DABBLE IN APPLES

I'm definitely thankful for the butt-load of of everything in my life that isn't shitty, which, thankfully, is most of it. I have the best family and friends and even my enemies are stylish and know how to party, so really I should be spending this Thanksgiving weekend throwing up leaves and singing Lightfoot tunes to the homeless. Since I do things my own way with a touch of traditionalism, I instead celebrated by eating a bunch of birds, watching a dude-certified amount of sports, and cavorting with aforementioned family and friends.

Today being the last day of the "nice holiday", I've been trying to get things done around here. Not all things, I mean the toilet could use a scrub and there are hats everywhere, but still. In the process of completin' shit, some minor frustrations have arisen, and since I'm thankful for everything I thought I'd highlight some stuff I'm not thankful for just to make you realize that I'm no angel.

"Hi there...mmmmmm...welcome to the new world"

1. That shitty oil residue - When you like frying stuff in oil like me and Paula Deen and you don't have a hood above your range like me and Chuck D, you end up with all this sticky greasy stuff all over your damn kitchen. Today I was looking for mouse turds when I noticed a particularly gross patch above our cabinets where we keep an assortment of decorations to keep me inspired while I make spaghetti. Now my Gizmo doll, Pee Wee Doll, Masters of the Universe Lunchbox, oversized dragon stein and Lord of the Rings pewter Ent goblet are covered in this shit, and I'm all like "is there a product out there that will gently clean these possessions? Will I clean them before I leave this apartment? I'm going to mad if I move and I take that stuff down and remember that I forgot".

UPDATE

I wrote that earlier. I took all that stuff down and when I was trying to wash the Gizmo doll his head fell off and now all of a sudden my day has gone Toy Story and I can't get Randy Newman out of my head.

You know why the body likes gravy so much? Because it's basically already poo.

I got distracted by that thought. The not thankful for list will be discontinued, and I'm not sad about toys anymore.