June 4, 2009


I just tried chocolate Skittles, and yes - they taste like shit.

The worst candy I've ever had is this Chinese brand called "Haw flakes". They look like gerbil food and taste like rotten fruit dipped in butt sweat. I went over to my cousin's house once and they were all excited about some candy their mom bought and were like "Oh yeah! Haw flakes!" and I was like "Daaaaaammnnnn those are the worst!".

Would you want to eat that? It looks like a scab.

Hear about that big car crash at Queen and University on Tuesday night? I must have biked by there minutes before it happened, just like when I walked by the subway minutes before that shooting went down in winter time or whenever that was.

Are there dark forces at work here?

Maybe I'll write a new TV show - an hour long drama called "The Follower" about a regular guy who is followed by this evil spirit that causes bad stuff to happen in the wake of the guy going anywhere. Every so often the spirit takes a human form and talks to the guy and it's Michael Ironside.

Spirit - Hello Zach. Sorry about killing that museum full of people, but you went to the museum so I had to do it.

Zach - What do you want from me!

Spirit - What everyone wants...

Zach - Money? Power?

Spirit - No. To follow a guy around and do bad things.

And then the main guy figures out that he can use this bad spirit to rid the world of terrible things so goes to the jail to visit and then the jail blows up and then he goes to Iraq and plays cards with terrorists and they turn to goo and stuff like that.

Not only did that crash teach me you can make a TV show out of anything, but it also taught me that I'm a very urban man now. I live almost at that intersection and was home when the crash happened, sitting by an open window looking onto Queen St. But I didn't hear a thing! There had to be sirens and a loud bang, but I didn't hear anything because I'm so used to the noise.

Speaking of Queen St., last Friday night there was a gaggle of shitty babes out on the street being drunk and dumb and one of them hiked up her skirt and urinated on Queen St. in front of "Bang On" the t-shirt store. Then they started making out with these foreign dudes out of nowhere and then they got into a limo.

I feel like my thoughts today were very complete. I toned down a bit of the silliness and gave you an understanding of the way I live and the candy I avoid. I'm going to celebrate by thinking about root beer...


highwaisted said...

"it looks like a scab"

it does.

Duke of Spook said...

Looks like a scab, tastes like a scab

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