I WANT TO BE THE GUY WHO ALWAYS HAS WINE GUMS

Instead of flying to Vancouver last weekend to visit my pals Bob Costas and Nelly Furtado, who are working an Olympics, I decided my time would be better spent in Sarnia, Ontario. There was something about Sarnia's tourism literature, which spoke highly of its many french fry trucks, downtown flea markets and nine screen movie theatre, that really drew me in, making me forget about Vancouver's natural beauty and cosmopolitan appeal.

Oh friends, yeah right I know Bob Costas. I actually went to visit Liv's real family and we had a nice little time visiting, relaxing and going to downtown flea markets and a nine screen movie theatre.

I love flea markets, so going to them was probably better than standing around in Vancouver's downtown streets surrounded by disease ridden foreigners, annoying speed skating fans and worst of all, bleeding heart nationalists dead set on world sport domination. You can usually judge a flea market by the following factors:

1. Smell - The best flea markets smell like urine and must. Sarnia's were no exception, and one even smelled like farts thanks to an impatient old lady.

Avoid corporate flea markets

2. Staff - The staff should either be huge dicks who follow you around, asking if you're going to buy anything, or unusually nice, simple folk with questionable fashion sense and a fondness for stupid crap. Or just an old guy. Luckily, Sarnia's were employed by the latter two, except this one guy at a video game booth who looked like Mose Schrute from The Office and who sneered like a professional.

3. Stuff - I guess this factor varies depending on what kind of stuff you like, but I happen to enjoy dirty old clothes, Nintendo games, sports memorabilia, electronics that time forgot, toys that time forgot and if a flea market has its own restaurant I really smile. The Dixie Mall flea market has one, as does this one in Sarnia, which was just about the cutest thing I ever saw. It was rammed, with people enjoying fried egg sandwiches and hot hamburgers. Next time we go we're going to eat there and I'm going to take a lot of pictures just for you and yours.

I ended buying a Patrick Ewing Starting Lineup figure in package for $10 and Liv bought this constellation globe and a Polaroid camera. I should've bought this handsome Chicago Blackhawks corduroy jacket, but since there wasn't a mirror I couldn't properly estimate my sex appeal whilst wearing it.

Now lets all get scared for hockey!