HIPPIES THAT LOVE SPORTS CARS

THING YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED THAT YOU SHOULDN'T

Nouveau Tags

Have any of you hamburgers ever noticed that tag technology has advanced? It seems that classic piece of itchy, sharp material has given way to the painted on tag, which is something you shouldn't ignore. Rejoice! Sing the praises of the Hanes' and Fruit of the Looms' of the world and curse those who haven't yet adapted. Or if you get a regular tag just cut it off, I don't care. But yeah, take a shirt with a nouveau tag back in time and give it to the friendly blacksmith or the evil sorcerer and they'll bless you a thousand times. The blacksmith will give you a sssssick sword and the sorcerer will conjure you a sexual delight or turn your brass buttons into dubloons or serpents depending on how bad of a dude he is.

BLOG NEWS

I realized that yesterday's post was kind of genre specific, so I apologize to any regular readers who don't like TV and who came here for a rollick but instead got a bunch of complaints about a family they know nothing about. Or maybe I don't have to apologize. I don't owe you anything. In fact, you owe ME. Take me out or just send some new threads (I need new shirts).

PERSONAL NEWS

I've settled into a pretty good little daily routine as of late, but I'm scared I'm going to get sick of it. I haven't performed comedy in a while, which feels kind of shitty, but I've supplemented this with regular post-work writing sessions, which feels magically delicious.

My stomach condition appears to be improving thanks to a well balanced diet of things that aren't grease. For awhile there I couldn't even drink beer without getting next day stomach gurgs and butt storms. This past weekend I indulged in some brew because of sunny weather and good comedy and I came out of it with smiles and thumbs up. Are things on the upswing? Have my fortunes changed? Find out this summer by checking out GI JOE - The Rise of Cobra.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL WORLD, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL TREE

I apologize to those who never watch the show Jon and Kate Plus 8 because that's what today's post is all about. How about you check out this classic post instead, while the rest of us curl up in our jammies beside the fire with some health concious snacks and a wide selection of PC Blue Menu entrees while we talk about TV.


The season premiere was ELECTRIFYING. I'd been looking forward to it for a couple of weeks and it surpassed all expectations. I think it was something the public had never really seen before in reality TV, which was a reality TV family breaking the fourth wall and talking about how famous they've become and how much it "sucks". That being said, it was also very uncomfortable at times because they were sharing very private things that should probably stay private.

I spent most of the show trying to figure out how real it actually was. The last couple of weeks, the news media has been buzzing about rumours of how the show is all set up and how Jon and Kate have been separated for a long time and all that. I first noticed a difference in the show around the time those commercials with that dumb song about beautiful things came on and they moved into that MANSION. The new house feels like it's a compound specifically designed for the kids, like that studio world they built in "The Truman Show".

Instead of elaborating and writing a coherent, well thought out argument, here are some stray observations:

- Kate seemed totally disconnected from her kids and half the stuff she said sounded scripted. She didn't take ANY blame for anything and portrayed herself as a victim even though she lives in a mansion and wears expensive looking clothes everywhere she goes. She must have mentioned how "tired" and alone she felt like a million times. She hasn't clued in to the fact that no one feels bad for the rich and famous unless a real tragedy is involved and that hasn't really happened yet, so NO PITY.

- Jon was the only one on the show who seemed genuine and you can tell he's sick of the whole thing. It seemed to me the show was trying to make him look bad, like the scene where he's talking about how he just lets the boys fight and throw things at each other. He also looked like a single dad - driving a sports coupe, wearing shades and a dirty old fleece coat.


- I think they put Mady on ritalin this season.


- Hearing Kate complain about papparazi is silly because her kids have grown up with cameras in their face. The kids can't tell the difference and quite frankly, there isn't any. Same goes when they were at the party and Kate says something to the guests about the photographers. I'll bet they were probably more uncomfortable with the booms mics in their faces and the producers telling them where to stand.

- If this season premiere was an attempt to get the press to leave them alone, an ambiguous ending leaving the public wanting more was the wrong way to do it. So either they're lying fame whores or they're complete morons.

In the end, the kids are the victims and they were cuter than ever on the season premiere. It's seems pretty much a guarantee that one in eight will grow to abuse drugs or alcohol or something like that. I blame Kate. I still like the laid back attitude of Jon.

DUST BUSTERS AND OTHER HISTORICAL STINKIES

Yesterday I was in the bathroom to get some water to feed my plants, when I saw a huge wasp or bee in the sink. I don't hate bees that much, but I'd rather they left me alone, so when I saw one of the hive's most brawny soldiers buzzing all up in my wash basin, I drew the line.

They can sting and buzz and fly and pollinate and have fun all over the outdoors for all I care, but houses and plumbing are human inventions and thus human domains, places where bugs are fugitives and we are the law. In our homes we operate under the laws of Darwin, and since we're the biggest, strongest beings around next to great apes, bears and jungle cats, it's not uncommon for a bug to be sentenced to death over a simple trespassing charge.

So yeah, I washed his striped ass down the sink... or so I thought. When I went back to the sink after watering a plant, the yellow and black son of a queen had managed to somehow crawl its way back up. It was frantically flapping its wings to get dry and presumably fly at me for a death sting, so I smacked it with a magazine and went on with my day.

The moral of this story is to never quit. And if an ape, a bear or a jungle cat end up in your house or your sink, it's fair game. You'll probably end up getting eaten and there's nothing you can do about it unless you know magic or how to fight large creatures.


INTERNET UPDATE with your host Ponm Hasgrovve

Hi I'm Ponm, host of this new segment called "INTERNET UPDATE" made possible by a generous grant from Kellogg's and the New Hampshire Institute of Automobiles.

Recently, popular Canadian newspaper for grandpas, "The Globe and Mail" updated their website with a new look. BONER ALERT. When I checked it out for myself, I found this curious graphic on a sidebar, which I took a screen shot of:

If I were running my own popular news site, which I of course will one day, I wouldn't publicize the new "look" using a picture of the site superimposed with a weird lookin' dude who looks like he just ate lemons. It sort of 'sours' the whole thing. I write for Wired, no big deal. It's like if the New York Yankees publicized their brand new stadium with this:

New Yankee Stadium. Bike Courier Todd Snell has more, Section A1

Thank you!

I CURSED THIS BEE ONCE AND HE GOT BACK AT ME JUST BY IGNORING ME FOR AWHILE AND IT WORKED

This weekend went by so fast that all I saw of it was a quick flash of its purple Utah Jazz throwback jersey before speeding away into the night like a flock of hawks. That's a two-fold analogy because a flock of hawks is fast like the fast weekend, and it's totally fake because hawks don't fly that way which relates to the fake premise that the "weekend" was wearing a basketball shirt in the first place.

Seriously you reader, I barely had time to put on my patio boots and my socializing belt before Sunday night rolled around when I had to change into my sleeping glove and my work rings. I'm writing this at midnight and there's the ominous sound of a church bell ringing in the distance signaling the demise of temporary carefree living and eating out at restaurants. That means the weekend is over for all you Dutch out there.

The weekend was Liv's birthday weekend, her actual life anniversary being Saturday. I spent most of the weekend pampering to her every need and singing her love songs whilst stark raving nude, except one of those little robber masks, which she finds absolutely tantalizing. In reality we took it pretty easy, except Friday when I broke off on my own to see Andy Kindler at Comedy Bar, which was a laugh hose of smiles. On Saturday we had a rousing round of Klaus Teuber's "Settlers of Catan" with some dudes and then went to the Keg for good steaks, good friends, the Keg, see you tonight. We came home and tried to watch Evil Dead 2 but Liv got nauseous because she slammed too much wine and I fell asleep like a sleepy bear who's full of summer meat.

On Sunday my dad took us to the AGO because he's a member and because we live down the street. We had a wonderful little time looking at paint and then ate some sandwiches courtesy of an Italian restaurant on Baldwin. When we got home we put on some records and drank Mexican beer all afternoon until it was time to go to Comedy Bar to see Sunday Night Live.

That's it. That's the flash of a weekend. I couldn't be more piffed about going to work tomorrow, but in the words of Abraham Lincoln, "that's the way the cookie is", so I'm going to pull up my business casual socks, go in there and give infinity percent. That's what the Hardy Boys would do and they're richer than your wildest dreams.

Don't forget to watch the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8 tonight and watch a train wreck of a family! I'm going to watch it and maybe talk to you about it on a later episode of this blog, which I'm now calling "Gone and Ate Plus Fate" which is about eating and fate. Jon and Kate plus HATE - Mondays on that channel that shows the lives of short people and chicks who pump out kids as often as they normal people have barbeques with friends.

WEAR YOUR KILT WITH THE ORANGE BUGGIES ON IT

STORIES FROM THE BLACK BARN

Spooky tales to ruin your heart!

Intense fables to fry your ribs!

Crazy narratives to nudge your fudge and bake your rake!

Chapter 96 - Chapters

I went to Chapters book store today to buy some gifts and when I got in line I said to myself "What's the holdup brother?!" I noticed an overweight lady at the cash register who seemed to be nit picking her bill while there were like 10 people in line behind her patiently waiting. I recognized this lady from earlier in my trip when I was on the second floor of the two floor store and noticed the suspect and her portly friend getting on the elevator to go down one floor! I'm pretty sure the elevator is there for the elderly and the disabled. These two were overweight, but they were by no means morbidly obese.

As I approached the cash I managed to figure out what the fuss was all about. Apparently the friendly cashier had sold this lady on a Chapters membership/rewards program kind of thing that grants the customer a discount every time he or she buys something. It took a while for the cashier to explain all this and the lady finally agreed after the cashier was forced to prove it was a good deal by showing her the screen displaying the money she'd save on her purchase. So it seemed everything was cool and we could all get on with our days.

I thought wrong. When all was said and done she saw her final bill and was outraged that the membership card COST MONEY. She wrongfully assumed that entry into this discount program was free just like everything else in life. Furious, she wanted her money back and her membership revoked, which is apparently not very simple because the friendly cashier had to call a manager or top book guy or something to authorize it or something. At this point I was already cashed out via the register next to the one with all the action and I left before I got to see any more ridiculousness go down. I assume the lady would've been there for at least another ten minutes, because I'll bet the protocol for revoking one of these memberships isn't fresh in the staff's head since most people who sign up must have the insight to realize it isn't free, and once someone has payed for one, why would they ever cancel it? That's the question I'll leave you with.

Next time on STORIES FROM THE BLACK BARN

We delve deep into the bowels of the human brain's butt channel! A terrifying ruse that takes place probably in a mall again, I don't know yet. That's where the dumbest stuff is! MUAHAFHARDHAOP!

Bonus Features

I usually wouldn't have specifically pointed out this lady's weight, but I thought the elevator story gave a nice spice to the tale, adding more depth of flavour to how annoying this lady truly seemed.

JUST THINKING ABOUT MY NEW BEAR MAKES ME SMILE

Put away your slop buckets and radish trimmers, it's time once again for a classic LIVEJOURNAL POSTING FROM THE PAST. By re-posting these you get a glimpse into my storied history and it allows me to catch up on my baking. Today I got some blackberry caramel gummi bear shim shims going at 425 degrees for 4 hours. I'm going to make a homemade honey tulip glaze when they're all done.

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[20 Oct 2004|06:51pm]

Ladies and gentlemen, behold the worst MSN nickname ever!

*InA*BoLiNa* kae:cuppycake, navITA: joe louis,deen: pumpieumpkin,shawn: Sugarplum... Danielle:ur my dear! LIV: myPITA!

hmmmmm yeah.. it belongs to my roommate who is actually very sweet, although somehow she managed to combine both the stupidity of nicknames with that of bad yearbook quotes. Perhaps this is a new phenomenon... I don't know too many 18 year old gurlz so who knowz~$$*)!? I

Last week I saw this dude at the grocery store who dressed like "Survivor". He had a Red Sox hat, just like that survivor man from Boston, he had curly hair like Ethan, hadn't shaved for days, he had an ACTUAL "Survivor" head thingy around his neck, a rain coat and some hiking boots. This guy must think it's REALLY cool to be on survivor. He also bought like 50 bags of cookies.

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My last year of school we wanted to stay in our house but were forced to find 2 new roommates. We got these two young girls who didn't know how to recycle. The girl who owned that MSN name left Vagisil all over the bathroom and would have sex really loud. I can't speak for the Survivor fan.

Have you had that new Barenaked Ladies ice cream? If you're not a moron who likes things that are the best, then you'll probably like it as much as I do.

TRANSMISSION SEVERED - A lobster with sunglasses has eaten your internet cable.

BYE BYE

ACHING TO GET OUT OF THIS MICROWAVE

If you're anything like me, you visit the news stand once a month to pick up a bag of Spitz dill pickle sunflower seeds, three Crunchie Bars, and the latest issue of Vanity Fair magazine. This month's issue has a spread that profiles a whole bunch of rich, young, attractive heirs and heiresses, which I will now talk about a bit.

That 'spread' link up there actually links to the article, it's not like a thing that will take you to a picture of marmalade or anything like that. Stop freaking out.

Anyway, when flipping through this thing I mostly took notice of the occupations that each of these lucky dogs have because these guys don't need to work so they could basically choose to do anything they want. It's like when you buy a Crush Rainbow Pack and get to observe people's taste in soda. Grape loses most of the time. Grape is the factory job of the Rainbow Pack. I of course also checked out how hot they were.

It seems most of these people are in fashion or some sort of art like acting. The fashion thing really bothered me because it seems to be this sort of club full of rich, attractive people who give each other high paying jobs that involve choosing some other rich person's pants. "The Hills" would be a good example of the same thing, although it's more a TV show than a real life depiction of 'work'. I'm not talking about the whole fashion industry, just that upper crust that only the privileged and connected seem to gain entrance to.

I think the artists are alright because I like art and you have to be talented to be recognized, so they can't just ask daddy for a job or anything like that. The best guys were those who chose to be philanthropists for obvious reasons.

I think the reason why this article kind of irked me is because I hate it when people get recognized for just being who they are rather than what they accomplish. Some of these people have accomplished a lot but only because of their pedigree. I'm more interested in people who come from nothing to achieve things. I'm also jealous. Big time irk on that one. Full admits.

Let's put opinions aside and instead talk about something stupid and gross.

Want to picture something really gross? Imagine someone is sitting on the toilet doing the thing you do on the toilet and then they get someone else to sit on their lap and do the same thing between their legs? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOSSS. I bet someone has done that. Let's call it the "Ice Cream Sandwich".

TREATS FOR TERRY AND BUGS FOR DON DON

How did I spend my Victoria Day long weekend? By worshiping the Queen of course! I spent the bulk of the weekend sculpting a bust of the late, plump monarch out of plaster of Paris. When I was done I took it over to a local pub where I donated it along with $5,000 cash to support the Empire. The rest of the weekend I make a mosaic out of bottle caps. That had nothing to do with the Queen really, I just felt like being a crazy guy.

In real life I had a pretty good weekend. On Saturday we made Big Burgers in lieu of my friend Scott's birthday. Here is visual proof to stymie your doubts and entice your tum tum

The one on the left is the "Mexican Swine Flu" burger with a pork/sausage/beef patty, topped with pulled pork, fried tortilla, salsa, re-fried beans, avocado and some other Mexican treats, and the one on the right is the "Tally Ho" burger inspired by the famous Hamilton roast beef sandwich restaurant of the same name. It featured an all beef patty seasoned with salt, pepper, bbq sauce and oregano, topped with shaved roast beef and gravy served on an olive focaccia loaf in honour of the Greek ladies who work at the place and pump gravy so generously that you called call them the Mother Teresas of beef and gravy and burgers and fries.

We went to the Rhino after that and partied just fine post burgers and all was well.

On Sunday I went to see Star Trek (good bean) and went out for dinner for my mom's birthday. I had black cod. Then I went to Sunday Night Live to laugh but I felt tired and shitty so I didn't party too much after.

MONDAY HOLIDAY MONDAY was a good little package, starting with a trip to Best Buy to buy some Lord of the Rings movies and a Powerade for the tennis match I was to play with my sister that afternoon. And I bought some sweat slacks from Mark's Work Wearhouse. I think I got the last mediums in the whole joint.

My sister and I had a great little sports game of the popular racquet sport, which we're fairly evenly matched at, even though I won straight sets. My serve was workin' like an honorable man with 8 kids to feed and he works at a plant and it's tough work.

Post match I ran into some friends en route to the market where I was to buy food for living and saw Michael Cera leaving 'Saving Grace' a place that has good eggs apparently. I then did some writing, made dinner and watched hockey along with the Survivor marathon on TVtropolis. which is a city made out of TVs and run by a mayor with a camera for a head. His name is "Chip".

MANIC MONDAY MOVIE MOAT

Welcome to the moat!

Here's a video that this guy Stein showed me. It's sort of like watching Celebrity Jeopary on SNL. The best part is Little Richard at the end and when they can't solve a very obvious puzzle:

A MESSAGE ON HOLIDAY MONDAY

Hi Canada, happy Victoria Day

FRIDAY MAIL BAG

Hello over there!

Post Master Eli here with a special delivery of mail. Here's a joke - What's the difference between real mail and 'e-mail'? Elbow Grease and a soul, that's what. This is the first time I've ever used a computer and let me tell you something, it pales in comparison to a cup of coffee, a loaf of bread and a shit load of ducks if you know what I mean. I meant a day in the park feeding ducks if you didn't.

Anyway, business calls! Glenn asked me to transmit these real letters over the cyber net for you to enjoy and I'm not one to shy away from my duties, unlike the lazy, pimple faced rubes who use computers to do everything for them. Can a computer tie your shoes and bake your Sunday pie? I don't think so. Well, I gotta run. See you next March and remember to tip your cap to your local postal workers next time you see them. They're the most important people in the world.

Regards,

Post Master Eli


Dear Blog,

I'm interested in starting my own website. My question is, if I like a girl and she doesn't like me back, what do I do?

Yours,
Scoopy Root

Thanks for the question Scoopy. To get a girl to like you all you need to do is change everything about yourself. I'd start by getting a makeover and going for a shopping trip to your local promenade. It wouldn't hurt asking this girl exactly what she wants in a man and then just doing what she says. She likes muscles? Start working out or buy bigger shirts. She likes guys in bands? Learn an instrument or simply pass someone else's song off as your own. High risk, high reward, that's what love is all about.

Hello,

I've lived in a small town all my life and I'm going off to school in the big city come September. Got any tips?

Thanks,

Bilbo Livingston

Yo Bilbo. Living in a big city is a lot like having sex for the first time - just act like you know what you're doing and you'll be fine. It's also like playing Nintendo Wii for the first time - so amazing and then it's like 'big deal' and you'd rather be outside. In this case outside is like the country or something. It could also be like eating soup - at first you want to dig right in, but it's best to take things slow and enjoy the soup. It's kind of like Chinese Checkers too.

That's all the mail for today. There was a big pile of mail, but only two were real letters. The rest were drawings of rhinos by Post Master Eli. He used to be a zookeeper you know. Enjoy this long weekend and don't forget the things that make long weekends great - beers, beef, spaghetti and games.