LET'S GET REAL HERE GUYS

If you've been a loyal follower of this web page since the beginning you'll know the following:

• I don't like department stores
• I like movies
• I write in book sometimes
• I can bench 450

I've decided that you need to know more about me because as any scientist will tell you, "The more you know about a man, the better. The more you know about a woman, the better. The more you know about kids? Get outta here!"

That was a science joke and if you don't get it, shut up go back to google.com. Just joking, you can stay.

So lets get personal. Since about January, I've been casually looking for a new job. If my superiors at my current job are reading, don't worry, I love you all and I have nothing against the company, its policies, its location or its carpets. It's just that sometimes a man of 26 needs a change.

Because I don't know what I want to do, I decided to scope out places that I like, mainly television and media companies. It's now May and I really haven't had any luck, as I'm still at the job I usually have. So basically I really hope I win the upcoming Heart and Stroke Lottery 1 million dollar grand prize so I can quit and get a boat. Just kidding, but finding a job is big-time frustration, not unlike trying to find a mate: it's tough and time-consuming and sometimes you think nothing's ever going go your way. Then something does and you're alright and you tell your past self to ease up and stop being a dick. And job interviews are like dates, and bosses are like... the girl's best friend who's a real bitch and keeps telling the girl, "I don't know about this guy. I've known you since grade 2 and like, I know you. Get rid of him. Seriously. Want to go get some salads? I hate these jeans. I want a new cell phone." I should write a self-help book called The Job and the Girl - Tips on both and how to dominate your life. The picture on the cover would have me in an office with a slutty secretary on one arm and holding the book in the other. Then it's like one of those cool things where the cover of the book is on the cover of the book then that cover is on the cover and it's like a vortex and it rules.

So like I was saying, I do get bummed sometimes when I start thinking that I'm in a bit of a rut, but then I think that there's tons of people like me and that I have some pretty cool stuff at home like guitars, computers, hats and comic books so I get happy again. I could describe my job search in more detail but you'd probably have a better time tying your shoes than reading about me looking at websites and sending resumes and poorly conceived cover letters.

This is probably going to be as personal as I get, and in retrospect it wasn't very personal at all. I was going to tell about an interview I went to, but nothing really interesting happened, except the fact that I'm probably not going to get the job. Even that isn't very interesting. Shit. But trust me, if I get married, or if I get a horrible disease I'll probably share it, but until then get ready for more of the same. I'm now accepting story ideas, so if you want to know something about me, leave a comment and if I think you're a nice person, the question will be answered. The segment will be called, The Spice Rack - Different Flavours from Different Neighbours. I don't care if you don't like the title, because my dad always told me to go with your first instinct.

Watch the following video before you go to bed and hope that it somehow makes it into your dreams!

I POOED

The other day Problem Child 2 was on TV. When I was a little boy, I found this movie to be pretty funny. Let me tell you something - IT STILL IS.

- It's one of those movies that probably shouldn't have been for kids.
- There's this one scene with these two vets and it's soooooo weird.
- There's all sorts of hidden sexual jokes and loads of poo jokes.
- Lorraine Newman plays the villainess, "LaWanda DuMore" and she's really funny.

So next time you're at the local video store, put down that copy of 'Steel Magnolias' or 'Big' and pick up Problem Child 2 or I'll come over to your house, take your garbage, make you eat garbage and eat your good stuff like ham and cereal. Now here's a funny scene involving pee pee and those twins who were in everything in 1993:





Now for your enjoyment, I present to you a fake parent-teacher interview I once performed:

I’m your kid’s sixth grade teach Mr. Barn. And no, I’m not here because of honour rolls or science fair ribbons. I’m not here to talk about spelling bees and A Plus book reports. I’m here because I got a laundry list of complaints not only from myself, but from my fellow teachers here at John Farb Memorial School. I’m not going to censor it so hold onto your damn asses.


September 25th - He beat up a fat kid, called him Hambone and stole 20 bucks from him. Then using the money he bought chocolate milks for all the class babes and rumour has it taught them how to touch his weiner. Have you seen teenage girls these days? I couldn’t tell the difference between one of them and damn Cate Blanchette!

Oh you’re laughing? You think this is funny? Do you laugh when that little prick no doubt… sticks your cat in the toaster… or takes a rake to your new carpets? Come on seriously

November 4th – As a treat I let the class watch a dvd on Leopards for our Africa Unit, and I had to leave the class for an hour because we had a meeting and while I’m gone that son of yours puts in a copy of Meatballs. I get back and ask everyone what they thought of leopards and they started chanting "It Just doesn’t matter" and I can’t get the little bastards to stop for a half hour. Have you seen Meatballs?! It's rude. It's a rude rude movie.

Oh yeah, by the way, do you dress your child? He wears that damned dirty old GWAR t-shirt at least 3 times a week, you know, the one with the picture of the demon with the spiny cock? Yeah, real good image he’s portraying.

April 15th – Oh yeah, so you know the variety store around the corner? Well we don’t let our kids go there on lunch hour because they buy chips for lunch and they loiter and the owner hates it. Anyway, your son regularly collects money from students, sneaks away and buys MARS Bars and Dr. Peppers for everyone, so when lunch is over I got a couple dozen hyenas hopped up on sugar for 3 hours while I try my damndest to teach them times tables. Speaking of which, I ask that kid of yours what 12 x 12 was and he said "The square root of a blue jay's butt".

But we can’t suspend your boy because he’s our star quarterback. Heck of a football player.

I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't I'd recommend you wipe that barf off your stupid lips, put down that bucket of corn you're eating, turn around, leave your house (a tree house because you're dumb) put on your rollerblades, go to the store, get me some chips, bring me some chips, give me some money and the chips, turn around, rollerblade to the river, jump in, get out and if it's chilly outside you'll get a cold, ahahahahahahahahah!!!!!

JOURNALS PT. 2

Today is Mother's Day. I was awoken by my boys Jack and Felix at 6am and they brought me breakfast in bed! Fresh squeezed juice (a bit messy mind you!), corn flakes with brown sugar on top, today's Toronto Star with a ribbon around it, wheat toast with marmalade and the cutest little card. I'm the proudest mother this side of Laval, Quebec.

Okay, okay, I was just joking about that stuff up there. If you believed that shit you're pretty dumb. I'm not a woman! HA. "Why'd you do it Glenn?" you ask. Well guys, I just wanted to have a little fun before we move on to the much anticipated second part of my journal series, "Back to the Basics: Glenn's book scanned on a computer then explained".



The left side of this image is actually pretty boring unless you imagine that it's JRR Tolkien's book of ideas and you realize that he was actually fairly goofy considering he wrote such serious and beautiful books about tree men and elf dudes. The first idea is about an old man who still goes to see his son play baseball, but it's like beer league softball and the guy is embarrassed. This idea actually got turned into a sketch by fellow group member Brendan and I think it went well. The second idea also got turned into a sketch by me, but I don't think people got it, even though I still stand by it. One day I started thinking about bombs in movies and I thought it was dumb that the people who set the bomb put a timer on it because then they let the guy who's cutting the wires know exactly how much time he has. It'd be a way better idea for the bad guy to do it like this:

(talking on a phone)
Bad Guy - Listen up police chief, I've put a big bomb in the world's busiest library on Main Street. Leave 6 million dollars in the garbage can on Hot Street ASAP or the bomb blows up eventually. No funny stuff

Chief - How much time do we have until the bomb goes off?

Bad Guy - I'm not telling, just give me the money. You'd better do it fast. The bomb might blow up like in ten minutes you know?

(hangs up)

Chief - SHIT. Get this guy his money. In the meantime, go to the library and see if there's a timer on that bomb. There usually is.

Bill - Chief, there's no timer!

Chief - Oh man

See? No timer means big time results. In retrospect, I should have just written it as I did above, but instead I had two criminals arguing about whether or not to put a timer on. But whatever, who cares right?

The main event of this image is the right side of the page. It was drawn a couple years ago when my friend Jon got a job at the Ontario College of Art and Design as a nude model. We thought it'd be funny if he practiced posing (because it's really tough to hold a pose apparently) and I tried drawing, but don't worry, he didn't get nude or anything. If anything, this really shows how bad I am at drawing. I'm probably the worst drawer I've ever known, no exaggeration. I stink so bad at drawing. I can't even draw a person really. My specialty is cats from a side view and I can do 3-d boxes and skulls.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go home to see my real mom. When I was a kid, my gum of choice was Bubbleicious. Remember the ill-fated flavour "Chocolate Strawberry"? Yeah no one seems to. It was my favourite. So get me some for Mother's Day. Remember Gatorade Gum? Hardest chewing gum in town.

LET'S TAKE A QUICK BREAK

Here are some qUiRky facts about me:

One of my biggest pet peeves (Pet peeves involve complaints about specific behaviors, rather than general dissatisfaction) is being late for movies. To me, showing up for a film is like showing up for a job interview; you show up early no matter what. This is mainly because getting bad seats at a movie is sort of like going on vacation to a fun city and having to sleep in a shit-hole hostel - there's all this cool stuff around but you're just plain uncomfortable. There's nothing more satisfying to me than getting to a movie nice and early, finding good seats and relaxing while the dudes who get there late scramble to find seats that aren't in the front row. So to all those who are going to see Iron Man with me this weekend: I'm leaving early whether you like it or not. I won't save you seats unless you buy some corn and a drink. HA.
Here's a fun movie fact: When I went to see "Dracula: Dead and Loving it" in the theatre when I was in Grade 8 or something, I spent the whole time throwing Gummi Bears at the screen. I had an undercut hairstyle and I loved the new Colorado Avalanche jerseys.

Also in the News:

I've been trying to stop typing "www" at the beginning of web addresses now, because you don't need to apparently. Here's what an old man from 1946 would say if he just read that sentence:

"What?! I've been typing "www" all this time and I don't have to? Sweet fancy panties."

That's because he's a time traveller and has been living amongst us this whole time. So technology isn't a shock to him at all. Except those computer tables that Microsoft is making because even I'm a little overwhelmed by them. What's next? Neon bathrooms? Lately I've found time travel really funny so I apologize if it comes up a bunch.

I hope you had fun today. Here's something to try: Trade bedrooms with your friend for 10 minutes. Find all the clocks in the room and change them to different times. Then trade back. Now stay up for as long as you can (like 2 days), then go to bed at a strange hour, like 3 pm or something. When you both wake up it'll be the craziest! Call each other and try to figure out what time it is. First one who gets it right wins a sub.