GRAVITY'S ONLY ENEMY SO FAR IS JUMPING SO IT'S JUST FINE

Technology has given humans a lot in the last decade: hybrid cars, celebrity chefs, and instanter coffee to name a few. But what most people love about technology is the amount of information we're all suddenly privy to, which has bred a whole new generation of Smart Alecs, Know-It-Alls and Transformers. It would literally take infinity years to take in all the information out there, which is why a modern man like myself has to be very selective as to which stories to follow and which to shun like that peach I left on my desk that has dark spots now and now I won't eat it because I like my fruit pristine.

Here are some hot news items that I haven't been following at all despite their prominence on front pages over the last little while. Yes, for sure man, I should've followed some of them, but I prefer reading about celebrities and their sex lives, so until Omar Khadr starts dating Miley Cyrus, I'm probably not going to change. Here are some stories I keep seeing but know next to nothing about:

OMAR KHADR

Well ladies? Hot or not?

It seems like this story has been around as long as terrorism was invented 9 years ago.

What I think I know:

• this guy and some of his buds wanted to blow something up, but they got caught
• he's at Guantanamo Bay, which isn't a nice Cuban restaurant, but rather a correctional facility that may or may not serve Cuban cuisine
• he's about to be sentenced I think
• his brother just found that the Canadian government won't send him to the United States to be punished, probably because we like to keep our most talented, whether they be Sarah Polleys or master exploders

What I don't know:

• What did this guy want to explode? I could've sworn it was the CN Tower and some other Toronto landmarks, but seriously, who does this guy think he is, the cast of Canadian Bacon?
• He's Canadian right?
• Why is this story taking so long to be over?
• How bad of a dude is this guy?

The Facts:

Luckily, our enemy Omar is a "hot topic" on the Toronto Star website, and there's this nice little summary:

"Canadian Omar Khadr was arrested in 2002 at age 15 after a gunfight in Afghanistan and charged in the death of U.S. soldier. The Supreme Court of Canada ruled Jan. 29, 2010, that Khadr's Charter rights were violated at the U.S. detention centre at Guantanamo Bay, but refused to order Ottawa to repatriate him. He faces trial by U.S. military commission for murder."

I think I was confusing him with that group of guys who wanted to blow up the CN Tower. Not John Candy and co. but the guys from Brampton maybe? There's another story that I don't know butt about. Oh well, no one cares about that one anymore. NEXT

NAOMI CAMPBELL DIAMOND THING

"Hey dad, I don't mean to interrupt, but are we seriously out of Fruit Roll Ups?"

What I think I know:

• Naomi Campbell has been called to testify against some guy because she owns a diamond of some sort.
• As always, Mia Farrow is involved somehow. If she's not whining about adopted kids marrying her husband, she's butting her nose into the lives of supermodels.
  

What I don't know:

• What the hell?
• I seriously don't understand this one.
• I should read more about it at this point, but it's funnier to get tidbits here and there.

The Facts:

From reading Ms. Campbell's Wikipedia page, I've ascertained that her and Mia Farrow were at rich man and possible shoe guru, Charles Taylor's house (not the shoe guru) . The Chuckster gave her a big dirty diamond, probably because diamonds are a girl's best friend, and when girls have their friends around they're more comfortable and therefore more likely to have sex with a diamond man. So this guy is in trouble and Campbell and the former Mrs. Woodrow Allen were forced to testify because the diamonds were the bad kind.

See? This story isn't nearly as interesting as it should've been and now it's not funny anymore I don't think. I'd like to hear more about what happened at the dinner party. I picture it like the opening scene from the first Mission Impossible movie.

TORONTO MAYORAL RACE

Guy on left - "Hey Robby, the chef wants to serve you salad"

What I think I know:

• There's a huge guy named Rob Ford who seems to be winning, but liberal media types hate him because he doesn't like gay marriage. General impressions from yours (truly) can be found here.
• If he were a jolly fat man, I'd vote for him in a snap
  
• The election is in the fall?

What I don't know:

• Is the election in the fall?
• Are there any candidates I would like?
• Why do so many people support a lying, evil man?
• Has anyone burned this guy because he shares a name with a known coward from not only history, but a major motion picture? "The Supplanting of Mayor David Miller by the Coward Robert Ford"

The Facts

Though I'm not 100% certain, I'm pretty sure that I have this one right. There are probably a bunch of hot button issues, but I don't feel like researching all of them. As long as one of the candidates promises no more garbage strikes and makes it so that I don't have to pay a lot of money for things, I'm happy.

I hope this doesn't leave you with the impression that I'm an ignorant gossip hound who doesn't care about the world. I am in fact very worldly and pride myself on vast general knowledge. I once even tried to read "A Brief History of Time". Right now I'm reading George R.R. Martin's epic fantasy series "A Song of Fire and Ice", which will be the subject of a future discussion.