June 14, 2012


My Plan to Improve Our Earth

I think we can all agree that the human world is shitty right now. Europe spent all its money on wine and vacations, the Middle East remains pissed off that they don't ever get winter, the U.S.A. thinks its still a cool teenager when it's really an old man who thinks Tumblr has something to do with Rollerblades, and Asia has yet to fully embrace the NFL. Then there's the rest of the world who hasn't contributed a solid invention since Brazil invented flip flops.

I know this sounds extreme, but maybe it's time to finally anoint a King of the World. I'm not saying I'd be the best man for the job, I mean Huey Lewis or a decent mom would be probably be better, but I would promise to rule on a platform of "Relax everyone, the only things that are serious around here are babies and buddies". Like, if someone yanks your Swatch because their watch isn't funky enough, just let it go. Who cares? But if someone steals your friend Paul, come tell me and I'll send one of my Rhino Riders to get him back and even let him stay a couple of nights in the food court-inspired guest bedroom in the north wing of the castle.

Old Michael brandishing his longsword "Babe Saver" atop my largest bull, the mighty Alan

How am I going to pay my Rhino Riders, Spear-Wielding Black Belt Scientists, SCUBA Bears and live bands? With fully-stocked banquets. This is just simple human math, man. You ever seen Beowulf 3D? Those guys didn't care who much gold was in their socks so long as the banquet hall was full of rice, juice and fun girls who just want to meet some fun guys, no strings attached.

How will I pay for all the produce? I'll grow it, no problem. My castle will be surrounded with fields and pastures and my chefs will be able to live for free in underground tunnels beneath them. There will be a cute little choo choo train that can take them to and fro their neighbours' holes. The train will surface into a forest that I will fill with kittens and sprinklers. This part of the trip is simply for amusement, but I suspect most hole-women will use it to dry their hair thanks to the open air train cars modeled after traditional GT Snow Racers.

Everyone will be able to do whatever they want. The great thing about this decree is that there's bound to be a whole bunch of people who get so bored they'll work anyway. There's no reason to worry that we can't survive this way. Animals are so stupid and yet they live off the Earth with ease. In fact, their biggest threat is our garbage and thirst for mansions.

The only issue I think we're going to have if we go back to living like animals is the whole survival of the fittest thing. When we gave that up following the ice age (it had something to do with jocks wearing nerds as coats instead of killing them), nerds were suddenly able to breed and we ended up with scientists who built us the coolest stuff and made it so we could eat food that was never alive. That makes me think -- when we started making things out of metal, we tried eating it first, right?

Anyway, it wouldn't be fair to treat the weak-bodied, yet strong-minded with disrespect because the point of this whole thing is to be cool. I suggest using a country like Norway as a playground for strong people. They can go climb, fight, kill, surf or whatever and when they go home they will be so relaxed and relaxation is peace unless you have a nightmare about a world without movies.

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