June 12, 2012


In a rare occurrence I used the post office today and I was shocked to find out that it ain't what it used to be. Please read on to find out more, or if you're in a rush just watch this, it's pretty much the same thing.

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure I have all of this on record before things get out of hand. One time I found out that most Ontario milk is 49% egg whites but I didn't say anything because I had just bought a new Where's Waldo? graphic novel and got immersed in it for a month. Thank goodness the Fifth Estate eventually uncovered the story because my protein levels were far above Popeye and I couldn't stop beating up nerds.

A typical 20th century Post Office, or "Silly Bank" as they were called in the Maritime Provinces

Back before computers destroyed everything that old people enjoy, the Post Office was commonly the biggest and most impressive structure in any North American town. Entering through its doors made the Earth feel smaller, a magical place where messages from around the world crossed paths, not unlike a whorehouse close to the airport. Friends and neighbours would wait patiently in line and warn one another about any new immigrants in town while listening to the swingin' sounds of Narf and the Gay Potatoes over the loudspeaker. Going to the Post Office was an enjoyable experience, but like everything except candy, it got all shitty.

A typical modern Shoppers Drug Mart as designed by the wizards at Pixar
Nowadays it's pretty hard to find a post office that isn't in a Shoppers Drug Mart. It's probably because Shoppers cashed in some of their UNLIMITED Optimum points. "Post Office" is the second most expensive item in the Optimum Catalogue, the most expensive being a three course meal cooked by Brent Butt, and served on Brent Butt.

Typical Post Office Clerk, 1986
It used to be you could go to your post office to not only send and receive mail, but also get a malt, a shave, a roast for dinner and a shoulder to cry on all thanks to the friendly clerks who interestingly enough, were usually paid in tires. That's why you sometimes hear post office clerks referred to as "Rubber Dudes". Most clerks were thought of in the same fond regard as the late night television hosts of the day. In fact, Johnny Carson was a post office clerk until he messed up and mailed a bomb to the Taj Mahal after a psychopathic house wive assured him it was nothing but a piping hot pecan pie baked fresh for the emperor.
Artist's rendering of the clerk I met with today
This afternoon I needed send some shoes back to their manufacturer because they were shitty and I didn't like them. My allergies were acting up and I needed some new garbage bags too, so decided to kill three birds with one punch and head to my local Shoppers Drug Mart. At the mail counter I was met by a lady who seemed very pissed off that I didn't really know how to mail a pair of shoes to California. Seriously lady, what the hell? I barely know how to mail a letter anymore, let alone and entire pair of shoes. While I was filling out some form she also yelled at an old Indian man for a bit. Mind you, he was kind of dumb too, but hey, that's the modern post office/drug store for you, every aisle you're met with something you stick in a human hole and a moron. When the clerk asked me "are these a gift?" I should've said, "Yeah, what's the address of your butt?". Instead I thanked her nicely because I'd like to keep the spirit of the post office alive.

Now for some suitable exit music:


scott said...

I've been saving up for Butt on Butt for years.

Duke of Spook said...

I hear his preferred dish to cook is macaroni and chips

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