WEDNESDAY COMIC DAY AND PICKLE DAY IS EVERY DAY

The Hippie-Crite, issue #2 (click to make bigger)

While we're here, why not revisit the Hippie-Crite's first adventure!

I took a little more time with the new one, and I think it lost some of its DIY indie charm. Different name spellings, WHOA!!

Columbia Pictures in association with my production company, Poo Slick Entertainment, is currently developing the Hippie-Crite for the big screen. It may star Michael Cera in the title role, Megan Fox as his cranky, new age mother "Rose" and the always entertaining David Spade as the guy in the hat.

So it's Wednesday! If you work normal you're halfway there. If not, I don't know what to tell you. Is Wednesday good for you? Drop me a line!

REMINDER

Watch HOTBOX again tonight at 10pm on The Comedy Network. It's still on TV and will be for awhile so if you liked it, you get more!!

COOL ITEMS IN MY KNAPSACK

LAUNDRY TALK - with me, the author

If you go to the laundry mat on a Monday morning you're probably not going to meet any babes of destiny as Josh Hartnett did in 2002's sex-centric 40 Days and 40 Nights, a film about a hunk who tries really hard not to have sex. If only hunks realized how hard it is for some people to have sex in the first place. Down with hunks!

Anyway, you're more likely, as I did, to meet poor, lonely old men and quiet Asians. Am I complaining? NO. I've already met a babe of destiny and I didn't need a laundry mat to facilitate it, so sharing a space with a few weirdos for an hour is just fine with me. Although if some chicky waltzed in and started washing all her bikinis, leather pants and bustiers in plain view you wouldn't find me complaining.

Yesterday I talked to three seperate old guys while washing my cool threads. One guy just sort of stopped in the doorway on his bike and said to me:

"Hey buddy, why did the lamb fall off the cliff"

Then I said "What?"

And he said, "Do you know what a lamb is?"

I said, "What do I look like, some kind of a jerk?" I didn't say that, but I wanted to.

He repeated the joke and then came the punch line:

"He took a ewe turn"

mar mar mar

Then he noticed this other old guy who was washing shirts who looked liked he was 90 and they had a chat that was capped off by the Joke Man telling me he knew Super Old for like 40 years.

Here's what I've been getting at, unrelated to laundry - I think someone's weirdness/craziness is based on environment. Like when that really old guy came I was like "oh man this guy is old and weird" but the only reason I thought that is because in my mind old guys like that shouldn't be in the city doing their own laundry. Someone should be doing that shit for them. But that guy probably just isn't that lucky. As for the joke man, he was probably just a friendly dude, even though I was taken aback by him just riding up and telling me an old joke.

My experience was book-ended by a visit from that guy who stands on the corner of Queen and Spadina and yells about textiles. He walked in, talked to me about the weather and was on his way. No laundry, all talk. The great thing about dudes like that is that they probably don't have a lot in life, so having a simple, solid conversation with a stranger probably means more to them than it would to guys like me who are rich beyond your wildest dreams. When I was a blue collar worker during my summers in university, the people who tipped the most were the people who had the least. Rich guys never tipped. They were too busy waxing their skiis and polishing their emeralds.

So check out 40 Days and 40 Nights available to rent at your local video store. For laundry talk, I've been G.W. Macaulay.

MONDAY UPDATE

On Saturday night we threw a Carlsberg sanctioned event at our downtown compound, featuring the delicious taste of the pride of Denmark - Carlsberg beer.

They provided three 24 packs of beer and some promotional material including some great compact discs!

I don't think I'll ever listen to any of these, so if your birthday is coming up expect to find one of these beauties in your stocking.

On second thought, maybe I'll keep this one because it's just sooooo cool:


Too bad it's not an album called "Canada" by a band called "City Rocks". It's just a bunch of 70's and 80's CanCon. Luckily this is only Volume 1, so we're in store for a lot more hits in the future.

The above is a picture of party goers enjoying the smooth crispness of Carlsberg brand beer. Ryan, who is looking at the camera is upset because he doesn't have a Carlsberg in his hand. After this was taken he said, "I need refreshment and the only way I can get it is with an ice cold Carlsberg." He came to the right place!

Bills fan, new homeowner, future father and film blogger, Greg, enjoys a green beauty. He compared the delcious refreshment to a dip in a glacial lake at the height of summer with the smell of cranberries wafting through the warm air.

Farris told me, "I know what Heaven tastes like now!"

A lengthy debate - Ten things you'd want on a desert island. They agree that Carlsberg is number one. The rest of their lists were all over the map. Carlsberg unites again!

Celebrity farmer, Montreal's Paulo Beenzito poses in front of a Carlsberg facade in my bathroom.

Once the Carlsberg ran out, Mike and Andew laugh in the face of other, less sophisticated beers.

Then Mill Street came and gave us all box hats and we forgot all about Carlsberg!

Coming up this week - a pizza party courtesy of Gino's and a rhubarb festival courtesy of Foodland Ontario. Keep sending in those recipes!

FRIDAY FARTDAY

My apartment needs vacuuming more than the 'Octo Mom' needs a clue!

BANG

ZAP

I think Octo Mom represents the latest celebrity. Jon and Kate Plus Eight are pure last year's model - they didn't mean to have 8 kids and a TV show. But Octo Mom totally wanted a million kids to make money and it's working! She has her own show! I hate that it all worked out but I must commend her for making it happen.

FART TALK with Tanner "Dingbat" Ploof

Hi campers! Your old pal Dingbat here with all the latest in fart news and philosophy. Check out the above image! It's a picture of me and my son Bingo at this year's Arizona Fart Experience in beautiful Tempe. Bingo won the coveted Cone Hat after ripping a real stinker in D minor that impressed veteran judge Phil Deef. I'm very proud of my son, and now the Ploof family has six generations of Cone Hat winners!

Fart News

Rumour around the Convention is that Pfizer is developing a line of pet suppositories to make them fart more frequently and much louder. The idea is that the treated, farty pets will be used to roam the halls and rooms of children's hospitals all over the world to make them laugh and feel better. It's being developed with the help of Fart Brigade leader Chubby Puft, and Dr. Patch Adams. Here's hopin' this rumour is true!

Fart Philosophy

A fart is a cautious tale - it can bring joy and wonderment and has the ability to entertain - but when it's all said and done, it plain stinks. So take heed! Be cautious of anything too good to be true. For a fart may smell, but the wind will take it away so a new fart can be born...

KNOB HILL FARMS HAD AN IMPOSING LOGO

I just tried chocolate Skittles, and yes - they taste like shit.

The worst candy I've ever had is this Chinese brand called "Haw flakes". They look like gerbil food and taste like rotten fruit dipped in butt sweat. I went over to my cousin's house once and they were all excited about some candy their mom bought and were like "Oh yeah! Haw flakes!" and I was like "Daaaaaammnnnn those are the worst!".


Would you want to eat that? It looks like a scab.

Hear about that big car crash at Queen and University on Tuesday night? I must have biked by there minutes before it happened, just like when I walked by the subway minutes before that shooting went down in winter time or whenever that was.

Are there dark forces at work here?

Maybe I'll write a new TV show - an hour long drama called "The Follower" about a regular guy who is followed by this evil spirit that causes bad stuff to happen in the wake of the guy going anywhere. Every so often the spirit takes a human form and talks to the guy and it's Michael Ironside.

Spirit - Hello Zach. Sorry about killing that museum full of people, but you went to the museum so I had to do it.

Zach - What do you want from me!

Spirit - What everyone wants...

Zach - Money? Power?

Spirit - No. To follow a guy around and do bad things.

And then the main guy figures out that he can use this bad spirit to rid the world of terrible things so goes to the jail to visit and then the jail blows up and then he goes to Iraq and plays cards with terrorists and they turn to goo and stuff like that.

Not only did that crash teach me you can make a TV show out of anything, but it also taught me that I'm a very urban man now. I live almost at that intersection and was home when the crash happened, sitting by an open window looking onto Queen St. But I didn't hear a thing! There had to be sirens and a loud bang, but I didn't hear anything because I'm so used to the noise.

Speaking of Queen St., last Friday night there was a gaggle of shitty babes out on the street being drunk and dumb and one of them hiked up her skirt and urinated on Queen St. in front of "Bang On" the t-shirt store. Then they started making out with these foreign dudes out of nowhere and then they got into a limo.

I feel like my thoughts today were very complete. I toned down a bit of the silliness and gave you an understanding of the way I live and the candy I avoid. I'm going to celebrate by thinking about root beer...

SUMMING IT ALL UP AND THEN GOING OUT FOR CEREAL WITH A BABE

I hope you watched Hotbox last night, but if you didn't you can watch tons of clips on the Comedy Network website. And don't give me any excuses like, "Sorry boss, I don't have the Internet," because I know you do. You're always on there looking for rare pictures of the cast of "Night Court" and simple, affordable recipes that use snow peas.

I feel the content around here has suffered a bit lately and I think it's because I haven't really been doing all that much with my time. Because the theme of this thing is about me and what I do and how I do it, the lack of good stuff makes sense.

Don't get me wrong, I've been doing stuff. I don't lie in the tub all day with a newspaper over my face eating corn chips with my pruned hands. I just haven't been doing anything very interesting that's worth telling you about. Actually, if I had been sitting in the tub for days, you'd probably want to hear about that. I'd have so much time to think that I'd be telling you all sorts of theories about pets and outer space and big clothes and stuff.

Anyway, here's a good example of a standard day: Yesterday morning I went to the Sick Kids farmer's market and bought some muffins and then I went home, made lunch and sat around. I didn't encounter any weirdos or see any celebs during this time, hence no exciting narrative. My evenings are spent watching TV and writing TV and my mornings are mostly spent preparing mentally for a day of soul sucking employment.

Even weekends are suffering! This is because I haven't been drinking as much as usual because alcohol seems to really take its toll on me these days. I think I'm slowly making a comeback though. In any case, I truly believe that alcohol does make things more fun and if anyone disagrees they're either a recovering alcoholic or they just don't know how to party. You don't need alcohol to have a good time, but you're way more likely to have cool fun when drinking than if you're not. It's all about the percentages.

Here's a quick snippet of LiveJournal history from August 16, 2001:

We suddenly found ourselves beside Choclair and we saw that Saukrates had stolen one of our seven up's that we had brought in but told to put down.

That was when Jon and I were on MuchMusic's "Da Mix" once.

I'M JUST GOING TO TELL YOU ONE THING TODAY AND YOU'D BETTER LISTEN

If you watch television and like to laugh like crazy then you should probably flip to the Comedy Network at 10pm Eastern Time this evening to catch the series premiere of "HOTBOX".

This show is written by and starring several Toronto comedians who are top dogs when it comes to smiling. The main guy is Pat Thornton, who is this guy:



The new show is a bunch of short, silly sketches and cartoons and puppets and I really think you guys will like it because the people who made it are the best and they're all young and hilarious just like your friends.

You can't lose! If it becomes your favourite show then that's just plain great, and if you don't like it then at least you'll have an opinion ready if ever it comes up in conversation.

So tell your friends and your dad if he's silly, because laughter is the brain of the fun body, get it? Vital organ dude.

HOTBOX, Tuesday nights at 10pm on the Comedy Network.

CHEST HAIR TASTES LIKE FETTUCINI ALFREDO

MOVIE REVIEW - Drag Me To Hell

The film "Drag Me To Hell" was a part of my weekend entertainment package and provided spooky scares and frightening laughs. If you like to be scared and jumpy and if you're one of those ladies who is in love with current heartthrob and computer salesman Justin Long then I think you'll enjoy this. If you're a man and you're in love with Alison Lohman then you'll like it too because she's the star of the whole thing. The three Spanish people sitting in front of us really got a kick out of this one! But if you have no money because you can't stop buying mangoes, this clip is pretty much what the movie is like:



Why would Zac Efron waste his time with that bird Vanessa Hudgens? She looks like she's 13! He should ditch her and start dating an older woman with some va va voom. I think that would be a good career move.

Put down that piece of hose for a second and take a trip with me:

Picture yourself going back in time to the eighties and hanging out with some teens. One of them says, "Hey wasteoids, when does that new video game cartridge come out?" and you say, "Shit man, where I'm from we can just Google that stuff." Finding out that in the future there's this communications device on a computer called the 'Internet' and the verb used to describe it will be called "googling" would be so awesome for a teen of the past to hear. "Yeah man, you have a question you just type it in and you get a million answers."

I talk about time travel too much. I think I just like the idea of the blowing of minds, and I figure time travel would probably be the thing that would blow someone's mind the most. Here are some other mind blowers:

1) Finding God or something religious like.
2) Finding Atlantis
3) Finding Aliens
4) Finding Sasquatch/Lock Ness Monster
5) Flying

I hope that before I die, I experience one of those things. Imagine Sasquatch decided to leave the forest one day and he just started walking down the street? And he became a celebrity? And he started a really good band? I CAN DREAM CAN'T I??

RELAXING EVENINGS DOWN BY THE CAR

We're going to start today's action with a small story from my real brother Scott:

"Oh yeah, so I was on the Subway this weekend, and saw this total slutty girl with her white corn-rowed boyfriend and, no lie, she had a lower back portrait tattoo of Ron Perlman as The Beast from the Beauty and the Beast TV show."

Ahahahahahaha. i remember being at home as a child and being bored, so I'd pop in an unlabeled VHS tape hoping for a movie and every so often I'd get an episode of Beauty and the Beast that my mom taped, and I'd say "OHHHHHHHHHHH".

Having that tattoo is strange enough, but if she's under the age of 35 it's especially bonkos.

Speaking of tattoos, I saw this guy on the street last weekend with wearing a Ron Francis Pittsburgh Penguins t-shirt, and on his arm he brandished the Ghostbusters logo. I thought to myself, "I don't know anything about this guy, but he's already half way toward being my friend". If you're out there mystery man, send me an email and we'll hang out with pizzas and video games, two things I'm sure you're into.

Here's a quick song about Fridays:

Friday Night and my pants are tight,
I bought 67 beers and my butt feels right

Sun goes down and so does my frown
I grab some Bits N Bites and my favourite crown

Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey

Run to a bar that's not too far
Oh. It's pretty far, I should've drove my car

I'm sweatin' big like a plumpy pig
When I see a fine lady that I really dig

Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey

Friday! Oh no, Friday, is a day of the week
Friday! Oh yeah, Friday, and the special is leek...

...SOUP BABAY -

Put it to bed!
I got some new sheets that go well with my bed

END.