HOT SNIPS

Last night I had a level 19 freak out when I discovered that my wallet went missing.

If you know me at all, you know that I like my life running as close to 100% as possible. Things that effect my level of normalcy include getting sick, losing things, having someone owe me money, worry about stuff and being all sandy after the beach. Losing something small generally effects my mood about 15%, but losing something like a wallet, which contains a large chunk of my life force will bring things down significantly. It is for this reason that I rarely, if ever, lose things of any importance.

Using my detective skills I deduced that it had probably fallen out of my pocket while riding my bike to work. Since my route is mostly major streets walked by everyone from Bay Street fancies to street dwelling smellies, I figured I had about a 50-50 chance of someone returning it to the proper authorities. I even biked my route again hoping I'd see it lying cold and lonely next to curb, but that didn't work, so I canceled my credit cards and contacted the police squad. I went to bed wanting to puke at the thought of my wally being passed around a hobo's fire, my driver's licence used as a knife to cut open the dinner skunk, my Shoppers Optimum card used as toilet paper and my $5 off bowling coupon being used for $5 off bowling.

But the police called me this morning and said someone found it intact, including $20. Who is my mystery saint? I hope it's a TIFF celebrity such as Natalie Portman, and when she saw my photo ID she got so hot that she had to sit down and grab a Powerade. As we speak she and her entourage are combing the streets looking for me, ready to whisk me away to Hollywood where I'll live like a prince, eating the finest spices and wiping my mouth with the finest silks.

Me AND my now famous wallet will be at Comedy Bar on Friday for the third edition of Gong The Show. Come on by, but don't bring your own food.