HOW THE WEST WAS WON AND THEN LOST AGAIN DURING A CHECKERS TOURNAMENT

I may not be an A++ whiz kid, Harvard trained doctor of galaxies, but I do know that the Large Haldron Collider is a reasonably amazing thing. It's my understanding that it's a big, underground machine that simulates space sort of, so that Earth's brightest brains can unlock the secrets of the universe and creation. I wonder if this is the sort of thing that's way cooler the more you know about it, or more "tubular" the less you know about it. Like last week in the Star there was an article about a guy who worked for Area 51, and the more he talked about there not being aliens there, the less interested I was in the whole ordeal. I prefer my life to be filled with mystery and wonder, and articles like that really don't help matters, so thanks a lot Torstar Communications and Erik Lacitis of the Seattle Times. I think I'm just going to assume that the CIA guy clearly had to lie about all the E.T.s he's clothed, fed and read Richard Scary books to, because if the public found out about that shit we'd all go berserk and loot our favourite stores and libraries.

Martin Short in the set of "Inner Space"? No. The Haldron Collider. Pretty okay place huh?

As previously noted, my current understanding of the project leads me to believe that if Earth's men learn to master this thing it might unlock other dimensions and all sorts of galactic magic that might enable iPods to fly and apples to taste like peaches.

If I'm wrong and an egghead were to explain that it's actually just a big science experiment to find out how atoms react to, oh I don't know, gel or something, then I'd be highly disappointed. BUT if the same egghead were to tell me that I'm pretty much right about the other dimensions and galactic magic and that there's even more to it than that, like the findings will allow them to build a Contact-esque wormhole rollercoaster gyro car or to a much lesser extent, a Stargate, then I'd be all smiles. Do you think there's a culinary club out there called "The Eggheads" who just love eggs and eat them together, experimenting with new recipes and wear shirts that say stuff like "Must I Beg for your Eggs?" and "Give me your eggs and nobody gets hurt (except your eggs)"? I'm going to check............not that I can see, but there is a BBC quiz show, that may or may not feature questions about eggs. Eating eggs is technically grotesque. Do you think humans ate eggs because of instinct or because they saw snakes doing it first?

MEMORY OF AN EXCUSE

I used to hate going to junior high dances because you were forced to ask girls to dance and if you didn't you were instantly labeled a "gay", so I remember one dance just deciding not to go. When my friends asked me why I wasn't going, I said my family was going to visit some friends somewhere that day after school. Next time I saw them they asked if I had fun and I remember telling them, "it was okay, we watched When Harry Met Sally". I don't think I needed to be that specific, but I find comfort in an elaborate excuse. If there's one thing I'm good at it's excuses. Usually, the simpler, the better and you have to make sure you have your bases covered. In this case I knew this family we supposedly visited did indeed own the film.