LET'S GET REAL HERE GUYS

If you've been a loyal follower of this web page since the beginning you'll know the following:

• I don't like department stores
• I like movies
• I write in book sometimes
• I can bench 450

I've decided that you need to know more about me because as any scientist will tell you, "The more you know about a man, the better. The more you know about a woman, the better. The more you know about kids? Get outta here!"

That was a science joke and if you don't get it, shut up go back to google.com. Just joking, you can stay.

So lets get personal. Since about January, I've been casually looking for a new job. If my superiors at my current job are reading, don't worry, I love you all and I have nothing against the company, its policies, its location or its carpets. It's just that sometimes a man of 26 needs a change.

Because I don't know what I want to do, I decided to scope out places that I like, mainly television and media companies. It's now May and I really haven't had any luck, as I'm still at the job I usually have. So basically I really hope I win the upcoming Heart and Stroke Lottery 1 million dollar grand prize so I can quit and get a boat. Just kidding, but finding a job is big-time frustration, not unlike trying to find a mate: it's tough and time-consuming and sometimes you think nothing's ever going go your way. Then something does and you're alright and you tell your past self to ease up and stop being a dick. And job interviews are like dates, and bosses are like... the girl's best friend who's a real bitch and keeps telling the girl, "I don't know about this guy. I've known you since grade 2 and like, I know you. Get rid of him. Seriously. Want to go get some salads? I hate these jeans. I want a new cell phone." I should write a self-help book called The Job and the Girl - Tips on both and how to dominate your life. The picture on the cover would have me in an office with a slutty secretary on one arm and holding the book in the other. Then it's like one of those cool things where the cover of the book is on the cover of the book then that cover is on the cover and it's like a vortex and it rules.

So like I was saying, I do get bummed sometimes when I start thinking that I'm in a bit of a rut, but then I think that there's tons of people like me and that I have some pretty cool stuff at home like guitars, computers, hats and comic books so I get happy again. I could describe my job search in more detail but you'd probably have a better time tying your shoes than reading about me looking at websites and sending resumes and poorly conceived cover letters.

This is probably going to be as personal as I get, and in retrospect it wasn't very personal at all. I was going to tell about an interview I went to, but nothing really interesting happened, except the fact that I'm probably not going to get the job. Even that isn't very interesting. Shit. But trust me, if I get married, or if I get a horrible disease I'll probably share it, but until then get ready for more of the same. I'm now accepting story ideas, so if you want to know something about me, leave a comment and if I think you're a nice person, the question will be answered. The segment will be called, The Spice Rack - Different Flavours from Different Neighbours. I don't care if you don't like the title, because my dad always told me to go with your first instinct.

Watch the following video before you go to bed and hope that it somehow makes it into your dreams!

I POOED

The other day Problem Child 2 was on TV. When I was a little boy, I found this movie to be pretty funny. Let me tell you something - IT STILL IS.

- It's one of those movies that probably shouldn't have been for kids.
- There's this one scene with these two vets and it's soooooo weird.
- There's all sorts of hidden sexual jokes and loads of poo jokes.
- Lorraine Newman plays the villainess, "LaWanda DuMore" and she's really funny.

So next time you're at the local video store, put down that copy of 'Steel Magnolias' or 'Big' and pick up Problem Child 2 or I'll come over to your house, take your garbage, make you eat garbage and eat your good stuff like ham and cereal. Now here's a funny scene involving pee pee and those twins who were in everything in 1993:





Now for your enjoyment, I present to you a fake parent-teacher interview I once performed:

I’m your kid’s sixth grade teach Mr. Barn. And no, I’m not here because of honour rolls or science fair ribbons. I’m not here to talk about spelling bees and A Plus book reports. I’m here because I got a laundry list of complaints not only from myself, but from my fellow teachers here at John Farb Memorial School. I’m not going to censor it so hold onto your damn asses.


September 25th - He beat up a fat kid, called him Hambone and stole 20 bucks from him. Then using the money he bought chocolate milks for all the class babes and rumour has it taught them how to touch his weiner. Have you seen teenage girls these days? I couldn’t tell the difference between one of them and damn Cate Blanchette!

Oh you’re laughing? You think this is funny? Do you laugh when that little prick no doubt… sticks your cat in the toaster… or takes a rake to your new carpets? Come on seriously

November 4th – As a treat I let the class watch a dvd on Leopards for our Africa Unit, and I had to leave the class for an hour because we had a meeting and while I’m gone that son of yours puts in a copy of Meatballs. I get back and ask everyone what they thought of leopards and they started chanting "It Just doesn’t matter" and I can’t get the little bastards to stop for a half hour. Have you seen Meatballs?! It's rude. It's a rude rude movie.

Oh yeah, by the way, do you dress your child? He wears that damned dirty old GWAR t-shirt at least 3 times a week, you know, the one with the picture of the demon with the spiny cock? Yeah, real good image he’s portraying.

April 15th – Oh yeah, so you know the variety store around the corner? Well we don’t let our kids go there on lunch hour because they buy chips for lunch and they loiter and the owner hates it. Anyway, your son regularly collects money from students, sneaks away and buys MARS Bars and Dr. Peppers for everyone, so when lunch is over I got a couple dozen hyenas hopped up on sugar for 3 hours while I try my damndest to teach them times tables. Speaking of which, I ask that kid of yours what 12 x 12 was and he said "The square root of a blue jay's butt".

But we can’t suspend your boy because he’s our star quarterback. Heck of a football player.

I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't I'd recommend you wipe that barf off your stupid lips, put down that bucket of corn you're eating, turn around, leave your house (a tree house because you're dumb) put on your rollerblades, go to the store, get me some chips, bring me some chips, give me some money and the chips, turn around, rollerblade to the river, jump in, get out and if it's chilly outside you'll get a cold, ahahahahahahahahah!!!!!

JOURNALS PT. 2

Today is Mother's Day. I was awoken by my boys Jack and Felix at 6am and they brought me breakfast in bed! Fresh squeezed juice (a bit messy mind you!), corn flakes with brown sugar on top, today's Toronto Star with a ribbon around it, wheat toast with marmalade and the cutest little card. I'm the proudest mother this side of Laval, Quebec.

Okay, okay, I was just joking about that stuff up there. If you believed that shit you're pretty dumb. I'm not a woman! HA. "Why'd you do it Glenn?" you ask. Well guys, I just wanted to have a little fun before we move on to the much anticipated second part of my journal series, "Back to the Basics: Glenn's book scanned on a computer then explained".



The left side of this image is actually pretty boring unless you imagine that it's JRR Tolkien's book of ideas and you realize that he was actually fairly goofy considering he wrote such serious and beautiful books about tree men and elf dudes. The first idea is about an old man who still goes to see his son play baseball, but it's like beer league softball and the guy is embarrassed. This idea actually got turned into a sketch by fellow group member Brendan and I think it went well. The second idea also got turned into a sketch by me, but I don't think people got it, even though I still stand by it. One day I started thinking about bombs in movies and I thought it was dumb that the people who set the bomb put a timer on it because then they let the guy who's cutting the wires know exactly how much time he has. It'd be a way better idea for the bad guy to do it like this:

(talking on a phone)
Bad Guy - Listen up police chief, I've put a big bomb in the world's busiest library on Main Street. Leave 6 million dollars in the garbage can on Hot Street ASAP or the bomb blows up eventually. No funny stuff

Chief - How much time do we have until the bomb goes off?

Bad Guy - I'm not telling, just give me the money. You'd better do it fast. The bomb might blow up like in ten minutes you know?

(hangs up)

Chief - SHIT. Get this guy his money. In the meantime, go to the library and see if there's a timer on that bomb. There usually is.

Bill - Chief, there's no timer!

Chief - Oh man

See? No timer means big time results. In retrospect, I should have just written it as I did above, but instead I had two criminals arguing about whether or not to put a timer on. But whatever, who cares right?

The main event of this image is the right side of the page. It was drawn a couple years ago when my friend Jon got a job at the Ontario College of Art and Design as a nude model. We thought it'd be funny if he practiced posing (because it's really tough to hold a pose apparently) and I tried drawing, but don't worry, he didn't get nude or anything. If anything, this really shows how bad I am at drawing. I'm probably the worst drawer I've ever known, no exaggeration. I stink so bad at drawing. I can't even draw a person really. My specialty is cats from a side view and I can do 3-d boxes and skulls.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go home to see my real mom. When I was a kid, my gum of choice was Bubbleicious. Remember the ill-fated flavour "Chocolate Strawberry"? Yeah no one seems to. It was my favourite. So get me some for Mother's Day. Remember Gatorade Gum? Hardest chewing gum in town.

LET'S TAKE A QUICK BREAK

Here are some qUiRky facts about me:

One of my biggest pet peeves (Pet peeves involve complaints about specific behaviors, rather than general dissatisfaction) is being late for movies. To me, showing up for a film is like showing up for a job interview; you show up early no matter what. This is mainly because getting bad seats at a movie is sort of like going on vacation to a fun city and having to sleep in a shit-hole hostel - there's all this cool stuff around but you're just plain uncomfortable. There's nothing more satisfying to me than getting to a movie nice and early, finding good seats and relaxing while the dudes who get there late scramble to find seats that aren't in the front row. So to all those who are going to see Iron Man with me this weekend: I'm leaving early whether you like it or not. I won't save you seats unless you buy some corn and a drink. HA.
Here's a fun movie fact: When I went to see "Dracula: Dead and Loving it" in the theatre when I was in Grade 8 or something, I spent the whole time throwing Gummi Bears at the screen. I had an undercut hairstyle and I loved the new Colorado Avalanche jerseys.

Also in the News:

I've been trying to stop typing "www" at the beginning of web addresses now, because you don't need to apparently. Here's what an old man from 1946 would say if he just read that sentence:

"What?! I've been typing "www" all this time and I don't have to? Sweet fancy panties."

That's because he's a time traveller and has been living amongst us this whole time. So technology isn't a shock to him at all. Except those computer tables that Microsoft is making because even I'm a little overwhelmed by them. What's next? Neon bathrooms? Lately I've found time travel really funny so I apologize if it comes up a bunch.

I hope you had fun today. Here's something to try: Trade bedrooms with your friend for 10 minutes. Find all the clocks in the room and change them to different times. Then trade back. Now stay up for as long as you can (like 2 days), then go to bed at a strange hour, like 3 pm or something. When you both wake up it'll be the craziest! Call each other and try to figure out what time it is. First one who gets it right wins a sub.

A GLIMPSE INTO A BOOK PART 1

Remember back when I was in University and someone published the journals of Kurt Cobain? Thanks to Christmas I own it, and because I enjoyed it so much I thought I'd share it here. But since that would violate several copyright laws and be dumb and boring, I decided to start my own "Journals" project. The following pages come from a book my friend Jon gave me in December 2002. Inscribed in the front cover is a passge from Jon that reads, "Ideas, drawings and general sparks of brilliance that come to me most likely from outer space and would otherwise be forgotten", which pretty much sums up what I've used it for over the last six years. The pages I've chosen to show all fall into the "brilliant" category FOR SURE. I don't use this book any longer because it's a piece of shit and it's falling apart. So here we go - Part 1 of what I call Dude Life - The Journals of Glenn William Macaulay.

(Click on image to enlarge)

These two pages were written on sometime during my time at McMaster University. Let's start with the left side.

Right away you'll notice several t-shirt designs. I seem to remember that was something I'd do in class if I was bored. None of these designs made into stores, although upon reflection some of them are reminiscent to the hats that fat guy on 30 Rock wears, so I'll just go ahead and take credit for that, okay? I still kind of like the "Grapes" one and I suppose having a shirt that says "Durable Winter Jacket" may garner a chuckle, but all-in-all most of the ideas in this book never went anywhere and are pretty dumb. BUUUUUUUT, if you look at the other stuff on this page, you'll come to find that I used this book for more than just jokes and drawings.

The phone number listed there is for a sperm donor. I remember writing the number down because someone had put an ad somewhere saying they were looking for donors and that the pay $CASH$. Because I didn't have a job this seemed like it was a good idea. Luckily for me, our student newspaper ran an article about donating around the same time, saying it wasn't as easy as it sounded. I forget why, but it wasn't anything gross like they put pins in your weiner to see how good your sperm is.

Under the t-shirts are some ideas I had for Halloween costumes: NHL referee Kerry Fraser, "Beard" (??) and Jim Henson. I remember almost doing Jim Henson but I couldn't find a muppet to use. For those of you who are gross and pictured weiner pins or something in the previous paragraph, can now proceed to imagine the last sentence as some chick telling her friend about the night she almost banged Jim Henson:


The night it almost went down. Two chicks are hammered after a night of hard partying:

"Yo so did you do it?"

"Well we were in the bedroom and he took off his vest and we were all ready to go and I said, 'do you have a condom?' and he goes 'you mean a muppet?' And I was like 'what?'"

"Weird"


They pass out.

Then the next day when they wake up

"We were soooooo drunk last night! Remember partying with Jim Henson and Dudley Moore? I kissed Dudley, but I can't remember...did you sleep with Henson?"

"I remember almost doing Jim Henson but I couldn't find a muppet to use."


There you go guys, full circle, just like a dumb game show from 1989 that would be called "FULL CIRCLE" hosted by Tino Monte:




The next page has a couple of sketch ideas and also a quick style report I complied one day while at school. Some guy had a Public Enemy scarf and this other guy who was really weird had this strange jacket and the brand was "Scotch and Soda" which I found really funny at the time. Why would I need to remember a guy with a PE scarf? So I can tell you guys about it. MISSION COMPLETE. We've gone FULL CIRCLE. "Our next guest is from Kitchener Ontario and works as a stone mason. Please welcome Bilf Crunt! Come up here Bilf and see if you can go FULL CIRCLE. The prizes today are a chair, a trip to Panama and a 32 inch televsion set."

Stayed tuned in the coming days for more Journals. After that I make share some recipes and maybe talk about my favourite lakes and rivers.

IF YOU'RE READING THIS EAT SOME CHEESE

Let's take a moment to talk about clothes. I own a lot of them for a man of my attitude. That is, I don't really care much for looking proper, but I do like to have options when I'm de-nuding in the morning.

I also like to have outfits ready for very specific occasions. For example, let's say I somehow came upon a red bowtie but never wore it. I'd probably hesitate to get rid of it just because there might be a time where I need to dress up like Pee-Wee Herman.

Most of my clothes were bought in late high school (I'm 26 now) or were given to me by my mom or sister at Christmas or my birthday. The clothes from High School are special to me because I probably bought them at Value Village, and finding clothes there is like searching for treasure. If you found a case of rubies in a creek would you want to get rid of them? NO! I also don't like getting rid of clothes that were given to me because there's something unwholesome about throwing out gifts.

Now that I've given you several good reasons as to why I have some many clothes, lets move onto the section entitled "PERSONAL STYLE"

Most would describe my style as 11 year old boy mixed with 65 year old man, which admitedly is sort of what I go for. I'm very weary of trends because as anyone who's ever owned Zubaz pants will tell you, "Guy, trends don't last. Look at these pants man. I'm stuck with them. I don't want to admit they're bad news. I also hate jeans." I guess you could say I strive for timelessness. Even though looking back at photos of yourself wearing stupid things is fun, you still kind of feel like an idiot.

I probably spend $100 dollars a year on clothes. The only items I usually spring for are shoes and jeans. These savings allow me to buy premium burgers on a semi-regular basis. Alright I'm bored. It's now YOUR turn to be a part of the Internet by taking my STYLE SURVEY:

View this quiz on Quibblo More quizzes on Quibblo

YOUR LIFE THE RECORD

Anyone who's a human being has probably at least once in their life thought about what heaven is like if it exists. I do! I don't think much about hell because there's no perks in hell to fantasize about. Thinking about what might be in heaven is like if your parents are like, "We're going on vacation to Utah."

"Why?" You ask.

"You'll see," your dad says.

Then you start thinking like, "My dad is a reasonable man. I have no idea why he wants to go to Utah but damn; there's gotta be something good."

Then you picture yourself riding to the Grand Canyon on a white stallion with a babe at your side after your mom told you something that morning like, "OK today you can do whatever you want. Here's $100. We'll be at the art gallery. Meet for dinner at 6. Hotel lobby"

Finally you get to Utah, realize the Grand Canyon is in Arizona and that the reason your parents wanted to go is because they heard the state has great fruit.

So to wrap all that up, picturing what heaven is like is similar to picturing what a trip to Utah with your parents is like, but with heaven you have more freedom to imagine because as far as I know, God doesn't live in Utah and neither do wizards, wish granting trolls or any other entities that could maybe do some cool things for you.

NOW....when I think of heaven I always imagine that when you get there you can go on a computer and look up your lifetime statistics. For example, you could look up how many beans you've eaten in your life, or the number of times you saw a cardinal. Furthermore, you can see how you rank in human history. So when I die I might be a contender for human who has had the most haircuts. Or maybe you don't even have to look. You get an interview and the angel is like "Well you came in third for most graph paper used." It's good because if you lived a good life but never really did much, you may find out that you own a record in rubber bands and so you can enjoy heaven more and play snooker with Robin Hood or someone in peace, you know?

If you're bummed out one day and there's nothing to do, don't forget that you may be close to a record, so drink that extra lemonade, stick MORE gum to your shoe or take another dump for old times sake! You might be a record holder!

UPDATE OF THE WEEK

It turns out the guy in the movie "FEAR" that I mentioned a few posts ago is more of a badass than I remember. He does kill a guy and he cuts the head off a dog.

ANOTHER STINKER

Here's another bit that I wrote a while ago that never made it to the stage. You can blame the bureaucracy that is the sketch group "The Polecats". My material has always been abrasive, and the group knew that when they started working with me. They just ended up wasting my time and effort, but you know what? No regrets. I'll always remember those rare good times: Sipping brandy under the palm trees in Key West with Erin after killing at Ron's Comedy Lounge and Bait Store; Throwing out the first pitch at the Cubs game in front of 2.9 million people; Winning the tag team championship with Brendan live on WCW's Monday Nitro in 1998 against Harlem Heat; Eating spaghetti and meatballs with Scott and Andy on the 98th floor of the Empire State building after we went to the Snooker Expo at what used to be the world famous CBGB's.

I think I'll call this stupid bit "NEW EMAIL ADDRESS". Please enjoy, and if you like what you read and are a millionaire, please give me some money.


Glenn – I got it. I got it. It was so obvious but I found one

2 – Found what?

Glenn - A new email address. I got one

2 – What is it?

G – Glenn Macaulay at gmail .com

2 – Big deal

G- Big deal? Big Deal?!

2 – Yeah big deal

G- Big Deal?!

2 – It seems obvious don't you think?

G – Big Deal?! Next time you experience a life-altering event, don't expect any excitement, wonder or jubilation from me

Phone Rings

2- Hello? Yeah. What?! Ohhhhhhhh yeah!!!!

G – What?

(2 shoos him away to listen)

2 – Uh huh. Yeah. Perfect! Yes. I won! I won. Jumpin' Jesus, I won.

G- uh huh

2- I've won a trip around the world!

G – (pretending he didn't hear what 2 said) I cut my toe nails today

2 – It's me plus one! 6 months! Expenses paid baby!

G – I put some tea on earlier. Oh yeah. You don't like tea. Nevermind

2 – So? You wanna be my plus one?


G – (struggling) yyyernnnnnnnerIummm

2 – Lets Put this email thing behind us and let’s go on this trip. You’re being stupid

G – (Boiling mad) Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (slaps guy and runs away) I’m gonna ruin your little trip fucker

6 weeks later in Egypt

2 – Oh man, the great pyramid! Oh look at that another email on my blackberry. “Fuck off”. From Glenn dot macaulay at gmail dot com.

AHHAHAHAHAHAH oh man, that ending came out of NOWHERE!!! Brilliant stuff, brilliant stuff. You can really see why the conservative pinheads in The Polecats didn't accept it. I'm just glad that I'm rid of those pukes. This stuff DESERVES an audience and thanks to you, the loyal reader, I'm finally getting the recognition I've been looking for.

When the pools open for the summer I'll be there.

I'M SO SORRY

I'm back from vacation, with a new tan, new flip flops and new new new.

Does "new" sound weird now? Yeah it does!

I was in the Dominican Republic for a week for some much needed sunshine. If you've never been to an all-inclusive resort, be prepared to share it with one of two types of people:

1) Spring Break idiots: When I went to Cancun when I was 19, the city was full of these people. I guess we (our high school graduation class) were kind of Spring Break idiots too, but I'd much rather convince myself that we were model Canadian youths, merely there to experience a different culture and maybe read a few books on the beach.

2) Canadian/UK middle-aged "dudes" and their "wives" and maybe "children": These guys where nylon sport suits and/or Maple Leaf paraphenilia, drink Tim Hortons coffee in the airport, smoke and usually have solid bellies. They also bring their own big mugs for alcoholic drinks in order to maximize efficiency. The guys from the UK are pretty much the same expect they wear soccer gear instead of hockey. These guys like to party and not wear shirts.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm turning 26. How do I feel about this you ask? Pretty bad because I don't like 26 year olds. They're generally full of themselves and have HUUUUUGE butts. In my 26th year I plan on doing more Yoga, finally getting around to starting that men's magazine I've been thinking about that features naked women fishing and skiing, and maybe leasing an ATV. We'll see. You can send birthday gifts through my publicist, Rudolph Cisnekskileewold at PO Box 656565, Santa Monica CA. Be sure to leave your name and address so I can send you back and autographed 8X10 of my in my Tennis whites.

MOVIE MYSTERIES, PART 1

My recent rant against "Father of the Bride" was a hotly debated topic in the news this week.

Canada's The Globe and Mail said "His [Macaulay's] passion and distaste toward Steve Martin's protagonist is indicative of a larger class struggle in what is believed to be a new 'war' on the bourgeois."

America's Spin Magazine said "As much as Flogging Molly's spirited Irish punk brings to mind the Pogues (as well as rowdy pub elders the Dubliners), the Los Angeles septet are as notable for their non- Celtic influences."

Thanks guys!

Because of this recent press, I've decided to post another movie-related feature entitled "MOVIE MYSTERIES"

Part 1 - Willie "Mays" Hayes

Willie "Mays" Hayes is a principle character played by Wesley Snipes in 1989's "Major League". He was replaced with Omar Epps in the sequel, "Major League II". Major League is one of the best sports movies of all time, if not one of the greatest pieces of art man has created. It has a whole lot of swearing, and the characters are zany without being overly zany a la "D2 - The Mighty Ducks" which features a hockey playing cowboy, a guy who can't stop, a couple of figure skaters and a homeboy who has super powers.

In the movie, the new owner of the Cleveland Indians deliberately hires a bunch of rag-tag misfits in order to throw the season, thus allowing her to move the team to Florida because of poor attendance. At the beginning of the film we get a sense of these players' origins:

Jake Taylor - Ex big leaguer, now living in Mexico
Rick Vaughn - Ex Con, played ball while in jail
Roger Dorn - Past his prime veteran who's turned into a pussy
Pedro Cerrano - Voodoo guy from Cuba who can hit dingers real well
Lou Brown - Manager of the Toledo Mud Hens and works at Tire World

During Spring Training, Hayes shows up uninvited, driving what looks like an old VW Beetle with a Rolls Royce hood ornament on it and wearing a sharp retro suit from the 1950's. No one knows who he is, but he manages to make it onto the team because of his blazing speed. Not once during the film do they address where he came from, nor does anyone question his origins. So MOVIE MYSTERY number 1 is "Who is Willie "Mays" Hayes?????"

My guess is that he's a time traveller from 1950's Georgia. He always dreamed of playing big league ball and one day gazed into his time crystal and saw that in 1989 the Indians would be looking for anyone who could lace up their cleats to play for them. His time machine is that weird car he drives and the rest is history. They should make a prequel called "Major League: Year Zero: The Time Bandit Chronicles".

Stay tuned to this blog for my latest project: Pitching an eco-friendly television series called "Envi! Ron Mental." It's about a guy named Ron Mental who learns about the recycling while raising his two boys.