June 26, 2012




Peace loving softies everywhere were eagerly anticipating the release of this film ever since creator Wes Anderson's last film The Fantastic Mr. Fox gave them something to talk about over tea and tears.

This new one is about two twelve year-olds who run away together because no one they know approves of their love. Damn right. They don't know what they're doing. You never hear anyone say "It's ridiculous that legal marriage age isn't 10". I guess it's supposed to be cute. I'll tell you what's cute -- Yoda as a baby.

The little boy is a precocious, orphaned boy scout who seems to know what he's doing even though he looks young enough to be my son. No one likes him except his steady girl and he doesn't seem to give a shit about anything but her. Someone show this kid a water slide!

The little girl is an arty and depressed. Have you seen Royal Tenenbaums? She's exactly like Gwenyth Paltrow in that thing. I'm naturally weary of any kid who likes anything but Christmas, candy and toys. I don't even think this girl mentions chocolate once for Heaven's sake.

Shit! You know what would be cool? If in the next Fast and Furious movie, the preview goes "Warning, this preview contains spoilers" and then the next shot is a slow pan across the back of all these oUtRagEous sports cars and they all have cool spoilers. Have they done that already? You could do the same with a movie about rats or bees, or even one about milk and the sun. OH! And if Mel Brooks ever makes a movie again, the poster should say "Mel Brooks Resents... " because that's just his style.

Anyway, everything in this movie looks crisp and plaid. Typical of the Wes-ster, no one in it ever watches TV or talks about stuff regular old stuff like groceries or wrestling. All they ever do is read, listen to French records and cheat on each other. I bet when you go to Wes' house you're not allowed to use the bathroom. And I bet he took out his shower and added a train set or something. His toilet paper is probably yellow fabric.

Bill Murray reprises his role as an intelligent, wealthy depressed man whose wife is of course cheating on him with the Island's policeman played by the Bruce "Iron Goose" Willis. Neither of these two famous sex machines were particularly memorable, which is good for me because I needed that space in my brain to remember how much mayonnaise goes into a pound of coleslaw.

I give this movie about a 6.5 out of 10. It wasn't a watch-checker but I did find my mind wandering from time to time. I didn't get any snacks but I did get some pizza and wings after the show. The next morning my butt hurt.

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