CANADY DRIED

CONSUMER REPORTS

I don't like buying things because things cost money and money is hard to come by if you're not someone who knows how to come by it easily. The other week I unhinged this anti-consumerist philosophy and got a new phone, even though I didn't really have to pay for it. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT

It's one of those phones that has the Internet on it, and since I'm a Scrooge McMan, I opted out of a data plan because I find it unnatural doing computer things outside in nature where technology isn't the main man. Anyway, whenever anyone plays with this new phone of mine, they end up signing me into Twitter by accident because this phone does everything in its power to get you on the Internet, making it as easy as pushing the "up" button, and now I owe a whole $13.50 for two weeks of accidental use.

So don't get this stupid phone unless you decide to pay for a data plan and have no problem being forced into being connected to social media all the damn time. I really just got it because it had a keyboard and the OPTION to use these applications if I ever find myself not satisfied with the amount of time I already spend on the Internet in the comfort of my home and workplace. And don't ask me if you can see it, because I won't let you, not based on you and your gross hands, but based on the diamond eating fat cats who designed this phone to suck as much dough as they can out of men like me and women like women who buy phones like me.

CHINESE FOOD REPORTS

Yesterday we got Chinese Food and I wanted it so bad that after I called I was watching the clock like a modern teen watches a hippie watch a rainbow on the computer. So yeah, I was sitting there with ants in my pants and I thought I'd be okay because "The Great Outdoors" was on TV. It didn't help though, and so I sat wiggling for 45 minutes and could barely contain myself when the man with the food finally arrived. I bought way too much hot and sour soup though. Anyone want some? Come on, free soup.

BACHELOR PARTY REPORTS

I went to a strip club on Saturday for the first time in years, and nothing much has changed. Girls dance on a stage and strip their clothes off while men drink and try to figure out how to get a girl to have sex with them next time they see a regular one.

BLOG POST REPORT

I don't know about this one. I think I'm so complainy because it's Monday, which everyone hates because it thinks it's so cool. Whatever to you Monday, I'm way cooler -- I know every Nirvana song on guitar and I have more than three pairs of shoes. Next time we speak (me and you, not me and Monday) I'm going to be so much happier because I'll be working with another day of the week, like Thursday who is a librarian type who knows a lot about movies and who will party when called upon.