December 7, 2010


I never really delved too deep into the details of my employment over the last five years, mostly because I feel that work should never get in the way of poo jokes. But I can now safely announce that I no longer do that thing I used to do, which was reading press releases all day. Instead I now listen to webcasts. I tell you this not to draw out congratulations but so you can adjust your fantasy sequences of me accordingly. Hopefully this new position won't mean less critically acclaimed blog posts, but if they do I have a back-up plan where I just start copying people.

This April, not only will I be celebrating the 9th anniversary of my 20th birthday, but HBO's Game of Thrones will premiere to the screams of millions of teenage girls across the world. Did I say teenage girls? I meant middle-aged freaks. Just kidding. I'm a big fan of the books and I consider myself more of a wimpy smiler who still thinks he's a young adult.

I've been reading the books since June and I'm still going, so when I'm an old man, telling my grand kids about the years 2010 and 2011 while they feed my milk and energy crisps, I'll be able to tell them that it was mostly me just enjoying stories about dragons. I guess it's better than two years characterized by weight gain or jail time. I'm no longer scared of years dominated by hair loss because I've had time to accept it. I believe I first noticed my hair leaving in first year university. What a ride it's been. Anyway, here's an exclusive Foot Locker® Sneaker Peaker Insider Peak that debuted after the new Taco Bell commercial debuting the new Nine Cheese Mexi-Shake that debuted during the second warm-up of last Thursday's NBA game between the Denver Nuggets and the St. Louis Battlebirds:

Kudos to the art department, who will no doubt be Emmy bound this year.

I truly am excited for this damn thing that will actually look like this:

To some of you, namely the ignorant ones who don't read books and have no sense of adventure, this will look just as silly as that fake footage. But you'll be sorry once bearded guys with swords who wrap themselves in fur become the new vampire, igniting a worldwide craze. The porno parody will be called Game of Thongs, Brad Pitt will play a guy in a movie with a name like Grogoz and horse traffic will increase to levels not seen since Henry Ford realized that burned gasoline smells a bit better than manure.

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