa thinks are stupid. Cottages can be bought just the same as regular houses, or rented just the same as dogs. Renting is fairly widespread, but it's best to start looking early because all the best places get booked in the fall. One memorable summer I waited too long and ended up in a dump in Fort Lauderdale. My story was eventually turned into a film, Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise.

Things to do in the rain

When you think of cottages you think of being outside in the sunshine, enjoying fresh coconuts while your honey bun tans naked out on the dock. Not every day can be sunny though, so you'll need a list of rainy day activities in your back pocket just in case. Canadian law stipulates that while at a cottage you must be outside at all times unless you're sleeping, making a meal that's not hamburgers, or using the bathroom for everything except vomiting. It may not be written in the history books, but most of cottage country was formed out from a glacier of puke that started at the best bar in Whitehorse known for its strong whiskey that gold miners would mix with moose piss. Anyway, because of this, the rainy day activities I'm about to make up aren't your everyday fuckin' arts and crafts, make a robot out of backpacks indoors type of shit.

- yell at some flowers. Say stuff like "enjoy it while it lasts" and "I could spit on you and you wouldn't know the difference"
- count raindrops with your best friend until one of you gets tired. The loser has to go be offensive to elderly locals
- put a pot over an open fire and enjoy a steady stream of fresh boiling water then add some birch bark to make a tea that will make your mind think the colour blue is the number 12
- record some thunder and then play it when the sun comes out again. Did you know that was how IMAX started?

The Fishing Report

Fish remain waterproof and fairly slippery. The best method to catch one is to use a traditional rod and reel baited with this summer's hottest new bait trend, a HUMAN EAR.

I'd advise against the method of tying a rope around your cat and tossing it in because cats can't swim very well at all, and you can't even talk to them about the experience afterward. In fact, don't bring your cat to the cottage at all. A cat loves being home alone because it hates how you smell. The best way to feed your cat while you're away is to just leave a pile of groceries in the middle of the living room. Throw a few lizards on the pile and that should regulate things enough so that it doesn't eat everything at once.

Cottage Recipe 

Basic Fish Dinner

1 Fresh Fish
1 flag

Cook the fish any way you want. My favourite cottage method is to stick a cigarette in the fish's mouth while it's gasping for water. The chemicals from the smoke will cure the animal from the inside out and it makes for a cute photo you can turn into a desktop wallpaper at work.

Take your favourite flag and wrap the fish in it. Salute the package then submerge in a bucket for of sugar. Take it out after a few hours and serve with fresh berries.

Funny Pages

Use these cottage jokes all over cottage country. You might even impress the canoe salesman enough that he decides to invite you over to throw tomatoes at his wife.

(At the General Store in town) You guys don't sell Admirals here, do you?

What does a motor boat, some corn and a Jeep have in common? They're all American classics! 

 A rabbi, a priest and and a librarian walk into a lake. The rabbi says, "this is God's creation", the priest says "this is God's creation" and the librarian says "you guys ever read Roald Dahl?".

We were at the cottage and my son asked if we could go for a hike. I said yes, then gave him a wedgie and threw him in the woods. 

What do you call a cottage sunset? I don't know I'm too busy drying my bathing suit.

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