THIRD WORLD NAP

If you watch TV you've probably seen commercials for a website called Lumosity.com that promises to make you smarter by having you play simple little games. The only problem? You probably have to pay for it. In the good old days you could make yourself smarter in more natural ways. My grandfather didn't go to school after grade 2 and he managed to provide for his family and run a successful business that had something to do with asbestos. How did he do it? By trying to talk to dogs all day, chewing tobacco and counting dames at the bus depot. Since you're on your computer all day I figure you don't have time for dog conversations and dame countin' so I've created a series of little problems to help you get the best out of your brain FOR FREE.

*Answer Key Below*

Guess the Math

Math is the language of the universe so if you don't know it and you get abducted by aliens, you won't be able to tell them to relax, nor will you be able to order the food you want while on board.

1) If an "8" looks like an infinity snake, then what does "63" look like?

2) I'm thinking of a number between 6 and 95. It rhymes with Nifty Poo.

3) Solve for x where x = 46 + Your Birthday - The Distance Between Your Favourite Cat's Eyes

Pick the Right Shape

As babies, shapes are the first thing we learn besides how to be cute!

4) What shape would you use to burn a CD?

5) Who invented the square?

6) Which one is the gay triangle - obtuse triangle or right triangle?

7) If a man were to trade seven rectangles for a handful of rhombi, how many circles would he have to add to make it a fair deal?


Logic Quiz

We need logic so we don't make bad decisions. Before I learned logic I would bring a TV and VCR into the movie theatre and try to set it up because I didn't know what the heck was going on.

8) Darryl and Cindy are driving to New York City from Hamilton, Ontario. If they stop for gas 6 times and eat 4 Filet 'O Fish combos each along the way, how long did it take them to get there and why doesn't Cindy ever wear dresses?

9) To be or not be? Be, but don't not be unless you are in which case do but don't not are in case you aren't. Who am I?

10) You wake up and you're trapped under some ice on Lake Little Noose. You search frantically for a hole in the the ice and just before you run out of air your mom wakes you up and you realize it was all just a dream. Then your mom says there's some Cow Bread for breakfast. What is cow bread?

Cool Down

By now your brain should be shimmering with kinetic energy and that stuff they add to Gatorade to make it  a powerful drink.  

Answer Key 

1) A fat old bear and a witch hugging
2) Fifty Roo
3) x = Your dream man
4) Prism
5) Joseph, the famous dad
6) They're both pretty wild
7) I forget
8) It took them about 12 hours and Cindy doesn't feel feminine even though Darryl is a really great and supportive boyfriend
9) Rob Thomas
10) Meatloaf of course!

SHE HAD TERMINATOR EYES AND TITANIC LIPS

Movie Review

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit takes most of its stuff from a book written by England's own JRR Tolkien, a man who was so dissatisfied with the amount of slime and magic in the stories he grew up with that he decided to make up his own. Rumour has it he once described Sherlock Holmes as "a miserable old cunt who wouldn't know a yo-yo string from a shoelace". For his books he made up a bunch of lies about what our planet is really like, renamed it Middle Earth and filled it with creatures who wouldn't stand a chance against Spiderman. Not all the creatures are bad though, there are some friendly guys too, most notably the Hobbits themselves. They're essentially pint-sized English gentlemen farmers except they don't like sports. They might like darts I guess but that isn't in the movie or the book. 

Gandalf the wizard rolls the dice and chooses Bilbo the Hobbit as the last member of a team of adventurous dwarves on a mission to reclaim the gold and diamonds a dragon once stole from their dads. Why does he choose a little barefoot man instead of a big bruiser who actually owns a sword? Because Gandalf is a smart old guy whom you can't picture being a teenager. Anyway, the team runs into trouble along the way culminating in a battle with some goblins and the finding of the famous ring that Bilbo essentially nicks from a crazy toad.   

What did we learn?

We learn that no matter how small you are, you can do whatever it is your magic ring lets you do. In the case of Bilbo Baggins it makes him invisible, which is probably the number one most desirable ring power a short guy could want. That or a ring that makes his hair tall. I'm kidding. Today I saw one of the tallest guys I've ever seen and to him I wasn't the stretched dream most women under 65 see me as. So it's all about perspective.

Were we amazed?

If you saw Lord of the Rings you probably won't tingle because The Hobbit was made by the same guy, Peter Jackson. He probably used the same computer too but with much needed upgrades -- new keyboard, mouse, sound card etc.

What will be its legacy?

This film will be remembered as the one that came after Lord of the Rings even though it should've come before. It will also be remembered for having been chopped into three whole movies even though there's only one book and it's only like, 300 pages. I don't mind though. Any excuse to get out of the house, know what I mean?

Popcorn or candy?

I'd recommend popcorn for this one. It's salty, buttery crunch makes an ideal companion to Peter Jackson's squishy sweet images and Howard Shore's sour score. 

RAT INFESTED FERRARI

I tried to break 50 posts in 2012 in order to eclipse 2011's dismal total but instead I tied. I don't think there's anything wrong with that because a tie means everyone wins, in this case Present Glenn and Past Glenn. I guess Future Glenn wins too because if Past Glenn and Present Glenn were at each other's throats it could cause Future Glenn to turn into some sort of subterranean-dwelling gator man who sells vintage chocolate bars by night. I think Present Glenn technically wins though because....

...at the beginning of 2012 on of my hands looked like this:

My first major injury. Good thing it was my left hand and not my right foot, or else I would've had to masturbate using a complex system of oils, stretches and my inner thighs. One of my favourite parts of the whole ordeal was when I woke up from surgery. Suddenly I had the eyes of a zebra! Ha, no way. I remember two nurses wheeling me somewhere and they asked how I was doing. I said I needed to throw up so I did. All over myself. I passed out. I awoke in my room without a trace of puke on me. I felt like Frodo Baggins when he woke up in Rivendell, all cleaned up, wounds dressed. After that I found out why people love morphine so much. 

Because of my injury I had to type like this:

The beak of the beast represents my one strong hand, a reliable, hardened weapon I dubbed "The Cheek Pincher". For all you kids out there, it refers to that thing you do to cute kids if they have pudgy cheeks. For the over eighteens it means BUTT.

I guess a strong-willed warrior would've shrugged off this disability and wrote more blogs than ever before, but those warriors probably don't like TV as much as I do.

So when you all that take that into consideration I think I did pretty well. What does 2013 hold? Let's try to figure it out... together! Don't come over though, I meant Internet together. Don't you dare show up to my house.

BIG KEYS

You may not have noticed but keys have gotten smaller and smaller since days of yore when families required a team of oxen to carry their keys around for them. The oxen were tethered to the key sled by a series of chains made from whatever crap you had around the house, hence the term we still use today, "key chain". It actually wasn't even that long ago. Here's Steve Jobs with the key to Apple's first headquarters:

I think the trend will finally reverse itself this year because the old guard of blacksmiths who for years have been pressured by key lobbyists to cease production of large keys have finally started to retire. There's a new generation of young smiths eager to revert to the old ways. Just yesterday I passed by a shop that advertised old fashioned sword balls.


TASTE PICKLE BRINE LIKE WINE

Beer tastings have become as popular as wine tastings opening the door for a new contender and it's this journalist's opinion that pickle brine will be the one. At our New Year's Eve party I arranged for a small tasting and we discovered notes of red currant and meatballs in a Strubb's brine while a Bick's produced an interesting note of air coming out of a balloon on the nose. 

DEATH OF POST-IT NOTE

Mark my words, people are going to start gluing computer screens to everything, everywhere. 

ONE TIME USE TOOTHPASTE AND SUNSCREEN

If we can send a tractor to Mars, I don't think it impossible to invent a one time use toothpaste and sunscreen.Think of all the time you waste brushing your teeth and oiling yourself up when old man sunshine starts screamin'. A one time use formula would give us all more time to mess around with calligraphy.

If you've reached this point in the post and hated everything you've read, here's some past material about the New Year. You'll probably hate it too though because I made it. Get outta here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND PLEASE DO MY LAUNDRY

LAST MINUTE GIFT IDEAS

Yeah right! You should be done by now. Why should I help you? The whole point of a gift is to thoughtfully acknowledge one's existence by providing them with a material item or experience relevant to their interests, hopes or dreams. I shouldn't have even had to explain that clearly you idiot. Since you've once again neglected to come up with ideas yourself I'm instead going to help the people who have to deal with your bullshit year in and year out. When faced with an asshole looking for tips, retort with one of more of the following:

"Who doesn't love nutrients?"

"Give them the gift of life"

"Last year's calendar had some really cute Wednesdays"

"Feel free to grind up parts of my Christmas tree. It will sort of look like weed, man"

"Does she like lingerie? It's easy to make your own out of J-Cloths"

"A can of soup can easily double as fake vomit"

"A single cigarette may start a love affair that will last a lifetime"

"Two words -- onions"

"Give her a new name. I thought of a good one -- Bist"

"I always go with something authentic from planet Earth"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but gravel is all over the place and is free"

"Make some ice and pretend it's a beautiful crystal. Then get the hell out of there"

Above all, Christmas is about roast birds and shiny balls hanging from a fat, sappy tree so don't sweat the gifts too much. HA. Not true. Christmas is 90% gifts, 10% visits.

If you're currently hiding in your closet to avoid Uncle Stewart's famous penis noogies, enjoy this collection of past holiday writings courtesy of this website and the Internet Movie Database.

MEGA BIRD FIGHTS LITTLE LION

Marvell Comics Presents:

SUPERHERO PROFILE

As part of a partnership with Marvell Comics, WIDAHIA brings you the first in a series of Superhero profiles meant to increase awareness of a new roster of superheroes engineered for the fresh millennium. 

MR. ELEVATOR

Real Name - Chad Dunk
Height - 6 foot 4 and nothing more
Weight - Not bad
Hometown - The fictional town of Toilet, Manitoba
Hair Colour - Caucasian Brown
Eye Colour - Dreamboat Brown
Superhero Team - The Dunce Craps (Captain Everything wants to change it but The Improviser still thinks it's funny)
Super Power - He can fly straight up or straight down. Obviously he can't go straight down if he's standing on the ground but he did teach himself to crouch lower than most people. He also tries to have all his showdowns take place on quicksand or over a large body of water, which is why he looks like this while on duty:

 

For Christmas he wants a KitchenAid stand mixer.

Can you even imagine?

I had a villain in mind but I forgot. Let's see if we can search the memory bank and figure it out:

MEMORY BANK ACCESS

111000100010010010111001001001001110100000101010101010

....access granted

Mr. Elevator's Villlain

- Elevator goes up and down so his nemesis has to be able to combat it
- Maybe a guy who goes side to side? Dr. Horizontal? Boring?
- What's the opposite of an elevator? Escalator? No, they're cousins.People mover!

The People Mover

Not only can he fly from side to side, but he also love inspiration poetry and has a reggae band also called People Mover. Their first album? People Mover.

♫ Move my People, People I Move
Island Sound, Zion Groove
Fly left, fly right, only get high widda spliff at night ♫

Mr. Elevator tries to arrange all their battles at the airport to even the playing ground and it works fairly often. All Elevator has to do is spend a bit of cash and make People Mover believe he's won a free vacation. People Mover isn't that dumb though but he doesn't mind because the ceilings in airports are pretty low so most, if not all of their fights go like this:

- The People Mover wants to take over the world because he wants everyone to live in the tropics.
- Mr. Elevator gets wise and tricks The People Mover into arriving at the airport.
- Heading to the gate, The People Mover flaunts his mutant power by gliding alongside the actual people mover.
- He gets ambushed by Mr. Elevator and they wrestle for awhile, flying up, down, left and right.
- They declare a stalemate and decide to go on vacation together.
- They go somewhere with lots of quicksand. Another trick!
- Mr. Elevator saves the day again while beating The People Mover senseless while fighting on quicksand.

"Give me an open sky and some water or quicksand underneath my feet and I will save your planet. My planet, sorry, I'm from here too. I've never really felt at home though."
- Mr. Elevator

SHARPEN YOUR PENCILS CHILDREN, IT'S TIME TO RE-WRITE THE BIBLE

MAD, MAN

A Critical Look Into Modern Advertising

Today on Mad, Man I take issue with the latest trend in spokespeople, a trend I call the "Hyper Masculine Über-Confident Silly Magic Man".

It all started with the Old Spice guy who by using magic and nonsense, showed us that Old Spice deoderant will make girls want to rub you because you smell like "Volcano Gush". The campaign was a viral hit spawning a toy line, a cookbook as well as a half-hour children's cartoon called "Old Spicey", featuring an eponymously named storyteller telling tales of ancient noses.

"I smell like I murdered 39 Olympians for these medals, dude"

Realizing that Old Spice was eating into their profits, the Dos Equis beer company made up their own guy called "The Most Interesting Man in the World" who was a mix between the Old Spice super dude, Indiana Jones and Chuck Norris jokes from 2001. He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does he makes sure you know is puuuuure hetero. 

Since then the trend has exploded. A recent stroke-inducing incarnation is this Dairy Queen guy who just kind uses his magic to show that DQ is tasty or something. I honestly don't even know. The formula for these ads seems to be: 1) Find a guy 2) Have him perform magic 3) Say nonsense. Canadian Club whisky has this new guy called "The Chairman" who acts like Dos Equis man combined with TV's Ron Swanson and Kraft Dinner now has a Robin Hood type who makes cracks about his "orange noodle". I made the last one up because advertising is all lies.

Whatever your opinion of this trend is, you have to admit it's working a lot better than Uncle Ben's "Uncle Ben is Gay" campaign.

The Back Pages

The Human's History

I wonder if cavemen made the food - poo connection. Who were the first humans to figure it out? Poo is so different from food that I bet it took awhile. Egyptians I bet. 

Food for Thought

A "dick fart" is piss steam. 

IN THE NAME OF THE PRINCE PLEASE STOP QUACKING

Yesterday was 12/12/12, a date that apparently puts into motion some sort of apocalypse that will happen 21st. Who told us this? Those lizard-kissing chocolate masters, the Mayans. I don't believe that anything out of the ordinary will happen that day because like most civilizations that existed thousands of years ago, the Mayans were stupid compared to us. Sure, they built some great temples, invented an impressive written language complete with swears and several different words for "right on!", but that's about it. Ask a Mayan what the sun is, videotape it, and BANG you've won the grand prize on the season finale of AFV. Tom Bergeron whispers in your ear, "Don't spend all the dough on gum, save some for more permanent chewables". Then you're whisked away backstage where you're greeted by a Mr. Christie's snack tray featuring a prototype cookie called The Boogie Woogie Chew Chew Chocolate Chunk Champion - They got rice in 'em.

I happened to catch an episode of Ancient Aliens on the subject of the Mayan apocalypse and one alien discussed the significance of the location of the prophecies. I'm paraphrasing but he said something like, “Why would they write a date on a brick, put it in a cave and turn it backwards?”.

Because they were idiots. Think of how you spend the day -- you wake up, you read the news, you get on a streetcar, you buy pears, you go to work, you use a computer, you rank babies in order of potential for becoming a dentist etc. etc. Your neighbour probably does something entirely different because maybe he's a brick layer and you're just the captain of a hot air balloon team. The point is a Mayan's life was far simpler. The only things to do were cook, fight, shit, get bitten by something, stick your dick in something, write on bricks and play drums.

Another expert explained how the Mayans must have got all this information from aliens. He said "Their tablets speak of things in the sky." I know what those were -- birds, stars, the sun, the moon, dust, flower petals -- but they sure didn't.

On top of that, think of how often Mayans were poisoned either from plant life or from a jungle creature. There's still tons of scary things out there today, but imagine how many more there were back then before we started ripping apart rain forests to build smoke factories? They get poisoned so often that they probably hallucinated like crazy all the time. If Timothy Leary was on LSD and prophesied the end of the world back in the sixties, I don't think anyone would've taken him seriously and he definitely knew what the moon was.



In conclusion, the Mayan apocolypse prophecy was the result of a guy getting bit by a toad. He started hallucinating, found a brick, wrote some numbers down, saw a few birds, hid the brick, went to bed and did it all again the next day. There. End of argument. Now it's time to get excited for the release of THE HOBBIT. Here's a Tolkien-esque song in celebration:

Fantasy Party

The wind blows hard and the leafs grow green
And the Elves play songs with their tambourines

The night is cold and the stars glow white
Whoa, a dwarf and a man just got in a fight

The man is taller but the dwarf is sturdy
These books are long, the geography wordy

The dwarf gets knocked on his little bum
The man barfs bread out of his regular tum

Everyone laughs, a hobbit arrives late
A wizard piles turnips on a magic plate

What were turnips before are now something better
They are still turnips but now they're coverered in cheddar...

...cheese, sauce, across the room there's Bilbo, motherfuckers been acting like a chick without a dildo.
smoke that shire shit, wash it down with ale, Gollum's on your fuckin trail, he wants his shit back and he will attack even though he's frail and pale he's the king of bling, once a lord of the ring, gus fring, breaking bad, Walter white world's worst dad, 2012 Hobbit, Peter Jackson New Zealand STAND UP keep your guns shiny and your hoes tiny

RIGHT THERE! SEE? THE BABY HAS A FANG

My beautiful city of Toronto has faced its fair share of thumb downers over the last little while:


- All of our sports teams are bad
- Our mayor is/was a dumper
- Traffic!
- Hockey is cancelled
- We have no Premier
- There's still like, no Wendy's restaurants downtown

All this has a guy feeling like there isn't much worth goin' outside for.

But like most government approved waterslides, city life has its ups and downs and sometimes it gets peed on. Thankfully, over the past few weeks things seem to be getting slightly better. FINALLY. I can only enjoy the dinosaurs at the ROM so much before I give them little names and treat them as my cousins. In August I bought a stegosaurus a box of Pot of Gold chocolates.

If you don't live in Toronto and don't care, please proceed to Section 91 for alternative material that's geared toward a more global audience. 

Details

First, our beloved Blue Jays managed to obtain some top notch talent meaning the Rogers Centre may finally become a place we don't associate with boredom and crud. The optimist in me envisions full crowds, first places and championships while the pessimist that lives somewhere near my butt is yelling in its raspy, gassy voice, "They're all going to get hurt!". In any case, my friends and I rolled the dice and bought season tickets. I hope that means you can live in your seat because I just sold all my stuff to buy a stale-beer powered George Foreman grill, a nice sleeping bag and that thing in Waterworld that turns you pee into water-flavoured pee.

THEN the Toronto Argonauts won the 100th Grey Cup. In celebration I drank of cup of Earl Grey and cooked a football stuffed with trout for dinner. The football is to represent football and the trout is something an actual Argonaut might like to eat on his birthday.

THEN our mayor got removed from office.The big guy messed up and everyone I know is happy. What's next for the man Toronto Life described as "Mayor Marshmallow Man"? Oh probably a nice bath, a Hardy Boys adventure and a chocolate cigar.

THEN a monkey in a coat was spotted in a local IKEA, giving us some much needed Internet cred, while cementing our reputation as a multicultural mecca.

What's next a Costco in the Portlands?

SECTION 91

What's up with winter? I mean, I have headphones but I want to wear earmuffs. Are headphones earmuffs? And scarfs? More like big handkerchiefs. You're going to give a guy the snot neck from Christmas' sake. And Christmas? What a great time to be rich, you know! Remember that John Lennon song, "It's Tough Bein' Poor on Christmas"? No, you don't because Prince Charles banned it. Truth is the currency of the world and unfortunately most truth is stuffed in the oversized wallets of the elite. If you live in a region where winter is that time of year when you harvest pineapple, proceed to Section Y.


SECTION Y

Blog Photoshop School Special

Welcome to Photoshop school where I teach you the art of using a computer to complete tasks that were once limited to stuck-up, talented, hands-on artists.Your first project is to re-create one of the most classic Photoshop gags of all time -- putting your own ugly face on the cover of People's "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. Just do this:

DUCK DUCK WOOOOF

I was perusing my blog stats today and I noticed that the number of posts per year have declined significantly since my heyday back in 2009. There are several reasons for this but the biggest is probably the fact that  this millionaire threatened to fill my house with snakes if I didn't satisfy his cravings for top notch Internet entertainment. In 2010 he was killed by a janitor who was being forced by the millionaire to spray paint pro-steak graffiti all over Chicago. Remember that? It started a brief war between tofu lobbyists and the Beef Brigade that culminated in a historic peace meal at Wrigley Field. If you subscribe to National Geographic you'll know all the details, but basically there was a hot table set up at each base and an umpire brandishing a 2x4 to make sure everyone got along.

Anyway, I noticed that last year I wrote a total of 50 posts. Not bad. That works out to around 25 posts a month, per day. This year I'm sitting at a lean 44 with but 20 moons left. My goal is to beat that total just in case a potential employer comes around and notices that my style  is to peak early then steadily decline. Guess I'd guess I'd have no problem getting hired at Hewlett-Packard!

I could just stop here and allow the above to count as post 45 but that would be cheating and people who cheat end up in embarrassing themselves at belching contests because who would cheat at a belching contest? Ahaha, joking, I did. You know how? No, beans are legal. I wore a big coat and filled it with beavers.

glennslist.org


Alligator Shoes?

Date: 2012-12-11, 12:10PM EST

I'm seeking footage of a man or woman wearing regular-sized alligators as shoes. Picture this - one gator on each foot and some sort of rein system. I bet you a hundred dollies that Julius Caesar tried this at least once.

Was it James Bond or Indiana Jones who rides an alligator down a snowy hill like it were a common sled?

• Location: Toronto
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• it IS ok to contact this poster with grocery store recommendations especially any new dairy type shit

How do u throw out soup?

Date: 2012-12-11, 12:00PM EST

I was home alone this past weekend and I found myself hungry for soup. I had one of those large cans of Habitant on hand and even though it would be too much for one man to eat, I made it anyway. Obviously I didn't finish the whole thing but when it came time to dispose of it I didn't know what to do.

Do you just throw the whole thing out in the garbage? I don't like this option because I like my garbage to remain dry. Moisture and garbage go together like water and mogwais, know what I mean?

Do you throw the whole thing down the drain? A minestrone is a hearty soup filled with beans and pasta. I don't like the idea of a sink clog due to soup.

Do you first strain the liquid into the sink then throw out the chunks? I think this is the correct answer, but if it is then how come you never see them do it in movies?

• Location: Toronto
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• it IS ok to contact this poster with invitations to parties where the only stipulation is guests bring sleeping bags.

DUST FOR PRINTS BUT SAVE THE DUST WE HAVE A HAUNTED HOUSE TO DRESS

MOVIE REVIEW -- JAMES BOND'S SKYFALL

James Bond Part 23 was a really fun movie with everything you like about the popular British sex machine. He shoots guns, drives vehicles really well, never seems to eat and bonks every attractive female he comes across. The villain was also great, this time portrayed by Javier Bardem, one of Hollywood's scariest Spaniards. There's this one part where he takes out his fake teeth because his real teeth are all messed up and it was very gross! You don't want your villains to be pretty, trust me. Just ask James Cameron if he regrets casting Billy Zane as the evil boatman in Titanic. He'd tell you, "Yes, I wish I had've hired this waiter at Denny's that I know of. Never have a seen a wartier neck."

This time around our main man Bond has to stop Bardem from killing his boss, M, played by Judi Dench who is so old she remembers a time when humans could eat rocks no problem. Kidding, she looks great for 160. Kidding, for real, kidding. There isn't that much more to say other than that. Sam Mendes did a great job telling everyone where to stand and how to walk and Adele wrote a cool song called "Skyfall", which is the perfect title for a movie called "Skyfall". 

Let's just cut the chase here -- James Bond's penis. There's one scene in Skyfall where our hero sneaks into a babe's shower and instantly bangs her even though they'd only had one conversation prior. Here's what I want to know -- did he give himself a boner well before he stepped into the shower or did he wait until the last second, inflating the balloon just before the ordeal was officially deemed "sex". He knows what women want and I don't so I can't say for sure. I'm willing to bet he waited. But he is a famous killing machine so there's a good "shot" he went "in" to the shower "fully loaded". 

With this latest incarnation of James Bond played by Daniel Craig, they've played around with all the classic James Bond characters and gadgets and stuff, but they still haven't addressed his penis. Here's how the next movie should go:

- We open as James Bond chases a man on a camel up the walls of the Great Pyramind of Giza. 

- As Bond reaches the apex of the pyramid, he looks down the other side and the culprit has disappared.

- He slides down the pyramid but when he reaches the bottom he falls through a secret passage. 

- A big snake bites off part of his dick but he still manages to shoot the man and retrieve the big crown  he was chasin'.

- Back at MI6 M tells Bond he needs a vacation. They both decide that Utah would be nice. 

- When he gets to Utah he goes to grab a burger and immediately wants to bang the cashier.

- He meets her in the bathroom, they start kissing but Bond remembers he only has half a dick.

- He rides his motorcycle into the desert.

- After eating cacti and snorting snake venom for a week straight, Bond is found passed out by a hippie who drags him into his igloo made of mud. 

- He helps Bond get over his addictions and Bond finally opens up and discusses his lost dick. 

- The hippie says he has lots of old dicks he's collected over the years and that Bond can have one. 

- He picks one that used to belong to a drag racer named Piston. 

- Bond begins his training again and re-learns how to use his dick like a pro -- Boner control, odd tricks, puppetry, and regular peeing.

- Bond heads back to England, bangs 200 girls in 48 hours then heads to a match between Chelsea and Tottenham. 

- A villain interupts the game and says he'll blow up the whole city unless someone willingly gives up their own dick. 

- Bond gives up his new dick because he can just go back to Utah and get a new one. 

JAMES BOND 007 in White Eclipse