June 19, 2012


Summer Swim Guide



Swimming should only be done under the supervision of a certified dive technician with at least 25 years of experience. Always keep a copy of Divid Flu's Swinning tucked safely into your wet pants in case there's an emergency during maneuvers. Don't let your cat drink pool water, it's turns their eyes black.

First off, thanks to everyone who signed up for last year's Snorkel Club. By the end of the summer we donated over forty five snorkels to the No Squat Squad who teaches wealthy, young female campers how to pee outdoors while standing up using nothing but a simple snorkel. After an intensive disinfection process, the snorkels were then re-purposed as fun straws for the poor camp across the way. To participate this year leave two mangoes on your dashboard by July 1st.

New Moves

No point delaying the most popular feature of the annual swim guide, the newest diving board tricks, pulled from some of the world's top all-season pools.

Half Raisin

It's a pretty simple aesthetic non-aerial nude dangle, marathon style. Simply hang yourself off the board exposing just your lower half to the water. Remain dangling for one hour while being careful not to get any upsplash on your torso or above. After one hour, pull yourself back up and let your prisoners gaze jealously at your nude body that should now display a perfect half-prune.


Simple is in the season. To start off a killer Chum, induce a nose or ear bleed somewhere out of sight, like in the rose bushes behind the board or in the storage shed. Once you've established a rapid gush, fill your mouth with canned tuna or simply your favourite sea or lake food. Freestyle a dope aerial then while underwater, spit out the food and apply pressure to the origin of the bleeding to ensure maximum leakage. Emerge to the awe of the funeral guests.

Wette Riddler

The is adapted from a famous David Blane illusion that got popular February of this year in the pool behind Larry's Card Games in Las Vegas, where pool parties are all too common. This is a complicated trick that takes all day to pull-off. During the daytime, you'll need to give yourself a vicious sunburn on one side of your body. I prefer to burn my back just because it brings back fond memories of my days as one of the human bacons. Once night falls, drink half a bottle of fresh gin and head to the highest diving board in your county. Gather together as many sluts and captains as you can and have them bet on either "Stomach" or "Back". When the time is right, perform a flop on the opposite side your burns are on, so in this example since my back is burned I'd perform a classic belly flop. Once emerged from the dark depths watch in delight as your guests try to figure out how you managed to pull off the thought to be impossible full body flop when in reality you fooled them like a dog who pretends he's a turkey on Easter.

How to Teach your Child to Swim

The Canadian Water Association has recently revamped their youth swimming teaching protocol, and instead of posting the entire 600 page pdf document, which I read during an 8 hour bath, I'll just give you the main points.

  • Strip 'em then dip 'em
  • If they don't scream, go inside and make lunch
  • Put some snakes in the deep end so they don't swim over there
  • If you don't have snakes threaten to disclose pertinent information regarding the validity of the Santa Claus
  • to keep child from drowning, attach pizza to fishing rod and hold above water
  • If your child is a real sinker show them some drowning victims then make them take a shot of bourbon. They'll learn
  • Let them eat whatever they want before getting in the pool because diarrhea has been found to distract from drowning

Gadget Corner

I went to the Swimming Pool Consumer Expo last week and the big MUST GET pool gadget for 2012 is the Balston Water Mate.

Are you tired of filling your pool with hose water every summer only to have to turn it into pool water then into pickle brine come September? Yes, of course you are because you don't get enough sleep because the hum of your pool heater makes the dog go crazy and start barking then the baby wakes up then you have to bake it some milk and by the time the baby has been fed, washed and bound it's time to go to work again.

Simply attach the system to the tank of any standard toilet and then run a line back into your pool's filtration system with an extra line leading to your pickling table in the basement. Setup should only take a few seconds depending on the make and model of your household droid.

Encourage your family to use the bathroom as much as possible leading up to pool season and by the time Mr. Sun rears his hot fucking ass you should have a pool full of crystal clear, recycled water. Once it gets too cold to swim, hit the reverse button and enjoy a unique tasting pickle brine that's sure to impress local royalty. I was given a test unit to try out last summer and my pickles ended up crisper than ever with a distinct odor of sewage and chlorine, ideal for the serious connoisseur.

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