DITCH THAT TURTLE AND LET'S GO HANG GLIDING ALREADY

MOVIE POSTER MADNESS

Did you lose a lot of money on stocks this year and can't afford to go on dates to movies anymore? Don't sell your shoes! There's an better way - you can easily tell what a movie is all about just by looking at its poster, so grab your babe by the butt, fire up your old computer and run a simple Google image search to find the poster of the film you wish to view. Here's what I'm talkin' about:

If you see a poster that features hand-drawn-esque 3-D lettering and the movie has a girl's name in the title, then you can expect to see an sappy indie love fest featuring young cutesies and almost handsomes.

I'm pretty sure Juno started this trend. I hate this movie a whole lot for so many different reasons. If I had a choice between watching this again and getting ear surgery, I'd still watch this but whine about how I should've chose ear surgery the whole time.

The guys who made this film decided that if Michael Cera + young female lead + 3D letters worked once, it'd work again. I haven't seen this movie but chances are it's not the type of film that would make me say "SO FUN OH YEAH"

The makers of this pile of garbage couldn't get Michael Cera, so they settled for an excruciating dick nose instead. They figured adding Hayden Pantiesererss would make it profitable, forgetting that Heroes is utter dog shit and only idiots still like it.

More recently we have Sam Mendes' Away We Go featuring Michael Cera's older brother John Krasinski and Rashida Jones' sister Maya Rudolph. This one doesn't have a girl's name in the title, unless the lady's name is "Away" which I don't think it is. But it is about pregnancy linking it to Juno. I haven't seen this yet, although I once read a David Eggers book and when I was finished it I farted and said to myself "that was the best part".


This one is kinda pushing it, but the 3D letters, awkward/geeky/cool male lead and buzz worthy female definitely make it eligible. I saw this movie and thought it was pretty good, but I kind of don't like that main guy, and Kristen Stewart, much like the unwatchable Evan Rachel Wood, has but one or maybe two emotions in her acting sack. Her hair touching is akin to Wiley Wiggins' face touching in Dazed and Confused.

That's genre #1. Next, if you see a poster with fadey colours and a centered picture of the film's comic lead, then you're in for a silly movie with lots of dick, fart and sex references.

This is the first poster I saw that utilized the aforementioned technique and I thought it was neat. This movie is pretty good, but I've never really liked Steve Carrell for some reason. Maybe it's his lips - ewwwwwww!

This one might go down as one of the worst Will Ferrell movies of all time. I've only seen a tiny bit and learned that you should never hire Andre 3000 for anything other than rapping fast and singing songs about poo flowers.


If this guy got me pregnant I'd be a damn millionaire. I like this movie just fine but I think they should have made a different poster. Who is this graphic designer? Luckiest guy.

Judd Apatow - Hi graphic designer, can you make me a new poster?
Designer - Of course! Got any ideas?
Judd Apatow - Just copy that 40 year old virgin poster.
Designer- That took me like 10 minutes to make, I can do better, I have lots of ideas.
Judd Apatow - Did I ask you how long it took asshole?! JUST MAKE IT OR I'LL TEAR YOUR FUCKIN ANUS OFF WITH MY TEETH.
Designer - Give me ten minutes.

Todd Phillips is the most overrated director in the world. He makes mediocre fart flicks that totally rely on the excellent casts he always manages to get. But I haven't seen this one either, so I guess I can't really pass judgment.

Here's Mike Judge's new movie Extract. Points go to this poster for not featuring a big picture of Jason Bateman's fat head. I take those points immediately away for instead putting a bad dick joke front and centre. I love Mike Judge and I hope this movie will be funnier than this poster is. I also hope the movie will make more sense than this poster. This tells me it's about Walnuts and dicks. Good? Bad? I don't know!

I'm fairly certain there's more of these examples but I know you have things to do other than listening to me slap around movies I haven't even seen. Plus I couldn't think of any more.