SHE HAD TERMINATOR EYES AND TITANIC LIPS

Movie Review

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit takes most of its stuff from a book written by England's own JRR Tolkien, a man who was so dissatisfied with the amount of slime and magic in the stories he grew up with that he decided to make up his own. Rumour has it he once described Sherlock Holmes as "a miserable old cunt who wouldn't know a yo-yo string from a shoelace". For his books he made up a bunch of lies about what our planet is really like, renamed it Middle Earth and filled it with creatures who wouldn't stand a chance against Spiderman. Not all the creatures are bad though, there are some friendly guys too, most notably the Hobbits themselves. They're essentially pint-sized English gentlemen farmers except they don't like sports. They might like darts I guess but that isn't in the movie or the book. 

Gandalf the wizard rolls the dice and chooses Bilbo the Hobbit as the last member of a team of adventurous dwarves on a mission to reclaim the gold and diamonds a dragon once stole from their dads. Why does he choose a little barefoot man instead of a big bruiser who actually owns a sword? Because Gandalf is a smart old guy whom you can't picture being a teenager. Anyway, the team runs into trouble along the way culminating in a battle with some goblins and the finding of the famous ring that Bilbo essentially nicks from a crazy toad.   

What did we learn?

We learn that no matter how small you are, you can do whatever it is your magic ring lets you do. In the case of Bilbo Baggins it makes him invisible, which is probably the number one most desirable ring power a short guy could want. That or a ring that makes his hair tall. I'm kidding. Today I saw one of the tallest guys I've ever seen and to him I wasn't the stretched dream most women under 65 see me as. So it's all about perspective.

Were we amazed?

If you saw Lord of the Rings you probably won't tingle because The Hobbit was made by the same guy, Peter Jackson. He probably used the same computer too but with much needed upgrades -- new keyboard, mouse, sound card etc.

What will be its legacy?

This film will be remembered as the one that came after Lord of the Rings even though it should've come before. It will also be remembered for having been chopped into three whole movies even though there's only one book and it's only like, 300 pages. I don't mind though. Any excuse to get out of the house, know what I mean?

Popcorn or candy?

I'd recommend popcorn for this one. It's salty, buttery crunch makes an ideal companion to Peter Jackson's squishy sweet images and Howard Shore's sour score.