RAT INFESTED FERRARI

I tried to break 50 posts in 2012 in order to eclipse 2011's dismal total but instead I tied. I don't think there's anything wrong with that because a tie means everyone wins, in this case Present Glenn and Past Glenn. I guess Future Glenn wins too because if Past Glenn and Present Glenn were at each other's throats it could cause Future Glenn to turn into some sort of subterranean-dwelling gator man who sells vintage chocolate bars by night. I think Present Glenn technically wins though because....

...at the beginning of 2012 on of my hands looked like this:

My first major injury. Good thing it was my left hand and not my right foot, or else I would've had to masturbate using a complex system of oils, stretches and my inner thighs. One of my favourite parts of the whole ordeal was when I woke up from surgery. Suddenly I had the eyes of a zebra! Ha, no way. I remember two nurses wheeling me somewhere and they asked how I was doing. I said I needed to throw up so I did. All over myself. I passed out. I awoke in my room without a trace of puke on me. I felt like Frodo Baggins when he woke up in Rivendell, all cleaned up, wounds dressed. After that I found out why people love morphine so much. 

Because of my injury I had to type like this:

The beak of the beast represents my one strong hand, a reliable, hardened weapon I dubbed "The Cheek Pincher". For all you kids out there, it refers to that thing you do to cute kids if they have pudgy cheeks. For the over eighteens it means BUTT.

I guess a strong-willed warrior would've shrugged off this disability and wrote more blogs than ever before, but those warriors probably don't like TV as much as I do.

So when you all that take that into consideration I think I did pretty well. What does 2013 hold? Let's try to figure it out... together! Don't come over though, I meant Internet together. Don't you dare show up to my house.

BIG KEYS

You may not have noticed but keys have gotten smaller and smaller since days of yore when families required a team of oxen to carry their keys around for them. The oxen were tethered to the key sled by a series of chains made from whatever crap you had around the house, hence the term we still use today, "key chain". It actually wasn't even that long ago. Here's Steve Jobs with the key to Apple's first headquarters:

I think the trend will finally reverse itself this year because the old guard of blacksmiths who for years have been pressured by key lobbyists to cease production of large keys have finally started to retire. There's a new generation of young smiths eager to revert to the old ways. Just yesterday I passed by a shop that advertised old fashioned sword balls.


TASTE PICKLE BRINE LIKE WINE

Beer tastings have become as popular as wine tastings opening the door for a new contender and it's this journalist's opinion that pickle brine will be the one. At our New Year's Eve party I arranged for a small tasting and we discovered notes of red currant and meatballs in a Strubb's brine while a Bick's produced an interesting note of air coming out of a balloon on the nose. 

DEATH OF POST-IT NOTE

Mark my words, people are going to start gluing computer screens to everything, everywhere. 

ONE TIME USE TOOTHPASTE AND SUNSCREEN

If we can send a tractor to Mars, I don't think it impossible to invent a one time use toothpaste and sunscreen.Think of all the time you waste brushing your teeth and oiling yourself up when old man sunshine starts screamin'. A one time use formula would give us all more time to mess around with calligraphy.

If you've reached this point in the post and hated everything you've read, here's some past material about the New Year. You'll probably hate it too though because I made it. Get outta here.