A GLIMPSE INTO A BOOK PART 1

Remember back when I was in University and someone published the journals of Kurt Cobain? Thanks to Christmas I own it, and because I enjoyed it so much I thought I'd share it here. But since that would violate several copyright laws and be dumb and boring, I decided to start my own "Journals" project. The following pages come from a book my friend Jon gave me in December 2002. Inscribed in the front cover is a passge from Jon that reads, "Ideas, drawings and general sparks of brilliance that come to me most likely from outer space and would otherwise be forgotten", which pretty much sums up what I've used it for over the last six years. The pages I've chosen to show all fall into the "brilliant" category FOR SURE. I don't use this book any longer because it's a piece of shit and it's falling apart. So here we go - Part 1 of what I call Dude Life - The Journals of Glenn William Macaulay.

(Click on image to enlarge)

These two pages were written on sometime during my time at McMaster University. Let's start with the left side.

Right away you'll notice several t-shirt designs. I seem to remember that was something I'd do in class if I was bored. None of these designs made into stores, although upon reflection some of them are reminiscent to the hats that fat guy on 30 Rock wears, so I'll just go ahead and take credit for that, okay? I still kind of like the "Grapes" one and I suppose having a shirt that says "Durable Winter Jacket" may garner a chuckle, but all-in-all most of the ideas in this book never went anywhere and are pretty dumb. BUUUUUUUT, if you look at the other stuff on this page, you'll come to find that I used this book for more than just jokes and drawings.

The phone number listed there is for a sperm donor. I remember writing the number down because someone had put an ad somewhere saying they were looking for donors and that the pay $CASH$. Because I didn't have a job this seemed like it was a good idea. Luckily for me, our student newspaper ran an article about donating around the same time, saying it wasn't as easy as it sounded. I forget why, but it wasn't anything gross like they put pins in your weiner to see how good your sperm is.

Under the t-shirts are some ideas I had for Halloween costumes: NHL referee Kerry Fraser, "Beard" (??) and Jim Henson. I remember almost doing Jim Henson but I couldn't find a muppet to use. For those of you who are gross and pictured weiner pins or something in the previous paragraph, can now proceed to imagine the last sentence as some chick telling her friend about the night she almost banged Jim Henson:


The night it almost went down. Two chicks are hammered after a night of hard partying:

"Yo so did you do it?"

"Well we were in the bedroom and he took off his vest and we were all ready to go and I said, 'do you have a condom?' and he goes 'you mean a muppet?' And I was like 'what?'"

"Weird"


They pass out.

Then the next day when they wake up

"We were soooooo drunk last night! Remember partying with Jim Henson and Dudley Moore? I kissed Dudley, but I can't remember...did you sleep with Henson?"

"I remember almost doing Jim Henson but I couldn't find a muppet to use."


There you go guys, full circle, just like a dumb game show from 1989 that would be called "FULL CIRCLE" hosted by Tino Monte:




The next page has a couple of sketch ideas and also a quick style report I complied one day while at school. Some guy had a Public Enemy scarf and this other guy who was really weird had this strange jacket and the brand was "Scotch and Soda" which I found really funny at the time. Why would I need to remember a guy with a PE scarf? So I can tell you guys about it. MISSION COMPLETE. We've gone FULL CIRCLE. "Our next guest is from Kitchener Ontario and works as a stone mason. Please welcome Bilf Crunt! Come up here Bilf and see if you can go FULL CIRCLE. The prizes today are a chair, a trip to Panama and a 32 inch televsion set."

Stayed tuned in the coming days for more Journals. After that I make share some recipes and maybe talk about my favourite lakes and rivers.

IF YOU'RE READING THIS EAT SOME CHEESE

Let's take a moment to talk about clothes. I own a lot of them for a man of my attitude. That is, I don't really care much for looking proper, but I do like to have options when I'm de-nuding in the morning.

I also like to have outfits ready for very specific occasions. For example, let's say I somehow came upon a red bowtie but never wore it. I'd probably hesitate to get rid of it just because there might be a time where I need to dress up like Pee-Wee Herman.

Most of my clothes were bought in late high school (I'm 26 now) or were given to me by my mom or sister at Christmas or my birthday. The clothes from High School are special to me because I probably bought them at Value Village, and finding clothes there is like searching for treasure. If you found a case of rubies in a creek would you want to get rid of them? NO! I also don't like getting rid of clothes that were given to me because there's something unwholesome about throwing out gifts.

Now that I've given you several good reasons as to why I have some many clothes, lets move onto the section entitled "PERSONAL STYLE"

Most would describe my style as 11 year old boy mixed with 65 year old man, which admitedly is sort of what I go for. I'm very weary of trends because as anyone who's ever owned Zubaz pants will tell you, "Guy, trends don't last. Look at these pants man. I'm stuck with them. I don't want to admit they're bad news. I also hate jeans." I guess you could say I strive for timelessness. Even though looking back at photos of yourself wearing stupid things is fun, you still kind of feel like an idiot.

I probably spend $100 dollars a year on clothes. The only items I usually spring for are shoes and jeans. These savings allow me to buy premium burgers on a semi-regular basis. Alright I'm bored. It's now YOUR turn to be a part of the Internet by taking my STYLE SURVEY:

View this quiz on Quibblo More quizzes on Quibblo

YOUR LIFE THE RECORD

Anyone who's a human being has probably at least once in their life thought about what heaven is like if it exists. I do! I don't think much about hell because there's no perks in hell to fantasize about. Thinking about what might be in heaven is like if your parents are like, "We're going on vacation to Utah."

"Why?" You ask.

"You'll see," your dad says.

Then you start thinking like, "My dad is a reasonable man. I have no idea why he wants to go to Utah but damn; there's gotta be something good."

Then you picture yourself riding to the Grand Canyon on a white stallion with a babe at your side after your mom told you something that morning like, "OK today you can do whatever you want. Here's $100. We'll be at the art gallery. Meet for dinner at 6. Hotel lobby"

Finally you get to Utah, realize the Grand Canyon is in Arizona and that the reason your parents wanted to go is because they heard the state has great fruit.

So to wrap all that up, picturing what heaven is like is similar to picturing what a trip to Utah with your parents is like, but with heaven you have more freedom to imagine because as far as I know, God doesn't live in Utah and neither do wizards, wish granting trolls or any other entities that could maybe do some cool things for you.

NOW....when I think of heaven I always imagine that when you get there you can go on a computer and look up your lifetime statistics. For example, you could look up how many beans you've eaten in your life, or the number of times you saw a cardinal. Furthermore, you can see how you rank in human history. So when I die I might be a contender for human who has had the most haircuts. Or maybe you don't even have to look. You get an interview and the angel is like "Well you came in third for most graph paper used." It's good because if you lived a good life but never really did much, you may find out that you own a record in rubber bands and so you can enjoy heaven more and play snooker with Robin Hood or someone in peace, you know?

If you're bummed out one day and there's nothing to do, don't forget that you may be close to a record, so drink that extra lemonade, stick MORE gum to your shoe or take another dump for old times sake! You might be a record holder!

UPDATE OF THE WEEK

It turns out the guy in the movie "FEAR" that I mentioned a few posts ago is more of a badass than I remember. He does kill a guy and he cuts the head off a dog.

ANOTHER STINKER

Here's another bit that I wrote a while ago that never made it to the stage. You can blame the bureaucracy that is the sketch group "The Polecats". My material has always been abrasive, and the group knew that when they started working with me. They just ended up wasting my time and effort, but you know what? No regrets. I'll always remember those rare good times: Sipping brandy under the palm trees in Key West with Erin after killing at Ron's Comedy Lounge and Bait Store; Throwing out the first pitch at the Cubs game in front of 2.9 million people; Winning the tag team championship with Brendan live on WCW's Monday Nitro in 1998 against Harlem Heat; Eating spaghetti and meatballs with Scott and Andy on the 98th floor of the Empire State building after we went to the Snooker Expo at what used to be the world famous CBGB's.

I think I'll call this stupid bit "NEW EMAIL ADDRESS". Please enjoy, and if you like what you read and are a millionaire, please give me some money.


Glenn – I got it. I got it. It was so obvious but I found one

2 – Found what?

Glenn - A new email address. I got one

2 – What is it?

G – Glenn Macaulay at gmail .com

2 – Big deal

G- Big deal? Big Deal?!

2 – Yeah big deal

G- Big Deal?!

2 – It seems obvious don't you think?

G – Big Deal?! Next time you experience a life-altering event, don't expect any excitement, wonder or jubilation from me

Phone Rings

2- Hello? Yeah. What?! Ohhhhhhhh yeah!!!!

G – What?

(2 shoos him away to listen)

2 – Uh huh. Yeah. Perfect! Yes. I won! I won. Jumpin' Jesus, I won.

G- uh huh

2- I've won a trip around the world!

G – (pretending he didn't hear what 2 said) I cut my toe nails today

2 – It's me plus one! 6 months! Expenses paid baby!

G – I put some tea on earlier. Oh yeah. You don't like tea. Nevermind

2 – So? You wanna be my plus one?


G – (struggling) yyyernnnnnnnerIummm

2 – Lets Put this email thing behind us and let’s go on this trip. You’re being stupid

G – (Boiling mad) Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (slaps guy and runs away) I’m gonna ruin your little trip fucker

6 weeks later in Egypt

2 – Oh man, the great pyramid! Oh look at that another email on my blackberry. “Fuck off”. From Glenn dot macaulay at gmail dot com.

AHHAHAHAHAHAH oh man, that ending came out of NOWHERE!!! Brilliant stuff, brilliant stuff. You can really see why the conservative pinheads in The Polecats didn't accept it. I'm just glad that I'm rid of those pukes. This stuff DESERVES an audience and thanks to you, the loyal reader, I'm finally getting the recognition I've been looking for.

When the pools open for the summer I'll be there.

I'M SO SORRY

I'm back from vacation, with a new tan, new flip flops and new new new.

Does "new" sound weird now? Yeah it does!

I was in the Dominican Republic for a week for some much needed sunshine. If you've never been to an all-inclusive resort, be prepared to share it with one of two types of people:

1) Spring Break idiots: When I went to Cancun when I was 19, the city was full of these people. I guess we (our high school graduation class) were kind of Spring Break idiots too, but I'd much rather convince myself that we were model Canadian youths, merely there to experience a different culture and maybe read a few books on the beach.

2) Canadian/UK middle-aged "dudes" and their "wives" and maybe "children": These guys where nylon sport suits and/or Maple Leaf paraphenilia, drink Tim Hortons coffee in the airport, smoke and usually have solid bellies. They also bring their own big mugs for alcoholic drinks in order to maximize efficiency. The guys from the UK are pretty much the same expect they wear soccer gear instead of hockey. These guys like to party and not wear shirts.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm turning 26. How do I feel about this you ask? Pretty bad because I don't like 26 year olds. They're generally full of themselves and have HUUUUUGE butts. In my 26th year I plan on doing more Yoga, finally getting around to starting that men's magazine I've been thinking about that features naked women fishing and skiing, and maybe leasing an ATV. We'll see. You can send birthday gifts through my publicist, Rudolph Cisnekskileewold at PO Box 656565, Santa Monica CA. Be sure to leave your name and address so I can send you back and autographed 8X10 of my in my Tennis whites.

MOVIE MYSTERIES, PART 1

My recent rant against "Father of the Bride" was a hotly debated topic in the news this week.

Canada's The Globe and Mail said "His [Macaulay's] passion and distaste toward Steve Martin's protagonist is indicative of a larger class struggle in what is believed to be a new 'war' on the bourgeois."

America's Spin Magazine said "As much as Flogging Molly's spirited Irish punk brings to mind the Pogues (as well as rowdy pub elders the Dubliners), the Los Angeles septet are as notable for their non- Celtic influences."

Thanks guys!

Because of this recent press, I've decided to post another movie-related feature entitled "MOVIE MYSTERIES"

Part 1 - Willie "Mays" Hayes

Willie "Mays" Hayes is a principle character played by Wesley Snipes in 1989's "Major League". He was replaced with Omar Epps in the sequel, "Major League II". Major League is one of the best sports movies of all time, if not one of the greatest pieces of art man has created. It has a whole lot of swearing, and the characters are zany without being overly zany a la "D2 - The Mighty Ducks" which features a hockey playing cowboy, a guy who can't stop, a couple of figure skaters and a homeboy who has super powers.

In the movie, the new owner of the Cleveland Indians deliberately hires a bunch of rag-tag misfits in order to throw the season, thus allowing her to move the team to Florida because of poor attendance. At the beginning of the film we get a sense of these players' origins:

Jake Taylor - Ex big leaguer, now living in Mexico
Rick Vaughn - Ex Con, played ball while in jail
Roger Dorn - Past his prime veteran who's turned into a pussy
Pedro Cerrano - Voodoo guy from Cuba who can hit dingers real well
Lou Brown - Manager of the Toledo Mud Hens and works at Tire World

During Spring Training, Hayes shows up uninvited, driving what looks like an old VW Beetle with a Rolls Royce hood ornament on it and wearing a sharp retro suit from the 1950's. No one knows who he is, but he manages to make it onto the team because of his blazing speed. Not once during the film do they address where he came from, nor does anyone question his origins. So MOVIE MYSTERY number 1 is "Who is Willie "Mays" Hayes?????"

My guess is that he's a time traveller from 1950's Georgia. He always dreamed of playing big league ball and one day gazed into his time crystal and saw that in 1989 the Indians would be looking for anyone who could lace up their cleats to play for them. His time machine is that weird car he drives and the rest is history. They should make a prequel called "Major League: Year Zero: The Time Bandit Chronicles".

Stay tuned to this blog for my latest project: Pitching an eco-friendly television series called "Envi! Ron Mental." It's about a guy named Ron Mental who learns about the recycling while raising his two boys.

PEACHES AND CREAM AND CHOCOLATE

I finished Twin Peaks and it was SccAArrrrrRRyYYYYyy. I'm glad I made it through the entire series without someone ruining it for me. I couldn't enjoy "The Usual Suspects" because I knew the ending, and I couldn't enjoy "Fight Club" because what I really wanted to watch that day was Wrestlemania V, but my friend's older brother intervened and basically forced us to watch the former instead. You can't enjoy a movie you don't really feel like watching, unless that movie is part of the original Star Wars Trilogy, or is Terminator 2. If I were in Hell and the Devil was messing with me and making me shovel skulls and feces into a big furnace for like 48 hours straight, and he lets me put on T2 while I work, it would feel as if I were in heaven, in spite of the shit and the skulls.

MOVIE THING THAT BOTHERS ME

I finished reading Steve Martin's "Born Standing Up" yesterday and it wasn't really that good. It seemed rushed and incomplete. There's some good anecdotes in the book, but thanks to the Internet, finding a good anecdote these days is as easy as finding complete and succinct homework in a nerd's locker.

So why did I open my "MOVIE THING THAT BOTHERS ME" segment with a thing about a book? Because Steve Martin starred in a movie called "Father of the Bride". What bothers me about Father of the Bride is sort of what bothers me about his book. In the movie, this guy owns a veritable mansion in a beautiful suburb, has a hot wife, a hot daughter, a delightfully mischeivious son AND he runs a shoe company. Yet, he spends the whole movie complaining that his daughter's new in-laws are better than him and that he might be wearing a dark blue tuxedo. His book is kind of like that too. He's one of the most famous comedians in history but spends a lot of time whining that he got too famous. I still like him though. I also like "Father of the Bride" generally speaking. Next week, I'm going to release part 2 of "MOVIE THING THAT BOTHERS ME" where I tear "Ben Hur" a new one!!

MOVE OVER ROVER

I'd like to take this opportunity to plug a book I recently read called "The Name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss.

You'll like this book if you're into:

- Demons
- Wizards
- Harry Potter
- Love
- Hate
- Books that have a cool map at the beginning

PLUS the author sort of looks like Rick Rubin! AND it won the Quill Award, which if I'm not mistaken is awarded to the Author who best exemplifies courage and valour in the face of grave danger while writing.

I'll let you borrow it if you live in the Greater Toronto Area and know my phone number.

I know this a little late, but I'd also like to endorse Twin Peaks the TV show. I'm too young to have watched it when it was actually on, but with the advent of DVD, I've been able to catch the entire series, commercial free. I have three episodes left, which I will view tonight. For those who don't know, the show is kind of like the X-Files meets the Days of Our Lives meets David Lynch. A winning combination, not unlike Beef meets grill meets bun meets toppings.

MEMORY OF THE DAY

I got new Reebok shoes when I was 7 or something and when I got home I ran up the stairs to my front door and said "These are good for climbing!" Of course they were, they were rubber-soled shoes! Any pair would've sufficed. I also once cried because my dad wouldn't let me buy Air Jordans with my own money.

THIS IS COOL

"Could I talk to you for a second?"

I've been watching season 2 of NBC's "Friday Night Lights" and I noticed something that bothered me. Don't get me wrong, I really like this show, so don't accuse me of being a huge dickhead.

You know in movies and TV shows when two people are talking and another character comes in and this happens:

Person 1- So I ate the burger and then drank a shake
Person 2 - That sounds deeeelicious. Now yesterday I made a pie with...

(Enter Person 3, who wants to talk to Person 2, but didn't expect Person 1 to be there)

Person 3 - Oh... hi guys
Person 1 - Hi Dave, how are you?
Person 2 - Hi dear, what's going on?
Person 3 - Excuse me Person 1, could I have a word with Person 2?
Person 1 - Oh, yeah sure. Give me a call later okay?
Person 2 - Okay, see you

(Exit person 1)

Person 2 - So what's up?

This happens about three times each episode. Thinking back, I don't think I've ever been in this situation. I've never been forced out of a conversation by someone who needs to talk to the person I'm talking to already. The word "person" is funny after you've typed it a million times. So did that make sense? I don't get why writers don't just start the scene with the two important people talking. Gee whiz guy.

I also used to be really puzzled as to why in TV and film the actors always drink iced tea with dinner. Look closely and you'll see. But the last couple of times I've been abroad, I realized that Americans drink iced tea like Marty McFly drinks Pepsi. There's pitchers of it everywhere! MYTH BUSTED. So I'd like to appologize to the MPAA for accusing you of over-serving iced tea at dinner.

WRITER'S CRAFT

When I'm bored at work I sometimes try to write a funny script using what my teacher called the "stream-of-conciousness" technique. I wrote the following on May 23rd 2006 according to the email I sent myself. It's not very good, but nothing interesting has happened to me lately, so it'll tide you dumb-dumbs over for a few days. There was that giant fire that happened right around the corner from me on Queen St. but that's only interesting to those who live in Toronto and I like to think that I have fans allllll over the world, including Russia and Namibia (I wish!). The following script has more of an international flavour, like roti or salsa hamburgers, so everyone can enjoy it equally. This blog is going to be the Olympics of the Internet, where all nations come together to play sports and win medals. They probably also bang in the Athlete's Village and have multi-ethnic children. Okay, enough already, right? Here's the script, that I will dub "The Adventure of the Meat Man Derrick".

(In a cool restaurant)
man - I think I'll have beef brisket, I hear it's really good here
woman - Ohhh that sounds just wonderful. I was going to get potatoes but I think I'll get beef brisket too
man - Great choice. I bet we won't be disapointed.
woman - heheeh let's hope so. Thanks so much for taking me out Derrick
man- The pleasure is all this guy's mmmhmm yeah, would you like some more water?
woman - no thanks, I'm still working on glass number one. I'll let you know if I want more.
man - Well I'd prefer to fill your glass right now.
woman - Derrick, you're making me uncomfortable
man - listen lady, you're going to drink more water and you're going to like it. It's good for you and it's refreshing. There is no negative to drinking it
woman - I think I want to leave, you're scaring me
man - Haunted houses and ghouls are scary, I'm real baby, authentic 100%. Now drink up before I get upset.
woman - you already are upset Derrick, I'm leaving!
man - You're not leaving until you drink this. Real simple Tracey. Real simple.
woman - okay! fine! you're such a jerk. (drinks) there. you happy?
Lights go out
another person comes on stage
guy - As it turns out, Tracey was a monster who was going to kill everyone in the restaurant. her only weakness was water. Derrick is actually an immortal knight sort of like Highlander whose purpose was to track and kill the monster. It took millenia and several identities but Derrick finally accomplished his task on May 9th 2006 at Mandarin Chinese Buffet in Mississauga. Following his successful kill, Derrick retired to Montreal where he lived forever.


Watch out 'The Oscars', there's a new Ben Affleck man in town who'll win best screenplay. Speaking of which, tune into the 145th running of the Academy Awards, starting at 3pm this Sunday only on CBC, the nation's station.