INFORMATION TO IMPRESS YOUR CRUSH WITH THIS WEEKEND SO YOU CAN DO THEM

I really hope I haven't discussed this before, but here is a piece about water travel, an issue close to my heart.

Why don't we boat more often? I remember in school once a teacher told us how Earth is a water planet and I was like "whaaaaaaatttttt!!! It totally is". Our whole planet is connected by a highway called water and we barely ever use it any more. If I owned a good boat I could go anywhere I wanted and all I'd need is supplies and equipment. Any moron can drive a boat. Driving a boat is easier than riding a bike and it's a lot more fun because there's barely anything you can run into. AND if you need food you just stick your head in and pull a delicious sea creature out. You can even eat most of them raw for Heaven's sake!

So what's stopping us from boating ALL the time?

1. Distance - Boats probably aren't fast enough to make it worth while and fuel is an issue as well. But if we've already invented robots and space ships, you'd think someone would be able to create some sort of ultra boat that runs off garbage and can go really fast in a stable manner. We're pretty much there. Check out this photo by Rolf Hicker of The Cat, which is a sick ferry:



But it can only travel at speeds in excess of 90 km/h, so we'll have to work on that.

2. The High Seas are a dangerous place - Again, super boat would solve this, but at the end of the day the sea can be a dangerous place, just ask Captain Ahab or those dudes from Deadliest Catch.

There's also the argument that the seas could present unknown dangers, like how scientists say that underwater is like space and that there's so much undiscovered stuff down there. I like to think of this is positive. Why go to space when we have underwater in our own backyards? Let's "Abyss" that shit and go exploring! Plus, what if we find Atlantis and they give us all this aqua technology while we give them dirt (per 'Waterworld', dirt is like gold to water people) and we get to have sex with all the mermaids and dashing mermen and they can come and have sex with us and try hot dogs and hamburgers and everyone's happy.

3. The seas are boring - Disagreed. You can play sports, go fishing, scuba dive and snorkel whenever. If you get sick of water, just go below deck and play some video games, no big deal.

There you go. More boats, more water exploring, more fun, mermaids. Pick the sea and you'll fill with glee.

THURSDAY COLUMN ORIGINALLY POSTED IN YESTERDAY'S ST. PAUL TRIBUNE

DUMB CELEBRITY MOMENT OF THE SEMESTER

I found this piece talking about Charlize Theron:

The South African-born star is furious that same-sex unions have not yet been legalised in her adopted country, insisting she will not marry long-term beau Stuart Townsend until the laws are changed.

I totally support her standing up for same-sex marriages, but I think refusing to marry her hunk boyfriend is the stupidest thing. It's funniest if you imagine her doing it in protest, as if the whole world is waiting anxiously for the big day.

"I really don't like to legalize same-sex marriage," said the law guy
"Need I remind you again? If we don't do this, Charlize Theron will NOT marry Stuart Townsend, the result of which would be catastrophic," said his assistant.
"Dammit you're right. Let's the gays be married. I'm tired of sleepless, tear filled nights thinking about how they're not married. We're doing this not just for us, but all creatures in the known universe."
"Then press the button."
"What button?"
"Isn't that how it works?"
"No man, it's a bit of a process."

It's really not much of a protest. No one cares whether or not they're married. Instead of threatening not to marry that guy, why not talk to politicians and rally some troops or something. I picture her telling Townsend about all this and he just rolls his eyes and she sees it and feels bad so she peels off her clothes and says the sexiest thing of all time and then boner and then love making and then he rolls his eyes again when he remembers what she said.

NEW FEATURE - MY THREE CENTS

Cent 1 - I'm getting kind of tired of Stephen Colbert trying to get things named after him. Now he has a space treadmill bearing his name. I think he should come out with a line of products instead. That would be funny. Like Colbert brand frozen concentrate. Something we can all enjoy, you know? What do I care about a treadmill I'll never use or even lay eyes on in real life?

Cent 2 - For fun on the Internet, try finding old Geocities pages like this one. Back then the Internet was like a dweeb and you found him fascinating but annoying and most of the stuff he said went over your head and he dressed weird. Now the Internet is more like Justin Timberlake but way smarter.

Cent 3 - This has been "MY THREE CENTS".

See how it's getting sunnier??? I did that! I went on a ouija board and talked to the sun spirits. They said "OK YEAPH, WE WILLT MATE IT SUNNY". You're welcome.

JUMP IN THE TRUCK AND PASS ME THAT BUCKET OF VELCRO

Yesterday's thoughts were a tad on the ho hum side, so today I'm going to whip the horse's ass way harder and with a whip covered in swords to bring you the fastest and most exciting thing ever. Don't be let down if what follows doesn't do that intro justice.

The last 24 hours have been a bit of a shit time for me. After work on the evening of the 13th I took the GO Train back to 'Ssaugy dogs because I had a dentist appointment in Oakville the next morning at 8 "not PM" AM. I don't start work until 12:30 so I rarely get up before 9:30, meaning the morning of the 14th was going to be a frustrating droopy eyed yawner. But dammit, I'll walk to the ends of the Earth for the health of my chompers.

While at my parents' that evening my dad and I did my taxes and much to my dismay I actually owed money this year because I forgot about the RRSP deadline and probably other factors that I don't know anything about. If there's two things that are foreign to me in this world, it's taxes and the nations of Southeast Asia. So you guys, I was obviously "cheesed" about this, but then I ate some roast beef and felt a bit better. Imagine people were commonly addicted to something other than cigarettes? Like instead of smoking people ate salami a lot and salami came in little packages? If salami was anymore addictive than it already is, then I'd be in trouble. I'd be a nibbler for sure. I'd be nibbling salami right now. If I were addicted to Snickers bars, would my work let me have breaks to go get them? What's the damn difference?

I tried to go to bed early and I thought this would work fine because the night before I tossed and turned like a boy with a boner in class, and had vivid, scary dreams about birthday parties in mansions and these cool mech submarine things that you could play with in the pool. But whenever I have to get up for something the next day I can never get to sleep. I don't know what it is, but generally speaking I'm not such a good sleep dude. I think I finally dozed off around 1:30 or 2:00 am and was awoken at 5:30 or 6:00 by my cat who has developed an almost human-like meow. My mom swears she's saying "MOOOMMY", although I thought it sounded more like she was saying "KAAIRY" which is my mom's name, duh.

Lucky for me, I've had my dentist since I was three and so whenever I go it's just like visiting relatives. No cavities!

Then I took the GO Train home and I'm so tired that you could probably screw a dart board to my chest and throw darts at me all day and I'd just give you a lazy middle finger.

BONUS FEATURES

Have you tried using a PC with Windows Vista? Holy hell. I was writing something with Word last night on my mom's computer and it took me five minutes just to find the "save" function. Why did they change it?

I think you should buy a new belt this evening to go with your new trousers.

PSSSSSSSSSTTT....

Hey man, come over here. I got something to show you. Put your bike down you idiot. You can't tell anyone I have this and if you do you're so dead. Ready? Check this out:



The old man will kill me if he knew I swiped this.



Director's Commentary

I just don't know why she's rollerblading in the desert, but I intend to find out.

PUT AWAY YOUR FLAG AND OPEN UP YOUR LOBSTER TRAP

Before you read on, please be warned that today's post contains a lot of self reflection. If that sounds boring to you, imagine that it's written by Jonathan Taylor Thomas and it'll probably be funnier.

I realized something about myself the other day while continuing to search for the answer to the question, "How did I become the man you see before you today?" The realization is that in my mind I haven't worked very hard. I think my mantra has always been, "do as little as you can to get by" and maybe it's time I started to change that. I'm not a total bag of lazy bones though:

- I write this thing five days a week, but I don't plan it out really and it probably could be a lot better.
- I do comedy shows sometimes and make videos, but not all that often and it's the sort of business where hard work is necessary to make something happen
- I pursue new career opportunities on the Internet which are usually dead ends. I should hit the pavement and call people more
- I started to try to get my writing career on track, but it's taken a year or something to finish a script for a half hour show

So I'm sort of half lazy. I do minimum amounts to satisfy myself and then move on.

Is this "deep shit"? I think this self psycho-analysis is helping to clarify my current position in life. It's strange because I'm really restless and antsy, but when I get like that I usually just end up wandering around the house, peering into the fridge and trying to find little, short, easy chores to complete instead of channeling it into something productive. The plants need watering? No problem! This box needs to be thrown 0ut? I can do that! I have to go the bathroom? Good time waster!

This is the kind of post that I'll look back on and think "oh yeah I remember that time, I was being weird" and I'll have trouble reading the whole thing because it's kind of embarrassing. Kind of like THIS:

ANOTHER JUMP THROUGH TIME INTO LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY

July 9, 2001:


I wish I could jump ahead in time to when I'm an adult and my life is set. Being a late teenager is some hard shit. I feel like I'm trapped right now between adulthood and childhood, and in reality I am because of university. I have no idea what my life will be like at the end of August or in a year for that matter. In a way it's intriguing and in a way it's scary. I think I need answers, I'm in a state of flux beyond compare, it's like I'm in the warp zone in Mario Brothers and I can't figure out what world to go to, though the smart choice would be to move on to the last level, beat the game and get a new one. Shit, maybe this is all a weird dream and I'll wake up one day and be a pirate or a sassy rastafarian who sits on the beach all day selling necklaces, without a care in the world.

The most embarrassing part is the last part. The strange thing is that my attitude hasn't changed much. I still feel trapped between childhood and adulthood and I always seem to be in a state of flux. Are you still with me here? This post hasn't contained as many silly things, but sometimes you need a side of serious with that glass of fart milk.

That's all. Tomorrow I'll post a report about my trip to the dentist and maybe I'll talk about swans. Who doesn't like swans???

DON'T FIGHT THAT GUY OVER THERE, CHECK IT, HE HAS CLAWS

Today may be Easter Monday, but for most people it's another day where you go to work and reflect on all the church you attended, or how much chocolate you ate, or even how many weasels you caught and roasted over a bed a pine needles. Families have different traditions you know. I'm not going anywhere with this and it isn't going to turn into a piece on Easter traditions. Instead, let's take a gaze into Zeldarf's crystal ball and see what I did this weekend:

On Friday night I threw a mixer at my house to celebrate my April 8th birthday. It was full of hearty fun and positive vibes seeping out of every pore of every man and woman in the environment. Here man, catch the vibe:

Per usual, I forgot to take pictures, but luckily Liv picked up the old daguerroetype at some point and started snapping...

..unfortunately for you, most pictures feature us with our shirts off again, which seems to be a recurring theme of most parties myself and my friends attend. I don't remember what we were doing here but I do know that it was very late and we had drank several drinks that altered our perception of common sense.

This one's good because people in background are looking kind of silly, then in the foreground you have Stein showing his muscles while Andy recites poetry while shirtless to babes.

On Saturday I saw that movie "Observe and Report". The tone of this movie was very muddy, much like my feelings toward it. I'll probably never buy it nor watch it again, although I said the same thing about "The Heartbreak Kid", one of the shittiest movies I ever saw, and here it is on my television screen. I also don't think Seth Rogen can carry a whole movie. He's like a piece of Voltron. On its own it's pretty cool and fun, but if you get all the pieces together it's sooooo much better. Get it? Like his few scenes with Aziz Ansari were pizzas and gravy, but his scenes without a funny man were kind of "ohhhhhhhhhhhhh".

Today I headed to Mississauga for an Easter egg hunt and spring jamboree in the botanical gardens. That's not true, but I did go to Mississauga. The fun was a lot more wholesome:
Here are some cousins being silly beans

And here's me using a windmill thing and just standing around with some whiskey.

Here are some insider Mississauga facts that you won't read on Wikipedia:

Mississauga is home to the world's most horribly named intersection: Marf Avenue and Revus Avenue.

"Where do you live?"
"Corner of Marf and Revus."
"Sounds gross."
"Yeah dude."

There's this "spring" right beside Mississauga road that people used to go get water from, not realizing that the water flowed from an old landfill. My dad claimed they were drinking garbage water. I think they were drinking garbage water.

Those are the only two I think of, get off my back.

WHO EATS PLAIN M&Ms ANYWAY??

Most of you dudes probably aren't at work today, and work is probably where you read this. You go to your desk, stare at your magic eye poster for a few minutes, water your cactus, tear off another day on your Far Side calendar, check to see if you have any granola bars left, talk to someone about the weather and then you read this and you get so damn excited that you have to go to the bathroom and cry and poo for a few hours.

Today you're going to wake up at 11:00, remember that you don't have to work, dance naked for three minutes, take a shower, watch Donnie Darko, play guitar, read this for two seconds, realize it's a waste of time, go play frisbee, get stung by a bee, go to the hospital, get leg amputated, go home and watch Donnie Darko again.

Based on these assumptions I'm going to tailor this entry to your unique lifestyle.

First you need a quick jolt like the shot of expresso you drink before you eat your Vector meal replacement breakfast crisp.



There.

Now you need an anecdote as the main course:

Once in 1997 I think, I got banned from Wal Mart for a year because my friend got caught stealing Star Wars cards and I was with him. To this day I still feel uncomfortable going in there.

Now a YouTube video for dessert:



Shake your damn tits to that song!

Now all the ladies say OHHHHHHHHHHHH



OHHHHHHHHHH

This Easter don't forget that the Easter Bunny and Jesus have nothing to do with one another, but share the same space, much like that guy Balky and that other guy Larry from TV show "Perfect Strangers". See you later! Stand tall!

PUT THE CIDER IN THE BOOT KIDS, WE'RE GOIN TO TEXAS

This year's birthday was at first melancholy because I don't like getting old and it was snowing. But after some soul searching, a half day at work, well wishes, some presents, and a dinner at the Keg Steakhouse and Bar, I concluded that I'm happy with myself at 27 and I don't have anything at all to complain about, except that my eye either has pinkeye or it's drier than Popeye's biscuits. I think it's just dry, don't freak out you guys, you can still shake my hand if you see me around.

April 8 is also the anniversary of my long term relationship, so raise a glass of delicious Tradewinds brand iced tea and toast to Liv and I for three years of coupling. Dare me to break up with her?

I'm going to go on a bit of a rant against models right now.

Does anyone else here dislike models and the modeling business? I recently read a quote from Tyrese Gibson I think, and he was whining about how actors are taking all these modeling jobs from models and how they shouldn't be doing it. I may have talked about this before, but seriously, who is going to feel bad for a model? There's is the only profession where looks is 100% everything. At least actors have to memorize lines. Models get paid absurd amounts of money to travel around and get worshipped for doing nothing and they contribute nothing to society except an unattainable idea of beauty. Then today I read this quote from Elle MacPhereson regarding the state of the economy and what she's doing to adjust:

"I've been consumer conscious for a while. I traded in my Range Rover for a Lexus and I either bike or take my Fiat Bambino on the school run. My only extravagance is art. It always has a place in my budget. All the artists I love, Lucian Freud, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Tracey Emin, I've invested in."

So not only are you still driving a luxury vehicle, but you have several other vehicles that you only use to go specific places AND you haven't stopped buying art. Bravo Elle.

The only attitude a model should have is pure unadulterated GRATEFULNESS, which I'm sure most models are. It's the Tyra's and Tyrese's of the world that make them seem so unbelievably smug.

There. That's all I'm going to say about that. FOR NOW MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

This weekend I'm having a bit of a birthday celebration and also an Easter feast in Mississauga. Other than that my schedule is open, so if you want to hang out contact my booking agent:

Davp Oldtruud
King King Management
1623 Blue Jays Way
Toronto ON

That's not a real guy, that's PURE comedy. Tomorrow I'll maybe talk about Easter briefly and rate the fashions at the high school prom. SEE YOUD

2009 BIRTHDAY SPECIAL

Welcome to the 2009 birthday special, hosted by me, Tino Monte.



Under your seat you'll find a complimentary bag of Planter's peanuts and a disposable rain poncho. What's that for? It's a surprise. Oh I'll just tell you. We're going to spray you with a lot of water later in a segment called "Niagara Follies".

TREAT 1 - TREASURES FROM THE VAULT

Atlantis. Egypt. DaVinci Code. Cooperstown Baseball Hall of Fame. These are places where treasures lie, and tonight we open the vault that lies in the innards of Glenn's computer where we find a wealth of emeralds, old armour and some other stuff like mp3s. Take it away!

Thanks Tino. Here are two promos for "The Polecats Radio Programme" which Andy and I hosted on McMaster's student radio. We got fired in third or fourth year because we didn't participate in their annual fundraising initiative. We never prepared for the show and mostly just played strange and funny songs that we'd find in the archives such as Guy LaFleur's hockey disco record. Once we played farting noises over and over again, introducing it as "Beethoven's Fifth Symphony".

The first promo is from Dustin Diamond from Saved by the Bell. Please note that we asked him to say, "I'm TV's Dustin Diamond, and you're listening..." but he changed it to plug SBTB and his dumb band that no one has heard of. But he did say our catchphrase at the time, "Rock n roll awesome". The second one is from Max Weinberg and the best part of this is that we got him to say "Rock n Roll Gary Roberts" at the end and he had no clue who Gary Roberts was or why he was saying it. That guy has a big head.

Go to folder - FileFactory.com

That was super! Isn't that great? I used to host a show called "Super Market Sweep" which can be seen every weekday on the Game Show network. It features me in bad ties and the ugliest bunch of contestants you ever saw. Our next segment is brought to you by Obus Forme back supports, the most expensive item in the grocery store.

Thanks Tino. If you've ever watched Super Market Sweep, that stuff up there is the funniest. If not you'll think I'm strange. Last night I scoured my LiveJournal for some good stuff. I found a funny story that I think you'll enjoy, although it probably falls into the category "You had to be there".

Background info - I was in this class called Qualitative and Quantitative research methods and the class was really easy and boring. I had this big Jamaican lady as a TA and I always went to tutorials because you got free grades if you went. This story happens during a tutorial:

March 30, 2003

Most Ridiculous tutorial ever: Jamaican T.A. wants people to bring in music to analyze qualitatively (?) Stupid dumb girl brings in her demo cd! First, she doesn't know how to open the CD player, turns volume knob expecting it to open. When she finally figures it out, the song is everything that is wrong with music today. If I could've written down the lyrics you all would laugh a lot..title of song "New Age Goddess" or something. It was a shitty pop song in the style of Britney Spears about being a new age goddess and one of the lyrics involved something like "All the haters .. blah blah" Thats ridiculous

Tttttthen the song is over and it's soooo quiet in the room and Jamaican TA goes: "It sounds like 4 year olds would like it" but she was serious and didn't mean to make fun of it. I held back my laughter during the song sooooooo badly . I had to keep my head down at my desk bceause any stimulus would have made me erupt.

Seriously man, this was one of those instances where I was like "my parents wasted their money sending me here".

And now a special message from former NFL great, Randall Cunningham:



Hi guys

You ever tried eating a meatball sub for breakfast? Don't do it. You ever ate 16 sour keys after you ate a meatball sub for breakfast? Do it. Don't forget - you play with drugs, you'll get sacked. You play with your family - touchdown! Have a family game night with Parker Bros. and drugs will never ever hurt you. Happy birthday Gil!

We payed him $10,000 dollars and that's all we got. That's it for my birthday special. I hope everyone had a good time and could stand me ripping on Tino Monte for the second time in this blog's history. To finish things off, here's Tino Monte!

Thanks to everyone for coming by tonight. What's big and a waterfall? Niagara. Here comes the water! Goodnight and God bless!

SOME SERIOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT MODERN ISSUES

How often do you have to do laundry for a baby?

At first I thought "not that often" because babies don't sweat, but they do spill stuff all over and throw up all the time. Pants I can understand washing a lot because babies don't know how to use their bladders, but shirts? I'm not convinced that you'd have to wash a baby's shirt all that often. Same with socks. Why would you ever need to wash a baby's socks? Their feet barely ever touch the ground. This kind of thinking led me to the idea of disposable baby clothes. I feel that if I ever spawn a child, I won't really care how it's dressed because it's a damn baby and fashion is the last thing on its mind. What I'd really like is a roll of shirts that I could just throw out once the baby inevitably vomits on it and a roll of socks that would last its entire baby life. If anyone out there has a baby, drop me a line and we'll develop these products further.

There was an article in the Star today about how first year university students are lazy and rely on Wikipedia for everything. I side with the students on this one. I remember in my last year of school, which was in 2005, Wikipedia was just starting to catch on and I remember discovering it while I was working on this big paper on that DJ John Peel and I thought it was the best thing ever because it had all the info I needed in one spot. If that thing had been around my whole university career I would've relied on it heavily because doing research in a stale old library is the most boring thing in the world next to waiting in line for something. And think about the kids in University today - they probably didn't grow up using the library the same way we did, so they've been conditioned to rely solely on the Internet for information. I blame the universities for not adapting to this new generation and with every new generation it's only going to get worse.

That was a straight up rant. I didn't put a twist on that at all. PURE UNFILTERED OPINION.

It's really fun riding my bike through the entertainment district on the weekend because you see dumb people doing dumb things. Last weekend I saw two fights on King St. and several women wearing highly impractical outfits meant to tantalize. It's also a great place to find out what isn't funny anymore. In my mind, if a group of drunk morons are reciting a line from something while hopping from club to club and finding it hilarious, then it's probably is over-saturated and shouldn't be repeated. I heard this one group singing the "I'm on a boat'' song and even though I think that song is funny, I will never again reference it because those guys think it's the best. The same thing happened to mullet jokes, Austin Powers impressions and Chapelle's Show. These are the same people who gave "Fast and Furious" the biggest April opening weekend of all time.

Don't wig out today, okay?