THANK GOODNESS FOR ALL OF THOSE YELLOW SCARVES

My sunburn is almost healed now and it's starting to peel, which is the best part. There's nothing more satisfying than peeling a big old sheet of skin off. Did you ever do that thing when you were a kid where you cover your hand in white glue, let it dry and then peel it off? If you like peeling then give it a try next time you have some glue handy. I guess glue isn't the kind of thing young adults keep around though. When you're a kid there's glue everywhere. Glue and construction paper. If I needed that stuff now I don't even think I'd know where to find it. When was the last time you used glue? When you get old you use staplers, paper clips and tape for any fastening needs, am I right? Staplers are the Skor bars of the fastening world - a more civilized choice.

My sunburn is also itchy. When I worked at a grocery store around the age of 15 or 16 I had this terrible sunburn and it itched so bad when I was at work that I needed quick relief or else I'd go crazy. So I went to the pharmacy area and decided on Gold Bond cream because Gold Bond is a trusted name in powders and creams and it said right on the package that it was good for sunburns. I put the cream on and it made me itchier so I've never, and will never, use that shit again. During one of my first ever hangovers I had to go to work at the grocery store and this manager asked me to go find a shopping cart that was on the lawn of the President of the Company's or something. I remember wandering around aimlessly looking for this thing and having to stop every few minutes to sit down and get my head straight or else I'd barf. I finally found the damn thing and had to wheel it up this giant hill. When I got back I said I was sick and went home. I remember my sister tried to convince my parents that I was hungover, which I flatly denied. Well played Laura, but you you'll never destroy me.

I think I've finally finished that Office spec script I've been working on forever and it feels like a nice warm dip in a pool with the BBQ going right beside it being worked by a a grill master. I bought this book called "The War on Art" and it's all about procrastination and stuff and I'm not big on self-help or anything, but it really helped myself. Chances are that in a couple of weeks I'll lose much of the momentum this book has given me, but maybe that will be the test as to whether I can actually sustain being a writer in the professional sense.

This entry was kind of boring. Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with stuff to tell you, but be assured this is probably as bad as it'll get. If it got worse, I'd erase everything and instead post pictures of funny toads or some more choose your own adventure stories. Maybe this wasn't that bad, but I think the part in the middle about the grocery store adventures wasn't all that exciting. Luckily, thanks to the aforementioned book I read, it doesn't matter what you write as long as you write. I guess that doesn't help you, the reader, but don't worry I always try to make this as good as possible even if I got NOTHING.

FOR SHINIER HAIR, JUST LET IT GET ALL GREASY

The big time thing that people are talking about right now is Swine Flu and because this blog is all about what's hip and what's now, I thought I'd discuss.

I hope I don't get Swine Flu, but only because it'd be kind of embarrassing. As far as I can tell, it's basically just like normal flu but spreads quicker and has a gross name. I went to this camp up north in grade 7 and got a parasite, which wasn't too bad. I just threw up every so often and my stomach felt weird. The worst part, besides the collection of stool samples, was that the parasite was commonly known as "Beaver Fever", prompting the kids in the school yard to poke a little fun. It also didn't help that some other guy in my class got it too, which led certain wise guys to the conclusion that we were both gay and that the parasite was transmitted sexually during our stay at the camp.

If Swine Flu were called "The Jade Virus" or "Mayan Blue Fever" or something, I don't think I'd mind getting it because it'd make me seem kind of cool. If I met someone with Swine Flu my mind would immediately produce a picture of them rolling around with pigs and eating mud, which is of course ridiculous unless the person I met was from Winnipeg. OHHHHHHHH!!!

This post is too similar to yesterday's about instruments and how their names effect how cool they are. For that I apologize, but as the excellent fantasy adventure story "The Name of the Wind" taught me, names are important. Go read that book guy.

Because I just read "The Stand" which is about a virus that kills most of Earth, the Swine Flu got me kind of scared that I'd be one of the people who dies and not one of the immune survivors who also gain telepathic abilities and take on an old lady as their new God. I felt this way until I read that it's just like regular flu. But we must be vigilant in making sure it doesn't spread too much because babies and the elderly are as good at fighting illness as they are at playing sports or just fighting things in general. Here are some Swine Flu tips I got from some guy handing out pamphlets in the bathroom at work. I didn't recognize him, but he had a nice beard and he greeted everyone by saying "hey cool cat" so I trusted him regardless.

1) Eating pork won't give you Swine Flu unless that pork is covered in Swine Flu. Same goes for beef, chicken, carrots, ice cream and Post Sugar Crisp cereal that's been dipped in Swine Flu - it'll give you Swine Flu.

2) If you think you have Swine Flu, go outside and tell everyone face to face so they know. Give the lads a hardy handshake and the lasses a peck on the cheek so they know you're not joking around.

3) If you know someone with Swine Flu, ensure their dwelling is sufficiently surrounded with garlic bulbs and pine boughs, which will keep raccoons and badgers off their property so they can get the rest they need to get better.

4) In case of a pandemic, don't bother stockpiling food or anything, because if the shit really hits the fan we're all going to need to become farmers and hunters so we might as well start practicing. It also wouldn't hurt to renew acquaintances with the toughest dudes you know so when tribes are formed you get on the right team.

Follow these tips and you're sure to get through this unscathed, unless you end up in a tribe full of artists.

Great tips!

I'LL HAVE THE HAM FLAKES WITH JUUUUST A BIT OF GRAPEFRUIT JUICE ON TOP

I had a bad sleep on Monday night. Here are the contributing factors:

1. It was warmer than usual in our abode so I couldn't really find an optimal blanket exposure level that would keep me at an ideal temperature. I can't sleep without some sort of blanket support and our comforter insulates like a tauntaun's inards so that didn't help, even though I was totally nakes.

2. I live on Queen St. West so there's usually some form of street noise going on outside, which I've gotten very accustomed to over the eight months we've been living there. But last night? OH MON. First, there were the sounds of garbage trucks. Then several sirens. Then a street sweeper that must have gone by at least four times. Sprinkle in the odd shouting asshole and you have a hostile sleeping environment.

3. I rarely drink coffee because it irritates my stomach and then my butt, but I drank some anyway on Monday and I'm sure THE added caffeine didn't do my sleep cycle any favours. You see, when the sandman surfed into my room on his neon snooze board, the caffeine acted as a deterrent and made him barf his sleep puke onto the floor instead of my mouth, get it? That's the whole science behind it.

And then there were the usual songs in my head and thinking about stuff that I usually erase with the reading of a book, which I didn't really do that night. With the heat and the tossing and the sirens etc., I kind of pictured myself in a movie like Lethal Weapon with that cool bluesy music playing and the hot, stinkin' city all around me with neon lights coming through the window and stuff and I'm sweatin' and tossing all about. Catch that vibe? I may be crazy.



I would've liked an example with more horns, but that's pretty much what I was talking about.

Speaking of horns, I've recently had the desire to learn how to play one, namely the trumpet. I think the trumpet would be way more popular if it had a better name because that's why everyone likes saxophones so much.

"Sax" sounds like "sex" and everyone seems to like that.

and

The "ophone" part is kind of funny and sounds quasi-futuristic, and people love laughing and the future.

"Trumpet" on the other hand rhymes with "crumpet", a food usually associated with boring old British people. When I think of crumpets I think of that guy Rumpole of the Bailey, whose namesake television program was the most boring show of all time when I was a kid. All the guy did was complain to his wife about dinner. I do love crumpets though. They suck up butter like a sponge.

The same theory applies to the clarinet. If they were instead called 'Black Scorpions' or 'Dark Nightmares', kids all over would want to play them instead of just shy girls and dweebs. I played the clarinet but it was only because my mom already owned one. No regrets.

So teach me the trumpet and make me sleep better.

IF YOU SAW A RAT THE SIZE OF A WOLF WOULD YOU BE MORE SCARED THAN IF IT WAS JUST A WOLF?

The last couple of days computers have been driving me up the wall and while I'm up the wall the computer drives me bananas and the bananas are brown and shitty. Last night I was trying to install Photoshop and my machine froze several times to the point where I was ready punch something, which only seems to happen when computers act like dick heads or when I have to put together IKEA furniture. The same freezing thing happened when I was at work today and my usually reliable computer kept giving me guff to the point where I had to leave and head for the bathroom to sit and settle down.

That concludes the "What I Did and How I am" portion for today - I screwed around with computers making me feel like garbage. Now I have a little room to freestyle:

At first I wrote a long thing about how I don't understand why auto workers unions complain so much, but I think some people might not like that, and I don't want to whine about something I know barely anything about. Besides, I've got a soft spot for the blue collar man. I worked for 1-800-GOT-JUNK for two summers and at the end of the day when you've been lifting shit all day and you're covered in slime, you take a shower and drink a beer and you feel like a real man. Plus you meet all sorts of colourful characters. Sometimes we'd have to work with temps if our numbers were uneven (2 guys to a truck, get it?) and these guys were usually down on their luck and only qualified to work manual labour but couldn't get stable work due to the tough lives they lived. Here's a description of one such dude from a May 1, 2005 LiveJournal:

Worked with a temp who has 6 kids, is dating a 28 year old, drives a purple corvette and wants to plant rare trees on the land he owns

There was also this guy we called "The Hulkster" who had a Hulk Hogan moustache and a decent mullet and he was really nice and once we were driving near the airport and he looked up at a plane and said "Isn't it fuckin' awesome how planes stay in the sky?" I laughed to myself, thought about it for a second and said, "it sure is".

That job had big time ups and staggering lows, but all around I'd say it was positive. I'll leave you with one more story from May 27, 2005:

The other day at the garbage truck fixing store this guy who worked there was hosing off two large pieces of foam with a power washer. Upon inquiry I learned that he had just bought a used camper and was understandably worried about what other people had done on these foam mattresses. Instead of buying new ones he was hosing the old ones off in a garbage truck garage. I laughed because foam probably costs mere nickels and foam takes a llllllllllllllong time to dry, and foam is like sponge so all the semen, blood and sweat that was on the mattress is probably going to stay there so I questioned the effectiveness of his methods. But the guy was wearing a shirt that said "real men drive fords" or something and he was driving a chevy, which instantly diminished his credibility.

Tomorrow I'll be coming at you live from Orlando Florida where I'm judging the 2009 Tropicana bikini contest and orange juice bake off. My fellow judges are former ball player Chili Davis and respected thespian, Tom Skeritt. See you in the sun!

MAMA'S SERVING PICKLED CRACKERS AND LEMONADE BEEF

If this weekend were a burrito it'd be spicy and it would have some strange ingredient like shredded carrot or peanut butter and when you get it from the burrito salesman you go "that's fun".

FRIDAY

Andy booked a room at XO karaoke because he wanted to sing karaoke, so we gathered a motley crew of friends from all walks of life and sang our nips off for three hours. I always hope that when I get friends together who don't know each other that they'll all get along and feel great, which is a lot to ask. Karaoke is a great way to to achieve this though because there's never any silence in the room and people are kind of forced to get up there and present themselves, bearing their feelings through the miracle of song and the wonder of music. The following photos should give you a good idea of the vibe and passion that was in the room that eve:




My karaoke songs of the night were "Neutron Dance" which I did duet style with Andy, "Poppin' My Collar", which I've got pretty good at, "Back in the Saddle" by Aerosmith and a bunch more that I can't remember. Let's just say I covered most major western genres from the last 40 years. I like to tell a story with my karaoke.

SATURDAY

I was looking forward to this day since last Monday thanks to modern technology and its "Five Day Forecast". Luckily, all the reports were correct, and it was sunny and warm for the biggest and best chunk of the day, until around 4pm when a fierce store hit the town, complete with rain and winds that made you say "BOOOORRRBBBB". Anyway, when I woke up I headed straight for Canadian Tire and bought a new tennis racquet (impulse buy), a can of balls, and two baseballs, and put them in my backpack along with my old tennis racquet and two baseball mits.

Before heading to the park I made a stop at Subway for brunch. The lady working there acted like she was working in a jail. ALL BUSINESS. She got snappy at these soft spoken ladies for not ordering fast enough and proceeded to toast my sub when I told her twice not to. She was efficient though. Maybe the big boss came in right before I got there and told them they'd better sell 600 subs before close or that particular branch would be closed and when all the chips were down this old millionaire came in and bought 300 subs for his granddaughter's sweet 16.

I spent the afternoon in the park with pals and we played a spirited game of softball and the whole area was buzzing with kite fliers, catch throwers, tennis aces, dog havers, and probably some bad dudes too, they like warm weather as much as anyone else.

Stupidly, I neglected to screen my skin from the sun, and I ended up with burns on my neck and arms. The pain became rather bothersome on Saturday night and because I don't have any aloe I had to try new strategies to deal with the pain. One of them involved me imagining I was Marvel superhero, "The Human Torch". I just imagined that after the Human Torch turns his fire body off he feels like he's sunburned, but it's not so bad because it's just a sunburn and it's a small price to pay to be able to turn into a fire man and fly around. Surprisingly, this seemed to work along with putting cold drinks on the hot spots and trying not to look at my lobster arms.

That night Andy and I did "The Dumbest Shit" comedy show at midnight and we did a bit called "Who Wants to be a Fart Millionaire". It went as well as a fart bit can go when there's 6 people in the audience, but I think it could've been dumber than it was, which was my fault. Also, I was dead tired and probably had a mild case of sun stroke.

Sunday I had burgers with my dad and brother and they brought me a new stereo receiver and my rig is almost complete and I can rock the summer away with the sounds of vinyl. All I need now are some new speakers and the dancing around nude on hot days will commence.

That'll do it! Like the movie "A.I." this entry was a bit long, but for those who spend all day at work struggling to find content to read on the Internet because there's nothing to do at their job, this is my gift. And this:

WHAT WAS THE LAST VEGETABLE TO GO EXTINCT?

Someone told me I was too harsh on the Jonas Brothers yesterday. Don't worry, I respect those guys because it seems they know how to play instruments. This may sound trite, but they're basically just Hanson all over again and I didn't really hate those guys except for their hair, the fact that they're brothers and their squeaky clean image. So yeah, same thing.

The weather man has looked into his crystal skull and predicted that weather in the southern Ontario region is going to be dee dee dee dee dee delight fu fu fu fu fu fu ful. This is great news for guys like me who have been complaining about weather since last summer took a shit on our heads and rained every day. I may not be able to enjoy the city though because there's a chance I'll be in another city (Detroit) for game 5 of the Red Wings/Blue Jackets NHL hockey playoff series. But if the Wings win tonight, which is bloody likely, I'll be biking around, eating ice cream and wondering if I should get a freezie after eating ice cream. Here are some activities YOU can try:

1) Have a scavenger hunt that involves fish and chips and finding the best fish and chips.
2) Have a regular scavenger hunt
3) Have a scavenger hunt where you try to take a picture of the weirdest guy you can find and then you all come together and compare and whoever wins gets fish and chips
4) Come up with a new sport like "Lolly Ball" or "Flinger Wars"

If you have any free time in between these activities just go rent a movie and try a new snack that you've never had before.

BOOK REVIEW
The Stand by Stephen King

I'd give this book 7.5 out of 10. The first three quarters or so were really good and I was equal parts scared and excited. But in classic Stephen King fashion, the ending was rubbish, complete with shitty sentimentality, big time let downs, and unanswered questions. I don't know if I can really say "classic" because I've only read a few Stephen King joints and the last one I read was probably like 10 or 15 years ago. I'm mostly basing this on the TV movie of "IT" which is one of the worst things I've ever seen, all topped off with the ending where IT is just a big spider. Anyway, since I didn't feel like I wasted my time reading it, I still give it a thumbs up and think you should give it a try.

YEAH I'M SCARED OF BATS AND SNAKES AND DOGS

Guess what I don't like:

A) Fall Fairs
B) Modern concept albums
C) Fries and gravy

If you didn't pick "B" then please show yourself out, because not only was that a test of your loyalty and fandom, but also the intro to a rant regarding the subject.

I don't have a problem with concept albums of the 70's and 80's because for the most part they were all about totally crazy shit that was created using the kind of drugs that make you dream up images of battle elves, dragons and colourful spirals. Can you tell me what Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" is about? Probably not, but that's what makes it so good.

Now skip ahead to the music of today. It seems like every other shitty pop punk band has a concept album under their belts, the most notable being Green Day. The reason why I hate these modern concept albums is because I think it's lazy song writing. What's more difficult - writing a bunch of good lyrics inspired by various experiences, expressing a myriad of emotions or 10 songs about some guy walking around his neighbourhood being mad at George Bush? It's like the easy way out. I'm not saying it stinks all the time, but I prefer concepts that leave a little more to the imagination and involve concepts like space, wizards and trolls.

Speaking of albums, let us now take a look at the upcoming Jonas Brothers offering:

It's looks like they're about to embark on the lamest safari of all time.

"Alright guys, we're about to out into the African jungles, now I just wanted to... what the hell are you wearing?"

Then they just stare like that

"uhh okay, did you bring the supplies I asked you to bring?"
"We brought stuff to make s'mores," said Nick.
"Well I guess that can't hurt."
"Where should we put the cheese?" asked Joe.
"Cheese?"
"For the s'mores. Where should we put our makeup?" said the other guy.

So that's silly.

The title is also kind of strange. It could be the name of a Scott Weiland record. The lines are drugs, the vines are that street in Hollywood and the trying times are like when he almost dies all the time. But seriously..."trying times". These three guys haven't had a trying time in years. They're all young millionaires, they can have any girl in their age bracket and 2 out of the three of them are fairly handsome. A "trying time" for a Jonas brother is when their sunglasses break or when they spill chocolate milk on one of their scarves. Or maybe the "trying times" are all those instances when teen girls with huge gumdrops make their way backstage and offer their bodies and the Jonas' get boners but have vowed celibacy for some reason so their boners last all night. That'd be trying.

This has been the annual music issue of What I Did and How I Am. Next year I have an interview with Fred Durst and all he does is talk about how he met the Wu Tang Clan once. Party off you guys!

EGGS ARE A GROSS FOOD BUT REMAIN WILDLY POPULAR ALL OVER THE WORLD

Let me tell you something Pete. The first time I saw that singer Lady Gaga, I was like, "Oh Dave, this is the worst". I sort of assumed she was a creation of record companies, who were out to exploit the popularity of dancey synth pop with hipster undertones. But as of late I've gained a new appreciation for this total nut job. I like how she goes all the way with fashion. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are supposedly "fashionable" but they dress casual fashionable most of the time, so as to look like they're not really trying. Lady Gaga says "check out my dress. It's weird and expensive"

This one is basically a Halloween costume, which I'm okay with

That one might be too big. She reminds me of when the Griswolds go shopping in Italy in "European Vacation":



Skip ahead to about the two minute mark for the best part. If anyone can find me the outfit Rusty is wearing there at the end I'll give them the biggest damn kiss you ever saw.

In conclusion, if you're going to be a weirdo celebrity, you might as well go total weirdo. I watched some of the third evening with Kevin Smith and he talks about his experience working on Die Hard 4 and it makes you glad that Bruce Willis as strange as you'd hope he'd be. He has his own chicken chef and has this writer who looks like a wrestler and he's passionate and lovable. According to Kevin Smith.

In personal news, last night we performed at this fun sketch comedy show/contest and we were sooooo bad, but made it to the last round regardless. I haven't really done much sketch comedy so it felt a bit uncomfortable but experience is experience, life's life, rock n roll awesome. That's a personal update for anyone out there who may be stalking me. Hi!

We had a lot of fun today, and now you know how I feel about Lady Gaga AND I got to share one of my favourite scenes in movie history. Until tomorrow, pants down, butts out.

THAT AIR CANADA AD WITH THE WEIRD SINGING DRIVES ME BoNKeRs

FALLEN SOLDIERS

Episode 2 - A backpack

This is the second installment of my wildly popular column, "Fallen Soldiers" where I sing the praises of items I've had for a long time, but have chosen to retire. You may remember the first piece where I paid tribute to a pair of old shoes. All you tender hearts will be pleased to know that I just couldn't throw out those babies and continue to wear them to this day even though they're full of holes and make a weird plopping sound with every step. Will this next item enjoy the same fate? Probably. I don't throw things out because I develop emotional attachments to inanimate objects. One time my friend and I let this inner tube go loose on Lake Huron, but when we saw it floating alone out there we just had to go get it. So we fished it out and threw it in the woods instead.

I've had this backpack for a really long time. I think I probably got in in mid high school, so at least 10 years. Me and the old girl have been all over the world together, but time has taken its toll and the bottom has worn extremely thin. Wishing to avoid a silent movie-esque folly where my stuff falls clean out of the bottom while it's pouring rain and when I drop down to pick everything up my top hat falls in the mud, I decided to start shopping for a new one. Thanks to a gift card from Eddie Bauer I got for my birthday, I'm the proud new owner of a mustard coloured sack made of the highest quality fabrics imported from the most glorious empires of the world.
When I first got her, I didn't like how the model was called "Jammer" because teenagers will make fun of you for anything, and I didn't want to give them the opportunity to accuse me of "jamming" things with my "thing". So when I bought a Guns N' Roses patch from a garage sale where I also got some of the best posters in my history, I covered up the logo. I took it off eventually when I got to university and realized no one would care what my backpack was called.

I don't think I'm going to fully retire the backpack. Its career is going to follow that of a figure skater - when you retire you basically retire from competition but still do shows. I will use old blue for special missions so if you see me on the street with it on you know I'm doing something awesome.

CELEBRITY OF THE DAY

Hugh Jackman

Here's why I like this guy:

- He's Wolverine, one of the toughest characters of all time. At the same time, he's a dancing, singing Broadway performer. That's the kind of range I can get behind

- During promotional tours he plays the game better than anyone. Every picture I've seen of him over the last month, where he's promoting Wolverine I think, he smiles and waves like nobody's business. This is in stark contrast with those other celebrities who like to think that promoting their films are not part of their job.

- He's Australian and those guys are alright

That's all really. Those reasons are enough for a celebrity to qualify for this feature. If you're famous, please apply to:

Celebrity of the Day
Denver Plastic Solutions Inc.
c/o Herb Pluyfrot
246 Big Mountain Way
St. Louis, Missouri
90213

Please include your head shot, three media clippings, a demo real, your agent's contact information as well as a short, 500 word bio. Thanks and good luck.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, TIE YOUR SHOES, GRIND YOUR SPICES AND LET'S GET OUTTA HERE

I spent most of the weekend PIGGING OUT on carrots and and diet root beer. I feel sooooo guilty, but when I find something I like, I eat it a million times and then move on or go back to dry cereals. Depends.

FALSITY

Here's what actually went down, in chronological order so as not to offend those self conscious activities that would get offended if I ranked them in order of "fun". I'm looking in your direction "Sunday Afternoon".

On Friday, my friend Brendan got me a ticket to the 7:30pm Norm MacDonald stand up show at Yuk Yuks. Oh gravy, it was so funny and good, that my mind said, "whoa boy" and my body made it so my hand slapped my knee a lot and all that is good for the soul. Here's a YouTube compalation courtesy of the Internet, so you can feel the way I felt and we can move on to the next bit:



After the show I went to a bar to meet up with people from work who were celebrating the visit of our friend. I kind of wish the default social event was something like bowling or trampolines instead of just standard bar, but in order for that happen we'd need more alleys and trampolines and that's not going to happen in these economic times. Plus, bars have been the social default for so long, it would be like telling a business man to put away his suit and start wearing coveralls or maybe a khaki safari outfit to work instead.

On Saturday I went to Niagara Falls for a bachelor party. Unfortunately, our friend who is getting married has two different groups of friends who party in different ways. My team wanted to avoid casinos and strip clubs and instead go play video games, go to haunted houses and watch waterfalls, while team B wanted the opposite. So we kind of separated at some point, but we still had fun and we did all eat steaks together at the Keg. Things we noticed about Niagara - it's shitty, it's full of teens from Buffalo and it's stupid. I brought my camera and wasn't taking pictures so my drunk friend got mad and took control. Let's see how he did:

Here's a good blurry one of two strangers who aren't doing anything

And here Stein takes a picture of a street with nothing on it.

That's more like it!

Here's one I took where the guys look like night monsters/sexual predators

Andy and Greg play an Aliens arcade game while the other guys ditched us

On Sunday I napped all afternoon and then made chicken. There was lots of hockey to watch and watched a lot of it because the playoffs are like cirque de soleil after all you've seen in your life is regular circus'.