HOLD THE PHONE, THAT MAN OUTSIDE IS HOLDING A BIG SIGN

Hi there. Nice boots. Are those real eel? You can eat those when you grow out of them or when they go out of style. Probably never will though. Look at those brass buckles. Don't eat those. What's that? They're made of marzipan? You are a piece of work mom.

That paragraph is a distraction!!! LOOK OUT



Okay captains, onto real material. The good stuff, covered in sour powder that coats cherry blasters that take your taste buds on a hang glider ride through the rain forest and you fly down really close to the tree line and sometimes, just sometimes, you can catch a glimpse of a fat bug.

Last night I saw that modern film "I Love You Man" starring some current movie stars. First off, let me take some time to complain about popcorn sizes at AMC theatres. If you want to buy popcorn here are your options:

Small - Literally a cup of popcorn. It's served in a cup. I think.

Medium - A small bag

Large - A gigantic bag

You see, I went to get us seats while that girl Liv got snacks (food (treats)). We had a large debate as the whether to get a medium or a small popcorn, which is a great little thing to eat with a movie. I convinced her to go with the medium because I saved a dollar by using an ancient student card that qualified me for the student rate and the medium was a dollar more so it just made financial sense. When she arrived with the snacks I was mad because I thought they screwed her and gave her a small but then I saw a couple eating corn out of a cup and I realized the system was broken. Unless they just asked for a cup. But I did some solid looking around and I'm pretty sure I'm right. It's all a screw job, because next time I go I'll have to get the large because I don't want the 'medium small', it wasn't enough.

Unlike the popcorn sizes at AMC, the film made sense and was enjoyable. I'd compare it to a spring day that starts with a tray of muffins. You can interpret that any way you like. That's what life is all about brother. Seriously though, I think making someone muffins in the morning is the nicest thing you can do. Coffee? No big deal, everyone does that. Eggs? As normal as cars on the road or gummi worms in the pantry. Cinnamon buns? The good folks at Pillsbury usually handle most of the work. But muffins are so old fashioned and granny-esque and they smell real good but not so good that you freak out like you do with cinnamon buns and not so bad for your teeth or your diabetes. Muffins guy. Make me some. You can eat two or four and it's all good because there's wheat, there's bananas, maybe carrots, some oats if you please. It all adds up to a warm hug on a hot day.

DVD commentary

Whenever I try to write the titles of these, nines times out of ten I think of something involving the word "cheese". Here are some other things with cheese in it a lot: crust at Pizza Hut and entertainment starring Patrick Dempsey. Even that one where he plays a dweeb.

KEEPING YOU FRESH ON THE HAPPENINGS OF ME EVEN THOUGH ME THINGS AREN'T NECESSARILY GOOD THINGS

Writing these things on Monday mornings are always tough carrots because all I want to do on a Monday morning is lie down on the floor, sprawl out, and howl "noooooooooooooooooo" like a werewolf who realizes that he can't turn back into a werewolf anymore because the spell is over or the moon exploded. This is because the weekend is generally fun and relaxing, while the work week is generally uninteresting and soul crushing. It's not that bad, but for the purposes of entertainment, just imagine that it is.

Here are several variations of a weekend review, as part of my contemporary art project, "Changing Seasons, Changing Minds - Recounting a weekend several different ways in a blog".

First, the standard abridged version talks about Friday:

- came home from work
- nothin' was cookin'
- watched Paradise Hotel and ate poutine

This version is popular with moms on the go and students enrolled in post secondary education who need a quick fix before heading to the quad for stimulating conversation and some hacky sack and/or Frisbee. You can identify the abridged version by the use of the Greek symbol "-" and the use of sentence fragments.

Secondly, for Saturday I present the 15 year old girl version or the overly excited about banal things version:

Oh man! So Saturday, I got up and decided it was a nice day to go eat breakfast somewhere because it's the weekend baby and I didn't want to cook! That's a totally Tuesday thing (cooking). Me and my girly ate some eggs at a great spot and then strolled through Kensington Market where things are sooooooo cool and so multi diverse and exciting and I saw so many people just doing things and smiling and being so good to each other. I played NHL 09 for the next couple of hours, which you all should try because video games aren't just for the nerds anymore or the losers, they're so fun and all the celebs are doing it in Hollywood where all the stuff happens that I want to happen in the world today honey.

THEN I went to Phil's BBQ with a few of my besties to eat meats and talk about all the latest news in the world of my friends which is soooo fun and we don't do it enough and your friends are your soul centre and you should never ignore them and you should support them no matter what happens ever. So exciting! LOL. We went to our friend's house to watch hockey and we had so much fun just chatting and enjoying life and the game of course. Then we watched the last half an hour of Return of the Jedi, where Harrison Ford is an absolute dream and headed off to our favourite club, Ted's, to argue about Battlestar Galatica while I held my hands over my ears because I haven't seen it yet, so funny LOL for sure, LOL all over the place.

---------------------

That was exhausting. Teens probably type a million times more during the day than we do because they type like that up there and have several computing devices. High school nowadays is probably way different than when you or I went. Do any teens read this? If so, contact me for a new segment called "Teen Talk" where I ask you questions about high school so everyone here over the age of 24 can say "what?! That's crazy! Cell phones in gym class? Computer black boards? Palm Pilot lunch specials? Interface Mead Five Star Notebooks? Internet chalk?"

Finally, Sunday, as interpreted by Michel Gondry

Allo! Je m'appelle Meesheeelll Gondreeeeeeeee. Glenn went to search for lost love and the caliber of the soul again for some new clothes but couldn't find any but he bought the importance of his dinner dat night at the store of dreams. Himself and his star in the sky of the night of kings cleaned their apartment with music in their hearts and dirt in their nails and brains as the soap continued to fizzle down to nothing again showing the cycle that we all go through to get to be complete. Glenn prepared a sumptuous meal that bared his flesh and took him back to Thailand where he's only been in his mind and in his bones and they ate while the birds ached and strained in the Spring chill in the March bog. Glenn then went to the follies show where a man from TSN - The Sports Network was there to present a spectacle of smiles for the people and he had fun before returning home for a slumber of three jewels.

Here's a quick bonus abridge version because Michel is a French weirdo:
- went to find some new clothes but didn't really feel like it
- came home and cleaned everything
- made a Thai curry dish
- went to Sunday Night Live hosted by my favourite Sports Centre personality, Jay Onrait. He's a great man and a funny man
- came home

Today we all learned so much and had so much fun with everything and everyone. Hey that rhymed and I seriously didn't mean it to. That would be a great song for the end of a children's variety show. I'll get working on a pitch based on that rhyme alone. When they pitched "Cheers" all they had was a glass of beer and a playing card. When they pitched "Friends" all they had was a babe who showed her tits big time. How else would it have got on the air?? WHAM. Huge take down of Friends. See you 2 more ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhi.

TRYING TO DRINK MORE WATER GUYS

You know when a new technology comes out and at first it's really expensive, and so you wait a couple of years until it's way cheaper? Imagine some guy did that with the Internet? But he (or she I guess) was like "I'm going to wait until this thing gets REALLY good". And then he goes on the Internet today finally and wasn't all that impressed? I wonder what part of the Internet they'd find most useful and/or fascinating...

I'll bet they'd be most impressed with ordering things online, or something simple like that. They'd be very underwhelmed by Facebook and Social Media and all that I bet because they wouldn't understand it at first and since they've probably heard people talk about it a lot it would be a big let down. They'd like porno, but be mad that a lot of it you have to pay for because they wouldn't know where to get it for free right away. I think he'd like all the general information. I think that's why I like the Internet the most. If back in the old days you needed to know something stupid you'd either have to call someone, go to the library or consult an encyclopedia, which only rich people had. The game has changed. I can find out anything right now. Watch this:

"When was Hulk Hogan born?" August 11 1953.
"How big do beavers get?" Depends. Are we talkin' North American Beaver, European Beaver, or GIANT BEAVER:

"The North American Giant beaver (Castoroides ohioensis) was one of the largest rodents that ever evolved. About the size of a small American Black Bear, it disappeared along with other large mammals in the Holocene extinction event, which began about 13,000 years ago."

That's totally awesome.

What a good, thoughtful intro!

NEWEST THING THAT'S FRUSTRATING ME

Vacuum bags! We have this vacuum that's not a major brand (dirt devil, hoover, your mom ahahahahaha because she sucks ahahahahah) and I realized that there's no bag inside so all the dirt gets stored in the vacuum itself, which isn't right. Not having any experience with vacuums, I bought some bags from Canadian Tire that looked closest to the ones depicted on the vacuum. I then found out that bags are very specific to specific vacuums. I found the bags I needed on the Internet, but the shipping costs were astronomical, so I called a couple stores in Toronto. The first guy barely spoke English and told me he needed the model of the vacuum before he could help me although I already told him. Then he said to call back when his brother, who speaks better English, comes back. What kind of a business is this? "I'm going on vacation. Benji, you're in charge"

"I don't speak English bro"
"Yeah well we sell vacuums and vacuum accessories. It ain't brain science"
"What's a brain?"
"Ah geez"

I called another man and he said he'd check with his suppier. He actually called back and said no go. So I'm either going to have to pay up the "wazoo" for vacuum bags off the internet, keep using it with no bags, or buy a new vacuum that someone's heard of (Hoover, Dirt Devil, you, because you're popular!!).

CULTURE REPORT

My friend Jon has a comedy team with a girl named Amy called "Life of a Craphead" and they just got back from a comedy tour on the west coast, and last night was their homecoming. The first half of the show I was sitting on the floor and it was crowded and my ass hurt so bad because my ass has no padding, hence taking pictures was impossible. The second half I wised up and leaned against a wall. Here's a picture of Jon and Amy doing their "thing":

I had two beers.

I love Skittles so much and I hate the Bud Light commercials with Budd Light so much. Have a good weekend and don't stay up past 4 pm.

A COMMENTARY AND A REALLY SILLY THING

I walk next to the Air Canada Centre to and fro work and when I leave in the evening I usually have to endure some sort of crowd who is there to take in some sort of event. Based on the demographic of people outside the arena last night I correctly guessed that a female pop star was in town. BRITNEY. Britney Spears. I saw one young girl, maybe 14 or something and she was wearing a really tight skirt that went up to her private parts and she was with her family. Speaking of vaginas and Britney, I saw some pictures the other day of her holding her kid while wearing a bikini and her vagina was showing. I'd like it if she just accepted her role as bad mother and crazy idiot and started feeding her kids beer in public and shrugging a lot and maybe doing something like writing a really dumb parenting book that was mostly just pictures of her singing. But I guess that's bad for those kids of hers. Realistically those kids are going to grow up to be a couple of shit heads probably. Here's the math:

First the formula:
DNA + Upbringing + Money/spoildness = How someone will turn out

Then plug in your numbers:
Keven Federline/Britney Spears + Insane upbringing in the public eye with a psycho and an idiot as parents + as much money as they want = A coupla shit heads

So Britney, go ahead and start feeding them beer now because they're bound to endure at least one bout with alcholism down the road. Just get it over with!


FAN MAIL

Dear Mr. Noth,

My friend Bill says he knows your sister Kelly. Do you know Bill? I'm coming to L.A. in October and maybe I can stay with you. I love your work and I'm very excited to meet you.

Your fan,

Krum Troth


From The Desk of Chris W. Noth, actor

Dearest Krum,

I know not this 'Bill' you speak of, nor do I have a sister named 'Kelly'. That being said, I'd love to you have you stay at my compound this fall. You sound very engaging and if you are a woman, I'd be honoured to make love to you when the moon is high and the armadillos are asleep in their iron pens. Bring only what you need to survive as well as some treats for my servants. To find the compound follow Lardman's Path northeast into the Forest of Grimtron. Hold the amulet to the sky and follow the ruby beam. My house is the third one you'll pass. I look forward to our rendezvous.

Sincerely,

Law and Order's Chris Noth


Dear Mr. Noth,

I'm a guy. I go to Ohio State University. This all sounds pretty cool, but I don't have an amulet. I don't know what you're talking about.

Yours,

Krum


Hello boy,

You aren't the warrior I thought you were! If your heart is true and your soul thick, then you will travel to the east and find the Dark Blacksmith in Volcano Valley where he forges only the most beautiful but evil amulets in the Bogfrot Kingdom. Do that and you can stay. It's really nice in L.A. right now! See you soon!

- Chris

I found those letters in an old cigar box in my grandparent's attic along with some gold coins and a cool map that turned out to be fake. This has been FAN MAIL.

Enjoy your sunny day Earth. In space every day is sunny but freezing. I suppose. Sort of not. Depends how close you are to a star. Science in your face. Stay extra safe today.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE READING THIS YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL THE SAME AS WHEN YOU CAME IN UNLESS YOU WERE REALLY UPSET BEFORE OR REALLY HAPPY. THIS IS NEUTRAL.

I didn't go drinking last night so the Empire Strikes Back viewing party commenced. I'm a huge Star Wars fan and have been for several years. I have boxes full of toys, and once went to a convention where I met the guy who played Darth Vader. Not James Earl Jones, but David Prowse, who was cast based on his physique and nothing more.

That's him looking really dumb. That's me wanting the picture to be taken so I can get out of there.

As a huge fan, it's tough to watch one of the films with someone who has never seen it before because you want them to pay attention all the time and you keep looking at them to make sure they're enjoying it. Ever seen that episode of How I Met Your Mother when those two guys want that girl from Scrubs to watch Star Wars? That's a fairly accurate, albeit over the top depiction of what it's like. So I was kind of stressed.

In the end Liv gave a unenthusiastic thumbs up, noting, "it was way better than the first one". She should have said "4 stars!" because Empire Strikes Back is the greatest film in history. It could be classified as a drama, a sci fi epic, a comedy, an action movie, a blaxploitation film, a buddy picture, a romance and simply as a piece of art. But that's just me.

How about that thing with AIG that's going on? I know there's probably more to it, but doesn't it make you so mad that you want to get up and run down the street punching everything you see, screaming "what's going on!!" and flailing your arms and running into a store and stealing all their gum? These AIG guys and that guy Madoff are the worst guys. How much money do you need? I probably make as much as they do in like a few days and I'm fairly content. They should be sentenced to something. Like they have to take a course on how to be a nice guy and they have to live as a homeless person for a year and be visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Or better yet, they should just drop those guys off in the middle of a hard workin' town and the town can do whatever they want to them. Like teach them how to be content with not a lot of money, or simply beat the shit out of them. It's up to the town. Maybe they'll fall in love with the town just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. That's it! We'lll Groundhog Day them. But we'll have to find a shitty day. I guess the day where they don't get their million dollar bonuses. I'm ramblin' here. It's time to sum it all up:

Two nights ago I finished reading Steinbeck's "Cannery Row" and there's this great part where this guy Doc goes:

It has always seemed strange to me...The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest, are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second.

I think that sums up why I never saw business or law or accounting or anything like that as being an avenue I'd like to pursue. Real Estate too. A lot of dick heads in real estate I'm sure. You have to be a dick head. They're not all dick heads I guess, but even the non dick heads have to be dick heads to the dick heads, otherwise they'd go nowhere. That's a real good spot to leave on. Now you're thinking about all sorts of things I hope. Do you have a song in your head yet today? How about "Constant Craving", get that in your head. We'll all do it and by the end of the day the whole city will be singing it in the street!

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPECTACULAR

You know what today is? Billy Corgan's birthday and St. Patrick's Day! Which one do you celebrate more? I'm pretty equal. In the morning I shave a lot, squeal a bit and write bad poetry, and at night I drink Guiness and punch others.

Seriously though, seriously, the last couple of years I haven't been very into St. Patrick's Day probably because I don't drink as much as I used to thanks to this stomach of mine that manages to thwart every attempt at a good time (drinking a lot, eating a lot, going on barf rides). But in my younger days I loved St. Patrick's Day, mostly because I got to show off a variety of Irish fashions. I pride myself on having an outfit for every occasion, which is why I never like throwing clothes out. Let's see if I can find some examples.

Here are two St. Pat's days of yore. I don't know the years, but they're both in Toronto so sometime in the last 4 years I guess. The highlight of the ensemble is my green jacket that I wear for most special occasions. If you're a true fan, you may remember it in that picture of a New Years that I posted last week or something. It was originally bought for St. Patrick's Day along with a big Notre Dame sweatshirt that I think I threw out. I look festive though right? The Boston Bruins shirt? Boston - Irish people. Get it? We had some great parties in Hamilton on March 17. I remember one where I was standing on a table at a bar, ripping down decorations and screaming my head off.

Side Note

TLC keeps getting worse and worse. On Thursday there's two separate shows on Tree Man again followed by Mermaid Girl. Then they showed this promo that goes something like: "If you thought having 8 kids was crazy (referring of course to Jon and Kate), check out Table for Twelve !"

They can't do that. They already have a show about 18 kids. You can't go from 18 back down to 10 (there's 2 parents and 10 kids). You gotta raise the bar. Why would I watch the twelve show when I have 18? I don't get it. What makes them so special? They better be the funniest.

Also, I used to respect Jon and Kate for being good parents, but since this show is still on I've had to rethink my position. Now I'm not Dr. Phil McGraw, but they clearly haven't thought about how growing up in the public eye on a TV show will affect their kids. I guarantee one of those 8 will end up messed up in one way or another. One or two seasons? Fair ball. They make some money and save it for college or whatever. But it's been like 4 years. The little kids don't know a life where cameras aren't following them around and that doesn't seem like a good thing to me. They don't even work any more and just moved into a $1.3 million mansion, so they're not exactly "normal" anymore. And Kate's hair???? The WORST!!!

Back to the St. Patrick's Day stuff

I don't know if I'll do anything tonight, but if I do I'll try to remember to take pictures. The back up plan is to force Liv to watch Empire Strikes Back provided that I supply snacks. I sealed the deal with the stipulation that I be allowed to give a short, 10 minute presentation before the movie with recaps of the previous film (or films if you count the prequels, although nothing happens in them and they suck shit out of a guinea pig's dick). This event will be moved to Wednesday pending beer soaked celebrations. Happy birthday Billy.

Love,

The Terminator

MORNING IN POO CITY STARTS STINKY BUT FRESH

I spent the bulk of the weekend in Sarnia Ontario to visit some of Liv's family. She's from there. We took Toronto's TTC subway to Mississauga first to pick up my old man's car. Once in the suburbs we were immediately greeted by my mommmmma with fresh pumpkin bread she made, which I imagined as being fuel for me! Fuel for car is gas. Fuel for Glenn is pumpkin bread. Car had fuel, Glenn had fuel, time to hit the road.

We listened to Howard Stern all the way to through Southwestern Ontario as the vehicle is equipped with Satellite radio. Here's a quick pic of said car that I took when we stopped for some delicious nectarines at a local hot spot:



hahahahahahahahaha that's kind of like prop comedy.

I wish I could say something interesting happened on the way there, but it's one of the most boring drives ever and I almost fell asleep.

We arrived safely and went to Wendy's and Value Village, where I bought a new shirt with a jet plane on it, then had a SOLID visit full of chips and wine and beers and talking and dinner. When night fell we took in that movie "Man On Wire" about this crazy man who tightropes across the World Trade Center. This is a great film and you should all watch it, especially those of you who are into tightrope walking. But don't worry, you don't need to be to enjoy it. It's a documentary and if you're scared of heights this will make you go WAWAWAWAWAWA. I'm scared of heights and I said that.

The next day we left early because I wanted to make it to my ball hockey game. We listened to more Howard Stern and I felt like a guy who just went on a roller coaster after eating a lot of pickles and cinnamon because his friends dared him. So yeah, my stomach felt cruddy big time. That's what I meant up there with the whole pickle thing. I didn't want to simply say "I felt like shit" because that's not what wins championships. Anyway, I thought the stomach thing might have been because I was nervous for the show I was to host that evening. That's what I'm talking about next. It turns out my stomach was really shitty. Once nervousness was stripped, shitty feeling remained. Onward!

Doing comedy on stage by yourself is a very tough thing to do. You don't really get a chance to bounce your ideas off anyone beforehand so you don't know if it's going to be funny and when you're up there and things go awry you can't turn to anyone and blame them. I was very prepared for this show and all things considered, I wasn't too nervous about it. And I think it went pretty darn well. I got looser and looser as the show went on, maybe a bit too loose toward the end, and people laughed, which is the goal, along with having TOTALLY hot babes pat you on the bum bum after. I only got one from Liv, but one is all you need. I'm usually really hard on myself, so if I thought it was good, it probably was.

All in all it was a very successful weekend. Everything that happened combined with the weather making a turn for the better allows me to give this weekend 5 Oxi Clean guys out of a possible 6!

1 guy
2 guy
3 guy
4 guy
5 guy
out of 6 guy

Tune in tomorrow for my St. Patrick's Day special featuring music by "The Green Irish Beer and Potato Lucky Shamrock Stereotype Band" and a message from non Irish celebrity, former NBA superstar Scottie Pippen. If you don't have to go to work today then don't. Why go if you don't have to right? I have to.

SUNDAY FUNNIES

What do you call Spiderman crossed with Bob Dylan??

The web singer.




That was bruuuuuuuuuuuuutal!

Go outside please

CASE OF THE FRIDAY SILLY'S AND I ALSO HAVE ALZHEIMER'S

Before launching into anything remotely serious, let us first delve into the silly. Remember when I was talking about the DaVinci Code the other day? Well it seems my investigative mind has solved yet another cypher - that of the letter "B". Instead of explaining the complex mathematics involved in reaching my conclusion using words, I thought it would be more fit to demonstrate visually:

See that!? If you turn the letter 'B' around one quarter turn, you get a visual representation of two of the letter's most famous words! BOOBS. BUTT. B. Isn't that neat? That stuff coming out of the B Butt is either poo or a fart. Use your imagination. In conclusion, the letter 'B' was specifically designed to represent a butt and some boobs, sort of like how in the DaVinci Code all those symbols mean vaginas and girls and Mary. CASE CLOSED. Eat your FART out Tom Hanks. mar mar mar.

Have you guys seen that new commercial for Australia? Let me see if I can find it...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

I did find it! And wouldn't you know it? Directed by BAZ fuckin' Luhrmann



That makes sense. I hate this ad. Here are the reasons why:

First of all, they wasted their damn money. You don't need to advertise Australia. Everyone wants to go there. Who doesn't? It's exotic, it's warm, it's beautiful, they speak English there, they're nice, they're funny, they like beer, they're attractive, they have funny animals... and the list goes on. And if you are going to advertise Australia, don't waste $2.5 million dollars, or however much that monstrosity up there cost, just spend a few bucks and simply remind people that Australia exists. Here's my Australia ad:

HEY, REMEMBER AUSTRALIA?
Yeah, it's still a great place, come see

Second of all, doesn't this ad remind you of that part in the Mr. Plow episode of the Simpsons when Homer pays for an ad and it's all weird and stupid? Like it's overly artistic? That's what this ad is all about and I'm not at all surprised that Baz is behind it. I hate everything that guy has ever done.

I'd love to go to Australia one day, but if I do go I hope I meet people like this:





and not people like this:



For all you statistic dweebs, I was checking out Stat Meter and noticed that the most popular Google image that brings people to this blog is a picture of pizza that I used in this post. This once again proves the wonderful things that pizza can do. It also shows that pictures of pizza are in high demand for some reason. Not chicks, pizza.

And that's all. This weekend I'm going to Sarnia to visit Liv's dad and then on Sunday I'm very excited to be hosting "The Loner Show" at the Rivoli at 9pm. Come by if you want and watch me host for the first time on my favourite show. It's a night of solo comedy without standup. Now you're up to date! Enjoy a weekend on me.

FRIDAY THE 13th, YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!!!!

FRUIT PUREES AND HORSE BARNS EQUAL.... NOTHING. THEY DON'T EQUAL ANYTHING

Since it's snowing today, I thought I'd share a special holiday memory with all of you. Get into the Christmas spirit - boil some egg nog, braise some reindeer, decorate your car and think about Santa and his signature beard........ got it? Got the spirit?

One year during high school me and some friends got the idea to drive around and take people's Christmas decorations off their lawn for some reason. I forget why. We made sure to only take them from wealthy people because wealthy people don't care about anything but money, big cigars, lobsters, the stock market and imported cars, as opposed to less wealthy people who genuinely care about their plastic Santas etc. We got quite a haul of stupid stuff and then stored it all in my garage.

Needless to say, my mom wasn't too happy about our little project. Again, I don't remember what we were planning on doing with all the stuff, but whatever it was my mom ordered me to return everything. Fair ball. Being the opportunists that we were back then, a new plan arose, which was to return the stuff but in a humorous fashion. We couldn't very well just knock on someone's door and say, "sorry, we took this floppy reindeer, you can have it back." That would be embarrassing. So instead we wrote a bunch of notes from the items themselves and quietly returned each item. One Santa said something like "I have been away at Winter camp because you weren't treating me fair..." and stuff like that. Each note was fairly lengthy. It is my hope that when the owners found their stuff returned with notes they were left scratching their heads and will tell the story of their lost treasures for years to come. Who would do such a thing? Why would someone do such a thing? Well now you know. Try it next Christmas in your neighbourhood!

Paradise Hotel Season 1 is back on the Slice Network. Please please watch it if you get a chance. I've said it a million times - the best reality show of all time. Everything everyone says on that show is quotable. It's a classic tale of good vs. evil. The only rule? Hook up or go home. It's better than LOST. Guaranteed.



Remember this fuckin' guy?


I remember the days when I'd go to McDonald's so regularly that I always knew what was on their menu. I knew when the McRib was around and what movie they were promoting and what toys were available. Now when I walk by and I see what they have to offer I'm left scratching my head. They have an angus burger? I didn't know that. Last time I ate McDonald's I felt shitty for two weeks. I thought it would cure a hangover but it only enhanced it by a million. The most I ever ate at McDonald's was a Big Mac combo with a McChicken and a Fillet O Fish on the side. I didn't barf and I didn't poo weird either. Nowadays I can't even eat bread without feeling shitty. I overstated there. But still, time is taking its toll on me. Maybe I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Whatever, nothing is going to stop me from enjoying my favourite foods!

Bing bong! Okay that's the end. This week is taking forever to end man. I have a big weekend ahead of me so next week there will be a lot to discuss. Important stuff. Not really. But who cares, I'm committed to writing something. Tip of the day: Buying stuff makes you happy for a bit but i doesn't last. For happiness that lasts, steal as much money as you'll need to live for the rest of your life and that'll keep you happy no matter what.