IF I SHRUNK I'D MOSTLY HANG OUT UNDER THE BED

Similar to every other human rite of passage, the act of dying comes equipped with standards and traditions that have been passed down through the ages by pre-corpses the world over.

A dying human's last words and last meal are the same as a human wedding's vows and big cake - they're both anticipated ceremonial elements, homogenized to the point where a couple in Atlanta can have pretty much the same wedding as the damn Prince of England! Back in the old days when chivalry was today's "has an iPhone" and apples were as big as a horse's head, this would be unheard of.

When I'm ready to die, I want to be like the guy who gets married to a Pokemon while SCUBA diving, the ceremony presided over by a priest dressed as Gandalf. Last words and last meal? Trite. There's so many better "lasts" out there.

Last words are bullshit. Yeah right the most famous people don't plan that stuff because a famous person's reputation and mystique is what makes them famous. And even if they don't plan out their last words on purpose, it's bound to enter their mind at some point, especially if they know they're going to croak. I'm only a man of 30 and I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind. The only trouble is that whenever I think of what I might say, it's usually in jest, which is all well and good now, I mean I want my mind to enjoy a healthy dose of har hars between all the complex equations and ancient rune definitions that are in there, but what about later on? If I don't stop joking with myself that the best last words are...

"5. 4. 3. 2. 1... still here, oops"

...then there's a good chance that when it's time to stop being, I'll panic and just blurt it out even if it was originally designed for my own amusement. I think I'll probably just go with:

"Shit!"

The "last meal" is also problematic. It's a fine thing for death row inmates who eat frogs all day and don't have access to fun things like calculators and travel mugs, they'll take anything they can get. Those who invented the death penalty were like "we gotta give them something before we murder them, let's just feed them slightly better than usual, tell them to shut up then sick the owl on them". It didn't work too well at first because after the meal, inmates would ask for desert, then the warden would be like "you didn't ask" then the prisoners would end up eating the executioner owl and there goes the budget.

"You can't eat an electric chair" - Innovative Warden

For all law-abiding citizens, the last meal just doesn't work and most of it comes down to timing. If you don't know exactly when you're going to die, the last meal is going to be a letdown. Here's why: if you jump the gun and eat too soon before you're reaped, you'll get hungry again and then you're left with three choices: eat the same last meal again, pick an entirely new one and eat that or just don't eat again.

Choose option A and you run the risk of getting tired of your last meal, a meal which by definition contains your favourite foods. You want to get to heaven and have access to unlimited lobsters only to realize you're sick of them?

Option B is utter horseshit. The whole point of the last meal is to pick one complete meal of all-stars. You're cheating yourself if you end up using your bench players and pretend they're your superstars. That's not what wins championships.

You could be stubborn and decide that the last meal is the last meal no matter what. The big problem with this choice is that if you're dying of something neat, like a witch bite, you may actually negate it by dying of hunger, which isn't exactly in vogue right now.

Having a last meal also comes at the expense of last poo. Some folk believe that in a perfect world, our last meal would be poo and then our last poo would be food, but unfortunately the aliens that invented us didn't know how to party. Anyway, what I mean is that if your last meal was amazing, your last poo turns into an extra goodbye. Whereas, if you were to eat say, sandpaper and glue as your last meal, your last poo is going to be a going away party, an all-out celebration of ridding your body of bad stuff, which in essence is what pooing is all about. Has there ever been a movie where the torture is have a guy eat sandpaper then poo it out? If not, called it.

If last words and last meals aren't going to be a part of your deathbed routine, why not add these to your repertoire of  lasts? You know what they say -- dying is easy, dying cool is hard.

Last haircut

Make your last haircut count, man. If you've always gone to barbers, go see a stylist in a salon. You won't like their magazines or lack of framed sports photos and naked lady calendars, but you'll love the way they wash your hair and come up with new ideas for your head. I once went to a salon and got a haircut called "The Ferret's Brother" and when I left three sexy women approached me and asked for gum. If you're used to salons, go find a barbershop! You'll miss the cleanliness and salon-quality products, but you'll love hearing new swearwords you've never heard before and it may change your opinion of Italians one way or the other. 

Last pitch

I'm already practicing a curve ball that I plan on pitching to the person I hate the most at the time of my impending death. If I succeed and strike him or her out, milks are on me.

Last email

Do it big. Add the biggest attachment you can fit, and don't be scared to mess around with HTML

Last lists

It would be very comforting creating lists of your favourites just before you die because it's the definitive guide. A lot of people say "my favourite soap OF ALL TIME is Zest" and yet they go on living another 50 years and become a Lever person. Also, it benefits your loved ones to have a record of you so they can properly discuss you once you're gone. "Oh, he sounded like a great guy. What kind of music did he like?" *checks list* "Butthole Surfers and all reggae".

Last insult

It's all well and good to be thought of as an angel when you die, but legacies are like pizzas -- they taste great with just vegetables, but become unforgettable once you add meat. People will probably remember you better if you go out in style and insult someone with a well thought-out burn. I can't reveal mine because I'm still working on it, but it does exploit humans' natural self-consciousness toward their own nostrils.