The battery in this computer of mine is weakening like a dying old grandpa lion and there's nothing I can about but sit here and complain about modern lithium ion technology. I think we're pretty close to that time when batteries last for a hundred years and our kids' kids will be like "Cords? Wall sockets?" and instead of electric guitars they'll play guitars with batteries in them and the amplifiers will look like hydro electric stations, making a low humming noise that no one really notices but if you listen carefully you can hear it.
But let's cut the crap and get down to the nitty gritty. Let's break these chains and let the eagle fly free over the land of hope and dreams. Join me on a vision quest through the jungles of time to the annals of evolution and truth until we find the mind's window.
Do you guys know that we're in the THICK of my birthday week? So far I've received several thoughtful cards, a few records, a Delorean model, a small remote controlled R2D2, a dinner at Bistro 990, a brunch by the lake and 2 gift cards. This calls for a celebration!
HOME MADE HIP HOP BEAT OF THE WEEK
BEHIND THE MUSIC
That's me on guitar and that's that guy from Friday on lead vocals. Rap$callion is my hip hop alter ego. He's a janitor who found a a gold microphone in the basement of the school he works at and at first it didn't do anything, but then he combined it with the gold turntables his wife bought him for Christmas, which turned him into this great MC who also fights minor crime at night but only until midnight because at midnight he turns into a ghoul whose skin gets burned by moonlight. So he just stays in the basement and makes beats and eats pickles for some reason. The full story will be explained in the jacket of my first record, "Murder, Death, Kill" which is a line from Demolition Man. It's being produced by the Jungle Brothers and of course Rap$callion.
SCHEDULING ALERT
This week I only have to work 3.5 days thanks to Good Friday and my obligatory birthday half day. Don't worry though, this abnormal schedule will not effect this blog except that I'll probably be in a better mood which may or may not improve content. Will I crash and burn or make you puke laugh crud straight out your beak? Stay tuned and find out. And let me know what you want more of:
Personal dirt?
pictures?
Home made beats of the day?
This day in Livejournal history?
I think I might retire that last segment. Every time I try to do one I can't decide on a post to share because most of them are very embarrassing and I sound like an idiot, which is probably how I'll feel in five years reading these entries back. I'm out of here in a puff of sawdust...
April 6, 2009
April 3, 2009
WATER WINGS WATER WINGS WATER WINGS
Things I say a lot:
"whoa"
"dude"
"honestly"
"fuck"
"shit"
"yeah right"
If you're programming the robot me right now, that list up there should help you out big time. Same goes for if you're planning on stealing my identity or researching me for a play about me. The play should be called, "Steady As She Goes" and it should focus more on my days in high school because those are the days that shaped the man you see before you today.
I've often thought about trying to write a novel or a movie loosely based on my life, because that seems to be a popular way to write a story, but I'd feel kind of weird assuming that mine is a tale worth telling. In fact, I know it isn't. I guess most people who do this end up sensationalizing things, like Zach Braff's "Garden State". That seemed to be an idealized version of a specific time of his life. In this fantasy version he bangs Natalie Portman and resolves issues with his daddy. The whole love story in that movie is so infuriating because it's the dweeby fantasy that all regular dudes have - you want to meet a smoking babe who's a nerd and who no else seems to find attractive, like that guy from Pretty In Pink. Duckie. I hate that character real bad.
I think I might have talked about that stuff up there before, but you need to be reminded. I have detailed instructions from your mother. Your mom also told me to remind you:
1) Don't share needles no matter how bad the economy gets.
2) Come home more, the cat misses you
3) You were raised with good morals, but you pissed them all away when you started dancin' for money
4) Play catch with your mama every so often! Dad hates that shit.
Let's do some news jokes. This news is from yesterday because I'm writing this yesterday. My joke will be bolded, while the news will be in the popular "Courier" font:
"Ottawa complains to Afghan ambassador over rape law"
Canadian officials called in Afghanistan's ambassador to express "deep concern" with a law that would make it illegal for Shiite women to refuse to have sex with their husbands.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus!
Seriously though, that law sounds like it was drafted in 200 B.C. Even if the law is passed, what kind of a dick hole would call the cops because his wife is tired and doesn't want to do it? Here's how that call would go:
"Police here, what's your emergency"
"I just got home from work and I wanted to have sex with my wife and she said 'no' so I guess you guys should arrest her."
"Hold on two seconds, I've got another call. Police here, what's your emergency?"
"Suicide bomb at the grocery store! Send help!"
"First I have to go arrest a woman for not doing it, so hold tight. Hello?"
"Yeah Dave here"
"Feel free to restrain you wife and we'll be there ASAP."
"What if she changes her mind while you're on your way?"
"Where do you live?"
"Sand Street."
"My brother lives there, so if she ends up doing you I can just swing by there and say hi."
"Cool."
That was silly. I didn't expect to elaborate so much on that first news bit, but it kind of infuriated me. I'll do another one that's more light hearted.
One of the memorable moments at any summit of government leaders comes when they all get together for a group photo, but Prime Minister Stephen Harper was nowhere to be seen for today's shoot.
Harper's team responded by saying, "He actually was there, but as you well know, a vampire's image cannot be captured on film."
WHAM!!!!!
"whoa"
"dude"
"honestly"
"fuck"
"shit"
"yeah right"
If you're programming the robot me right now, that list up there should help you out big time. Same goes for if you're planning on stealing my identity or researching me for a play about me. The play should be called, "Steady As She Goes" and it should focus more on my days in high school because those are the days that shaped the man you see before you today.
I've often thought about trying to write a novel or a movie loosely based on my life, because that seems to be a popular way to write a story, but I'd feel kind of weird assuming that mine is a tale worth telling. In fact, I know it isn't. I guess most people who do this end up sensationalizing things, like Zach Braff's "Garden State". That seemed to be an idealized version of a specific time of his life. In this fantasy version he bangs Natalie Portman and resolves issues with his daddy. The whole love story in that movie is so infuriating because it's the dweeby fantasy that all regular dudes have - you want to meet a smoking babe who's a nerd and who no else seems to find attractive, like that guy from Pretty In Pink. Duckie. I hate that character real bad.
I think I might have talked about that stuff up there before, but you need to be reminded. I have detailed instructions from your mother. Your mom also told me to remind you:
1) Don't share needles no matter how bad the economy gets.
2) Come home more, the cat misses you
3) You were raised with good morals, but you pissed them all away when you started dancin' for money
4) Play catch with your mama every so often! Dad hates that shit.
Let's do some news jokes. This news is from yesterday because I'm writing this yesterday. My joke will be bolded, while the news will be in the popular "Courier" font:
"Ottawa complains to Afghan ambassador over rape law"
Canadian officials called in Afghanistan's ambassador to express "deep concern" with a law that would make it illegal for Shiite women to refuse to have sex with their husbands.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus!
Seriously though, that law sounds like it was drafted in 200 B.C. Even if the law is passed, what kind of a dick hole would call the cops because his wife is tired and doesn't want to do it? Here's how that call would go:
"Police here, what's your emergency"
"I just got home from work and I wanted to have sex with my wife and she said 'no' so I guess you guys should arrest her."
"Hold on two seconds, I've got another call. Police here, what's your emergency?"
"Suicide bomb at the grocery store! Send help!"
"First I have to go arrest a woman for not doing it, so hold tight. Hello?"
"Yeah Dave here"
"Feel free to restrain you wife and we'll be there ASAP."
"What if she changes her mind while you're on your way?"
"Where do you live?"
"Sand Street."
"My brother lives there, so if she ends up doing you I can just swing by there and say hi."
"Cool."
That was silly. I didn't expect to elaborate so much on that first news bit, but it kind of infuriated me. I'll do another one that's more light hearted.
One of the memorable moments at any summit of government leaders comes when they all get together for a group photo, but Prime Minister Stephen Harper was nowhere to be seen for today's shoot.
Harper's team responded by saying, "He actually was there, but as you well know, a vampire's image cannot be captured on film."
WHAM!!!!!
April 2, 2009
POST 200
If can read, you'll have read the title up there and realized that this is post number 200 out of 200, a milestone worthy of a picture of Dr. Seuss:
He kind of looks like Max Headroom in that picture. Max Headroom was played by Matt Frewer, right? He's one of my most hated actors along with Matthew Lillard. They're cut from the same shitty piece of cloth that gets made into the most annoying shirt of all time. Something like that shirt that says "The Man (up arrow) The Legend (down arrow)" or one of those shirts that say how Italian people are the best. Then again, Italian people have all the right in the world to brag because they dominate many things - food, wine, soccer, fashion, sports cars, architecture, religion, and dumb haircuts.
Was anyone expecting an off-the-wall April Fool's spectacular yesterday? Had I remembered it were April 1st I would've procured one, but since I didn't, I didn't. Besides, around here every day is April Fool's Day combined with Christmas with a pinch of Halloween for flavour and if you don't like it you can climb on top of a van and rot there like a grape that gets turned into a raisin. But raisins are still good to eat even though they're a dead grape, so raisins are the zombies of the food world along with other dried fruits such as apricots and banana chips, the most boring "chip" around. They have the texture of petrified wood and the taste of old bananas. No thanks mom!
My mom used to go to bulk food stores all the time, the ones that smelled like rotten pears and had all these weird things like a case of that fruit that's covered in syrup that tastes like shit and is in Neapolitan ice cream. There was one store that had this peanut butter making machine and we always begged my mom to use it and once she finally caved, but the peanut butter had no sugar and spice in it so it just tasted like mushy peanuts.
Here are what some people had to say about this historic 200th post:
"Listen, I could sit here all day and gab about muscle cars, but I keep that stuff private and so should you."
- George Lucas, director
"My and my sister used to play this game called "Gum Bums" where we'd stick gum to each other's asses and then have our cat eat it off. Great blog."
- Mark Knopfler, musician
"You win some, you lose some. But when you tie, the whole world smiles. When you don't play at all, that's just a safe bet."
- Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager
The next 100 posts will focus more on the construction industry and how recent infrastructure spending has boosted the industry DESPITE the economic downturn. Keep things fresh and don't get sticky!
He kind of looks like Max Headroom in that picture. Max Headroom was played by Matt Frewer, right? He's one of my most hated actors along with Matthew Lillard. They're cut from the same shitty piece of cloth that gets made into the most annoying shirt of all time. Something like that shirt that says "The Man (up arrow) The Legend (down arrow)" or one of those shirts that say how Italian people are the best. Then again, Italian people have all the right in the world to brag because they dominate many things - food, wine, soccer, fashion, sports cars, architecture, religion, and dumb haircuts.
Was anyone expecting an off-the-wall April Fool's spectacular yesterday? Had I remembered it were April 1st I would've procured one, but since I didn't, I didn't. Besides, around here every day is April Fool's Day combined with Christmas with a pinch of Halloween for flavour and if you don't like it you can climb on top of a van and rot there like a grape that gets turned into a raisin. But raisins are still good to eat even though they're a dead grape, so raisins are the zombies of the food world along with other dried fruits such as apricots and banana chips, the most boring "chip" around. They have the texture of petrified wood and the taste of old bananas. No thanks mom!
My mom used to go to bulk food stores all the time, the ones that smelled like rotten pears and had all these weird things like a case of that fruit that's covered in syrup that tastes like shit and is in Neapolitan ice cream. There was one store that had this peanut butter making machine and we always begged my mom to use it and once she finally caved, but the peanut butter had no sugar and spice in it so it just tasted like mushy peanuts.
Here are what some people had to say about this historic 200th post:
"Listen, I could sit here all day and gab about muscle cars, but I keep that stuff private and so should you."
- George Lucas, director
"My and my sister used to play this game called "Gum Bums" where we'd stick gum to each other's asses and then have our cat eat it off. Great blog."
- Mark Knopfler, musician
"You win some, you lose some. But when you tie, the whole world smiles. When you don't play at all, that's just a safe bet."
- Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager
The next 100 posts will focus more on the construction industry and how recent infrastructure spending has boosted the industry DESPITE the economic downturn. Keep things fresh and don't get sticky!
April 1, 2009
AN OLD MOVIE REVIEW AND A LITTLE GAME AT THE BOTTOM FOR A RAINY APEY FOOL DAY
I watched Mike Myers' much shat on 2008 comedy, "The Love Guru" the other night. I'll shit on it as well, but I did laugh a few times and the middle of the movie wasn't too bad. Here are the things that ruined that movie:
1) The beginning was diarrhea inducing and featured some of the worst jokes and pacing you've ever seen in a film.
2) The cast was the worst assembled since Mr. Fredericks decided to cast Jane Chen instead of Patty Bruster as Pig Number Three in Trudeau Elementary School's third grade production of "The Three Little Pigs":
Keep smilin' Jane you no talent pile of garbage! The third pig is supposed to emote cockiness and drive, not giddiness and vulnerability. Oh, and have your mom stop making peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch, your breath smells like the bathroom of a circus.
The Love Guru features Jessica "I'm all tits, ass and face" Alba, Jessica "I'm all tits, ass and face" Simpson and Vern Troyer whom Mike Myers assumed could act for some reason. Some of the other actors do a good job especially Jim Gaffigan, but the script couldn't even make Stephen Colbert funny, except in one part when he talks nonsense for a minute of two.
3) The character of "The Love Guru" was unlikable, confusing and overly stupid. When you'd rather a film's protagonist die rather than live, you know it's headed in the wrong direction.
4) I heard that there were a lot of dick jokes in this movie and the rumours are true. Remember the dick jokes in other Mike Myers movies like that one in Austin Powers 2 when they see that flying dick ship and they all almost say 'dick' but they never do? So funny, but the ones in The Love Guru seemed as if it was written by bad kids in a drama class who smoke and who waited until the last minute to write a play and it was as bad as the teacher and the rest of the kids expected. Then the teacher has a chat with the guys about how he expected more and it really hits home with one of them who reforms his ways and becomes a city planner.
Overall I think Myers was on the right track, but he didn't have anyone around him to tell him his ideas were dumb because he's so mega rich, famous and successful. I assume he was trying to make a more adult comedy but didn't know when to stop with all the references to dicks and sex with dicks. I think he'll make another good movie at some point because there are some rare glimmers of the old Mike Myers we know in love sprinkled sparingly throughout the film.
That review was very untimely. In order for blogs to be popular they have to stay current and packed to the brim with zeitgeist and words like 'zeitgeist'. But I don't have anything current to talk about. I'd prefer to live in the not too distant past and the distant future as you well know. But just in case, here's a picture of an iphone with something futuristic plugged in:
Now take a deep breath and try out this new game I thought of today: When you're walking down the street with your dog/aunt/friend, pick a tall building in the distance, pretend you're Spiderman and map out the route you would take via web slinging. You'll realize that Spiderman can really only operate effectively in NYC and in any other city he'd probably have to use a lot of lamp posts. Trust guy, check it out.
1) The beginning was diarrhea inducing and featured some of the worst jokes and pacing you've ever seen in a film.
2) The cast was the worst assembled since Mr. Fredericks decided to cast Jane Chen instead of Patty Bruster as Pig Number Three in Trudeau Elementary School's third grade production of "The Three Little Pigs":
Keep smilin' Jane you no talent pile of garbage! The third pig is supposed to emote cockiness and drive, not giddiness and vulnerability. Oh, and have your mom stop making peanut butter and banana sandwiches for lunch, your breath smells like the bathroom of a circus.
The Love Guru features Jessica "I'm all tits, ass and face" Alba, Jessica "I'm all tits, ass and face" Simpson and Vern Troyer whom Mike Myers assumed could act for some reason. Some of the other actors do a good job especially Jim Gaffigan, but the script couldn't even make Stephen Colbert funny, except in one part when he talks nonsense for a minute of two.
3) The character of "The Love Guru" was unlikable, confusing and overly stupid. When you'd rather a film's protagonist die rather than live, you know it's headed in the wrong direction.
4) I heard that there were a lot of dick jokes in this movie and the rumours are true. Remember the dick jokes in other Mike Myers movies like that one in Austin Powers 2 when they see that flying dick ship and they all almost say 'dick' but they never do? So funny, but the ones in The Love Guru seemed as if it was written by bad kids in a drama class who smoke and who waited until the last minute to write a play and it was as bad as the teacher and the rest of the kids expected. Then the teacher has a chat with the guys about how he expected more and it really hits home with one of them who reforms his ways and becomes a city planner.
Overall I think Myers was on the right track, but he didn't have anyone around him to tell him his ideas were dumb because he's so mega rich, famous and successful. I assume he was trying to make a more adult comedy but didn't know when to stop with all the references to dicks and sex with dicks. I think he'll make another good movie at some point because there are some rare glimmers of the old Mike Myers we know in love sprinkled sparingly throughout the film.
That review was very untimely. In order for blogs to be popular they have to stay current and packed to the brim with zeitgeist and words like 'zeitgeist'. But I don't have anything current to talk about. I'd prefer to live in the not too distant past and the distant future as you well know. But just in case, here's a picture of an iphone with something futuristic plugged in:
Now take a deep breath and try out this new game I thought of today: When you're walking down the street with your dog/aunt/friend, pick a tall building in the distance, pretend you're Spiderman and map out the route you would take via web slinging. You'll realize that Spiderman can really only operate effectively in NYC and in any other city he'd probably have to use a lot of lamp posts. Trust guy, check it out.
March 31, 2009
STEAKS ON A PLANE, STARRING HAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yesterday was Monday and usually I have a pretty decent rapport with the dreaded day, but lately they turn me into a guy who hates everything. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything and physically I usually feel like shit thanks to the liquor and spicy food I consume on weekends. So what can a man do to turn that frown into a fang bearing grin? I haven't figured it out yet, but here are some pending positives that should improve my mood:
1. My birthday - I used to really look forward to April 8 because as someone who grew up in a healthy household, a birthday is only rivaled by a Christmas and maybe a lottery win or a night with 4 babes and 3 pizzas. Everyone is nice to you, people give you things and at least for the first quarter of your life, you feel good because you equate being old with being better and you look forward to the muscles and hair you'll be getting soon. All those remain true, except for the last part because at some point you realize that being young is all amusement parks and hot dog days while being old is exercising, eating right and paying bills. I exaggerate of course, but still, all you people out there who are my age or older understand what I'm saying. You know, Tom Waits, I don't want grow up, that whole thing. In conclusion, I approach my birthday with cautious optimism.
2. Summer time - No duh. I've talked at length about the weather in the fair city of Toronto, and I don't really want to open the can again, but I'm pretty sure I'll be happier once I can retire my jacket for the season and show off my goods to all the summertime girls out there. My goods being my chicken legs and bean arms. They can look but they can't touch!
3. Finally getting around to opening that puzzle box I found in the old man's bookstore that wasn't there anymore when I went back the next day - This one could swing either way. On the one hand, the box could contain the gateway to another dimension where it rains strawberries and the currency is old fingernails, and no one has fingernails but me like if someone here could grow coins instead of fingernails, and instead of grass the ground is covered in stir fry. On the other hand, it could contain something far more evil....
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I was lying about number three, there isn't a puzzle box and there's no such thing as Bridge Mixture. Or is there......
MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
MA HA HA HA HA HA H AH A
MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
BOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF
I was in the laundromat this morning and the only other person in there was this troll man who was wearing a bathing suit. Once he was done his load, he changed into a sweatsuit in front of me and was on his way. To you Troll Man, I say please wait until you get home to change into your cleans. I'm not a judgemental person, but your lesion covered back was the "piss in my coffee" this morning and the vision didn't exactly help the digestion of the already indigestible sausage mcmuffin I had consumed just prior to your little display.
1. My birthday - I used to really look forward to April 8 because as someone who grew up in a healthy household, a birthday is only rivaled by a Christmas and maybe a lottery win or a night with 4 babes and 3 pizzas. Everyone is nice to you, people give you things and at least for the first quarter of your life, you feel good because you equate being old with being better and you look forward to the muscles and hair you'll be getting soon. All those remain true, except for the last part because at some point you realize that being young is all amusement parks and hot dog days while being old is exercising, eating right and paying bills. I exaggerate of course, but still, all you people out there who are my age or older understand what I'm saying. You know, Tom Waits, I don't want grow up, that whole thing. In conclusion, I approach my birthday with cautious optimism.
2. Summer time - No duh. I've talked at length about the weather in the fair city of Toronto, and I don't really want to open the can again, but I'm pretty sure I'll be happier once I can retire my jacket for the season and show off my goods to all the summertime girls out there. My goods being my chicken legs and bean arms. They can look but they can't touch!
3. Finally getting around to opening that puzzle box I found in the old man's bookstore that wasn't there anymore when I went back the next day - This one could swing either way. On the one hand, the box could contain the gateway to another dimension where it rains strawberries and the currency is old fingernails, and no one has fingernails but me like if someone here could grow coins instead of fingernails, and instead of grass the ground is covered in stir fry. On the other hand, it could contain something far more evil....
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I was lying about number three, there isn't a puzzle box and there's no such thing as Bridge Mixture. Or is there......
MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
MA HA HA HA HA HA H AH A
MA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
BOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF
I was in the laundromat this morning and the only other person in there was this troll man who was wearing a bathing suit. Once he was done his load, he changed into a sweatsuit in front of me and was on his way. To you Troll Man, I say please wait until you get home to change into your cleans. I'm not a judgemental person, but your lesion covered back was the "piss in my coffee" this morning and the vision didn't exactly help the digestion of the already indigestible sausage mcmuffin I had consumed just prior to your little display.
March 30, 2009
I'M ELABORATING ON THINGS I'VE ALREADY MENTIONED
If you read this blog a lot in your spare time or even in your important time with your family when your kid's yellin' in your ear for more donuts and you go "hell kid, I only got so much batter", you'll know that I spend a lot of time reporting about the future. This is because I find the idea of the future fascinating, but also because for the first time ever I feel like I live in the future. To realize this all you have to do is pretend you're from the early 1900's and you'll discover some interesting things. Here are some signs that we live in the future that I've meticulously been documenting in my time log for the last couple of weeks. Also in my time log are predictions for the next 34 Kentucky Derbies as well as an ongoing list of the best baby names that I can consult when I end up creating one and be like "no sweat, I got a list" and it'll be like pickin' peaches in Georgia, no problem mon.
SIGNS OF THE FUTURE
Television is already fairly futuristic and in the last few years we've taken further steps toward this by flattening our screens and sharpening our pictures. But if you really want to take in the future that is TODAY then just pay more attention to commercials. First, marvel at all the products out there that we don't need at all and only exist because we're in THE FUTURE. I recently read about some Hollywood beauties who are marketing this eyelash lengthening treatment called "Lattise". Back in the old days people were too busy worrying about fall harvest and the ever present threat of childbirth to even realize they had eyelashes in the first place. If they for some reason did want to lengthen them they'd have to use string, glue and a sturdy man, and not SCIENCE, which is a big part of the future.
Second, just listen to some of the ads on TV and then picture Marty McFly watching them in those movies and you'll say to me "oh yeah." There's this Gatorade commercial I saw that was like "Using science Gatorade fluid replacement energizes your body using electrolytes and carbohydrates giving you the strength of refreshment to compete at your best." It's like a super serum!! There's also this ad for a new kind of golf club that's also like a transformer:
Tell me that's not the future and then check this out:
This 16 year old Japanese girl just signed a pro contract and she throws a sidearm knuckle, proving that the Japanese are always at the forefront of the future and that baseball is real stupid if a 16 year girl can play no problem.
For those of you in Toronto, all you have to do to see the future is to look at the CN Tower at night. It looks like a space station. Again, to fully realize this you have to pretend you're from the past because you probably see that thing ever day and say "pshhhhhh look at that old bird."
And finally, the ultimate future tool, THE INTERNET, which gets more and more futuristic every day. I didn't retain a lot of the knowledge I learned in university, but this one teacher told that the telephone, which brought about a world revolution, has been around for over a century and it hasn't really changed all that much. You talk into it and someone else listens and then talks. The Internet on the other hand has been around for maybe 15 years (home use, not like 1979 Cal Tech Steve Jobs use) and it's changed and evolved a TON and people find new uses all the time.
There are probably a lot more signs of the future, but this blog isn't a novel and I don't have time to go through everything. I could've talked about Barack Obama because he's futuristic, but I think this brief mention in the conclusion will fully suffice. See you in the future (today)!
SIGNS OF THE FUTURE
Television is already fairly futuristic and in the last few years we've taken further steps toward this by flattening our screens and sharpening our pictures. But if you really want to take in the future that is TODAY then just pay more attention to commercials. First, marvel at all the products out there that we don't need at all and only exist because we're in THE FUTURE. I recently read about some Hollywood beauties who are marketing this eyelash lengthening treatment called "Lattise". Back in the old days people were too busy worrying about fall harvest and the ever present threat of childbirth to even realize they had eyelashes in the first place. If they for some reason did want to lengthen them they'd have to use string, glue and a sturdy man, and not SCIENCE, which is a big part of the future.
Second, just listen to some of the ads on TV and then picture Marty McFly watching them in those movies and you'll say to me "oh yeah." There's this Gatorade commercial I saw that was like "Using science Gatorade fluid replacement energizes your body using electrolytes and carbohydrates giving you the strength of refreshment to compete at your best." It's like a super serum!! There's also this ad for a new kind of golf club that's also like a transformer:
Tell me that's not the future and then check this out:
This 16 year old Japanese girl just signed a pro contract and she throws a sidearm knuckle, proving that the Japanese are always at the forefront of the future and that baseball is real stupid if a 16 year girl can play no problem.
For those of you in Toronto, all you have to do to see the future is to look at the CN Tower at night. It looks like a space station. Again, to fully realize this you have to pretend you're from the past because you probably see that thing ever day and say "pshhhhhh look at that old bird."
And finally, the ultimate future tool, THE INTERNET, which gets more and more futuristic every day. I didn't retain a lot of the knowledge I learned in university, but this one teacher told that the telephone, which brought about a world revolution, has been around for over a century and it hasn't really changed all that much. You talk into it and someone else listens and then talks. The Internet on the other hand has been around for maybe 15 years (home use, not like 1979 Cal Tech Steve Jobs use) and it's changed and evolved a TON and people find new uses all the time.
There are probably a lot more signs of the future, but this blog isn't a novel and I don't have time to go through everything. I could've talked about Barack Obama because he's futuristic, but I think this brief mention in the conclusion will fully suffice. See you in the future (today)!
March 29, 2009
SUNDAY FUNNIES
What did the Rhino say to the babe?? I'm horny.
Pictures of Earth Hour:
The most boring hour of the year
woooooow woooooowwwwwwwww boooooooooooo
Pictures of Earth Hour:
The most boring hour of the year
woooooow woooooowwwwwwwww boooooooooooo
March 27, 2009
STRAIGHT TALK FROM A SIDEWAYS DUDE
This is going to be a fun little Friday post, I promise. My hope is that you read this, draw your own conclusions, then discuss it further with your pals over the weekend while you bask in what will hopefully be sunny weather and you eat ribs and drink beers.
The best bedrooms in the world were the ones that teenage boys occupied in films from the 1980's. Characteristics included:
- the coolest posters you ever saw (babes, bands etc.)
- enough room to fit a lot of furniture
- a big tv or several tvs
- computers (which at the time were rare. It'd be like if today a teen had a robot who can do anything)
- several secret hiding spots
- some sort of ingenious mechanism that no kid could ever have conceived
Sound familiar?? The ultimate example that most people know would be Ferris Bueller's room, that came complete with a computer, a synthesizer, and an intricate system designed to make people think he was there rather than out in Chicago being a dickhead to his best friend. I hate Ferris Bueller. I like the movie, but I hate him.
Other examples include Fred Savage in "Little Monsters", Matthew Broderick again in "War Games", those dweebs Gary and Wyatt from "Weird Science", and maybe that guy Mike Damone from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" although I don't think he had a computer so it doesn't really count. Can you think of any more???
A more recent example, continuing the long tradition, would be Shia LaBoeuf's room in "Disturbia". It's the size of a small bungalow and has everything that a kid could ever want, including several skateboards, loads of stereo equipment, a video camera, cool posters and a window that looks directly into the bedroom, and onto the swimming pool of the hottest babe in town. So he's rich right? NO. He lives with his single mother. Maybe she was rich, I don't know, I didn't really pay attention, that movie stinks nuts.
As a boy growing up, seeing these cool rooms was frustrating because I never had the money or technical know how to emulate what I saw. I had a cool ninja poster but that was about it. I found a picture of it!
I wonder who that guy is and what he's doing today. I bet he has like 20 cardboard boxes of these posters in his garage and when a new kid moves into the neighbourhood, the other kids tell him to go steal one and he goes and tries, but the ninja model always catches the new kid in the act, but is soooo nice to them and gives them the poster no problem and makes them green tea and serves moon cakes and sends them on their way with a cool riddle to ponder that will teach them about life.
If I grew up to be that guy I'd be satisfied. But I wouldn't have a box full of posters. I don't know what I'd have. Being the neighbourhood cool dude is very important and is something we all should strive for. Responsibilities include, working on your motorcycle or boat in the driveway, having a dirty old fridge full of beers in the garage, throwing the best BBQs where everyone is invited and continually having hot babes over. And you you have to be nice to kids like I said up there.
Now go forth and do what it is you do today after you read this and when you're in a public bathroom next time, make strange noises, so that whoever is in there with you will have a story to tell his/her friends. I'm gone in a cloud of smoke!
The best bedrooms in the world were the ones that teenage boys occupied in films from the 1980's. Characteristics included:
- the coolest posters you ever saw (babes, bands etc.)
- enough room to fit a lot of furniture
- a big tv or several tvs
- computers (which at the time were rare. It'd be like if today a teen had a robot who can do anything)
- several secret hiding spots
- some sort of ingenious mechanism that no kid could ever have conceived
Sound familiar?? The ultimate example that most people know would be Ferris Bueller's room, that came complete with a computer, a synthesizer, and an intricate system designed to make people think he was there rather than out in Chicago being a dickhead to his best friend. I hate Ferris Bueller. I like the movie, but I hate him.
Other examples include Fred Savage in "Little Monsters", Matthew Broderick again in "War Games", those dweebs Gary and Wyatt from "Weird Science", and maybe that guy Mike Damone from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" although I don't think he had a computer so it doesn't really count. Can you think of any more???
A more recent example, continuing the long tradition, would be Shia LaBoeuf's room in "Disturbia". It's the size of a small bungalow and has everything that a kid could ever want, including several skateboards, loads of stereo equipment, a video camera, cool posters and a window that looks directly into the bedroom, and onto the swimming pool of the hottest babe in town. So he's rich right? NO. He lives with his single mother. Maybe she was rich, I don't know, I didn't really pay attention, that movie stinks nuts.
As a boy growing up, seeing these cool rooms was frustrating because I never had the money or technical know how to emulate what I saw. I had a cool ninja poster but that was about it. I found a picture of it!
I wonder who that guy is and what he's doing today. I bet he has like 20 cardboard boxes of these posters in his garage and when a new kid moves into the neighbourhood, the other kids tell him to go steal one and he goes and tries, but the ninja model always catches the new kid in the act, but is soooo nice to them and gives them the poster no problem and makes them green tea and serves moon cakes and sends them on their way with a cool riddle to ponder that will teach them about life.
If I grew up to be that guy I'd be satisfied. But I wouldn't have a box full of posters. I don't know what I'd have. Being the neighbourhood cool dude is very important and is something we all should strive for. Responsibilities include, working on your motorcycle or boat in the driveway, having a dirty old fridge full of beers in the garage, throwing the best BBQs where everyone is invited and continually having hot babes over. And you you have to be nice to kids like I said up there.
Now go forth and do what it is you do today after you read this and when you're in a public bathroom next time, make strange noises, so that whoever is in there with you will have a story to tell his/her friends. I'm gone in a cloud of smoke!
March 26, 2009
I'M AT WIT'S END WITH MY PALS AND A COUPLA ORANGE CRUSH POPPIES
There has to be something wrong with my hands. They're always cold. No matter what. I'm tempted to start wearing gloves indoors just like this weirdo named Gordon who I worked with as a teen. And I can't stop touching this beard. I'm a cold handed beard toucher. That's all I am. This is what it has come down to. A doctor would tell me to shave my beard and eat more soup probably.
Speaking of soup, I think one of my dream jobs would be a friendly soup man. Like I have this tiny, shitty restaurant like Ghandi on Queen, but I'd have the best soups that I make myself and I have all these regulars and I know their orders off by heart. I'd carry a really wide assortment of exotic beverages like Irn Bru and South American fruit juices and sodas like the one the Hulk makes in that Hulk movie last summer. If I can't assemble soup recipes I'd like to do the same thing but with sandwiches instead and all the bread would be made by my mom who makes bread like Hollywood couples make twins. My mom's main talents are bread and bagpipes. If you ever need a bagpiper you know where to find one. My dad started woodworking again. His other hobbies over the years have included stained glass, making pickles and collecting remote controlled tanks. If you have any questions regarding the above hobbies, you'll probably find all the information you need on the Internet, but if not then give me a call and you can request an audience with the patriarch of our clan.
I wish I had a 100% passion for being a soup and sandwich man because then I could concentrate all my money and time into it. I think I'm waiting for something to happen, rather than being proactive and making something happen for myself. It's probably because work sucks my soul out of my face, so when I get home all I want to do is eat and watch movies like a college girl. One of these days I'll get around to writing more scripts with hopes of selling one and then living on the beach the rest of my life. That's probably dream #1. That or win the lottery. Do you even know how happy I'd be if I won the lottery????
Realistically, I'd first scream and dance around like crazy. Second, I'd call my family and third I'd probably go treat myself to 5 steaks or something like that. I'd quit my job and book a vacation. That's the plan! Oh yeah, I'd also throw a party for all my friends with the biggest buffet you've ever seen featuring foods of the world.
I don't like this entry very much I don't think, but you might have liked it. You've learned a little more about me and my immediate family and you know know a bit more about my hopes and dreams. This was more of a information session for the die hard fans out there if such people exist. There's coffee and pastries in the corner and your name tag and session schedule can be found under your seat. Our host for the evening is Professor Gregor Chocolate of the University of Salt Lake City who will be guiding is through the ins and outs of What I Did and How I Am. A Q&A with myself will follow along with a free treat courtesy of Nestle Canada. The treat is Smarties. How have Smarties and regular M&M's remained popular for so long??? I predict extinction by 2025, which isn't that far away!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH
That first thing should've read "STOP CLIMATE CHANGE OR YOU TURN INTO A FISH MAN. WAIT...THEN WE COULD BREATH UNDER WATER. SO SICK. PUT YOUR TRASH ALL OVER AND DRIVE MORE CARS"
Speaking of soup, I think one of my dream jobs would be a friendly soup man. Like I have this tiny, shitty restaurant like Ghandi on Queen, but I'd have the best soups that I make myself and I have all these regulars and I know their orders off by heart. I'd carry a really wide assortment of exotic beverages like Irn Bru and South American fruit juices and sodas like the one the Hulk makes in that Hulk movie last summer. If I can't assemble soup recipes I'd like to do the same thing but with sandwiches instead and all the bread would be made by my mom who makes bread like Hollywood couples make twins. My mom's main talents are bread and bagpipes. If you ever need a bagpiper you know where to find one. My dad started woodworking again. His other hobbies over the years have included stained glass, making pickles and collecting remote controlled tanks. If you have any questions regarding the above hobbies, you'll probably find all the information you need on the Internet, but if not then give me a call and you can request an audience with the patriarch of our clan.
I wish I had a 100% passion for being a soup and sandwich man because then I could concentrate all my money and time into it. I think I'm waiting for something to happen, rather than being proactive and making something happen for myself. It's probably because work sucks my soul out of my face, so when I get home all I want to do is eat and watch movies like a college girl. One of these days I'll get around to writing more scripts with hopes of selling one and then living on the beach the rest of my life. That's probably dream #1. That or win the lottery. Do you even know how happy I'd be if I won the lottery????
Realistically, I'd first scream and dance around like crazy. Second, I'd call my family and third I'd probably go treat myself to 5 steaks or something like that. I'd quit my job and book a vacation. That's the plan! Oh yeah, I'd also throw a party for all my friends with the biggest buffet you've ever seen featuring foods of the world.
I don't like this entry very much I don't think, but you might have liked it. You've learned a little more about me and my immediate family and you know know a bit more about my hopes and dreams. This was more of a information session for the die hard fans out there if such people exist. There's coffee and pastries in the corner and your name tag and session schedule can be found under your seat. Our host for the evening is Professor Gregor Chocolate of the University of Salt Lake City who will be guiding is through the ins and outs of What I Did and How I Am. A Q&A with myself will follow along with a free treat courtesy of Nestle Canada. The treat is Smarties. How have Smarties and regular M&M's remained popular for so long??? I predict extinction by 2025, which isn't that far away!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH
That first thing should've read "STOP CLIMATE CHANGE OR YOU TURN INTO A FISH MAN. WAIT...THEN WE COULD BREATH UNDER WATER. SO SICK. PUT YOUR TRASH ALL OVER AND DRIVE MORE CARS"
March 25, 2009
I GOT THE HIPPY SHAKES AT THE GYM TODAY. GOOD SET.
How come lotteries haven't embraced the Internet yet?? If I could buy lotto tickets online I'd probably buy them all the damn time, which isn't really a good thing for me unless I win, but it is a good thing for the lottery people and the Internet people. No sympathy for those guys though. They both provide services that the people of Earth by no means need to live. Maybe the lottery isn't on the Internet because they don't get along with each other. The Internet is like, "we may be a non-essential service, but we're getting there and we may be over priced, but at least people get something in return no matter what unlike you."
Then the lottery people respond by saying:
"We don't need you! And people get something out of the lottery no matter what - the exhilaration of playing and anticipating a win. Have you seen those Bingo commercials? Grab some tea, find a quiet nook and play away. It's about the experience. We're never doing business with you. People love filling out lotto slips at their local convenience mart and our market research proves it!"
"And how did you conduct this market research??" asks the Internet.
"Well, we started by emailing random citizens a web based sur..... Dammit!" responds the lottery.
"You will always be our slave."
Or maybe it's that the guy in charge of the lottery is really old and still uses typewriters and pneumatic tubes instead of email.
"Computers? Never use 'em. I've also never used a microwave, a blender, or an auto with an internal combustion engine."
"How old are you sir?"
"Two hundred."
"How do you survive?"
"I don't know, ask my manufacturer."
"You're a droid?"
"No I meant my mom, she's real old. Get out of my bunker!"
I guess if he were that old and refused to drive a car he would also refuse to use a typewriter and pneumatic tubes. Factual inconsistency. Too bad there's not a guy who drives around on horse and carriage and refuses to use technology but is really rich so people treat him with respect. In my perfect world there would be four of those guys called "The Gentleman" who each run a city and they throw a ticker tape parade every Sunday to make people realize that the Internet and TV is no big deal and that parades have all the entertainment value of every DVD combined. They'd be the most fabulous parades the world has ever seen:
- Enough stadium seating for everyone so no one has a bad seat
- wild animals doing tricks
- free food all over, old style (popcorn, peanuts, cracker jacks, hot nuts, candy apples, candy floss, fried pickles, you name it)
- several marching bands
- the best clowns in the world, but not Cirque de Soleil clowns, the good old fashioned kind who teeter on the edge of being really funny and really scary
- the best magicians who make all sorts of things disappear. In fact, that's all they do. And pull things out of hats and stuff
- Floats the size of skyscrapers
And at the end, the "Gentleman" that runs the city flies in on a bi-plane and throws money to everyone and then there's a free concert by a modern band because "The Gentlemen" relate to current music trends. World peace achieved.
FLAVOURS PEOPLE LIKE THAT I DON'T REALLY LIKE
Then the lottery people respond by saying:
"We don't need you! And people get something out of the lottery no matter what - the exhilaration of playing and anticipating a win. Have you seen those Bingo commercials? Grab some tea, find a quiet nook and play away. It's about the experience. We're never doing business with you. People love filling out lotto slips at their local convenience mart and our market research proves it!"
"And how did you conduct this market research??" asks the Internet.
"Well, we started by emailing random citizens a web based sur..... Dammit!" responds the lottery.
"You will always be our slave."
Or maybe it's that the guy in charge of the lottery is really old and still uses typewriters and pneumatic tubes instead of email.
"Computers? Never use 'em. I've also never used a microwave, a blender, or an auto with an internal combustion engine."
"How old are you sir?"
"Two hundred."
"How do you survive?"
"I don't know, ask my manufacturer."
"You're a droid?"
"No I meant my mom, she's real old. Get out of my bunker!"
I guess if he were that old and refused to drive a car he would also refuse to use a typewriter and pneumatic tubes. Factual inconsistency. Too bad there's not a guy who drives around on horse and carriage and refuses to use technology but is really rich so people treat him with respect. In my perfect world there would be four of those guys called "The Gentleman" who each run a city and they throw a ticker tape parade every Sunday to make people realize that the Internet and TV is no big deal and that parades have all the entertainment value of every DVD combined. They'd be the most fabulous parades the world has ever seen:
- Enough stadium seating for everyone so no one has a bad seat
- wild animals doing tricks
- free food all over, old style (popcorn, peanuts, cracker jacks, hot nuts, candy apples, candy floss, fried pickles, you name it)
- several marching bands
- the best clowns in the world, but not Cirque de Soleil clowns, the good old fashioned kind who teeter on the edge of being really funny and really scary
- the best magicians who make all sorts of things disappear. In fact, that's all they do. And pull things out of hats and stuff
- Floats the size of skyscrapers
And at the end, the "Gentleman" that runs the city flies in on a bi-plane and throws money to everyone and then there's a free concert by a modern band because "The Gentlemen" relate to current music trends. World peace achieved.
FLAVOURS PEOPLE LIKE THAT I DON'T REALLY LIKE
- Apple Cinnamon - Tastes like grandma's doilies.
- Mint chocolate - If I'm going sweet, I'm going all the way. Mint just cools things down. It's a damn cop out. That being said, I do enjoy After Eights because I'm a mature adult.
- Vanilla - Nothing in life is as boring as vanilla ice cream.
- Black licorice - I guess most people don't like it, but I needed another one.
- Coconut - I like real coconut, but I hate that stuff in Bounty Bars. Dried coconut. I don't like dried coconut.
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