COVERING MY LIFE SOURCE IN FUDGE AND WHIPPED CREAM

This marks the end of the second longest blog hiatus I've ever had. The first longest was 12 years ago when I temporarily lost use of my brain because I ate 39 Twix bars in 46 seconds. It wasn't a dare, I just thought it might look cool and I was trying to impress this new kid at my school named Dino who had his own table saw. I may not have written anything, but I did play the best checkers of my life during that stretch, that not only captured the hearts and minds of the local media, but of Dino, who you may know today as Paul Rudd.

I feel rusty. It's the same kind of feeling one gets when it runs out of chewin' tobacco so it has to chew rubber bands instead. Then it realizes that chewing rubber bands is actually better because it's like chewing gum with built in floss. Dentists know this trick but they won't tell anyone because if they did they'd all be out of business. And what can a dentist do besides be a dentist? Pearl cleaner? Sure, but good luck getting one of those jobs. You have to know someone. And dentists only know other dentists. A dentist who knows a pearl cleaner is the ultimate human.

Since I last typed words into your zone, I had a Christmas and a Christmas vacation, a New Year marked and a New Year holiday and I went bowling once. I'm not ashamed to admit that I spent most of the time watching television, playing a video game where I get to pretend I'm a pro hockey player and thinking of local restaurants I haven't been to yet. In fact, I watched so much TV and love it so much that I even took pictures of it, as if it were my new pet bird who if real, would be called Jaspin.

Sometimes I can't wait until my digestive tract processes apples for a nice, long apple dump. Thankfully, Turner Classic Movies has me covered during the wait.

Please watch "Toronto's Talent" on Rogers Cable. This guy Memphis played a very simple blues riff for seven minutes and I think the song was called "Rockin' All Night"

Do you take Smike to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Before you start accusing me of being a lazy old mint who not only watches TV but takes pictures of it so he can post them on the Internet, which he does while he watches TV, please know that in January I'm acting in a play that will prevent me from watching TV and taking pictures of TV on a regular basis. Since I knew I was going to create entertainment come the new year, I thought I'd finish off the old year by consuming entertainment so that everything evens out. If a pizza master knows he's got a gig coming up where he's cooking up a couple hundred hot pies for a landlord looking to trap a bunch of Italians hiding in the wall, he's probably going to spend all the time leading up to the big day pigging out. He knows that when he's baking up all those cheesy babies he's going to want to eat them but he can't because of the laws of business, so he pre-stuffs, extracting all the satisfaction he can before he knows he'll be tempted. That's just mathematics 101 with Professor Commonsense, 2 classes a week for four months in the Obvious Building, South Lecture Hall, Main Campus.

Stick with me this year! There'll be tons of fun, brand new instructions on how to live better and eat longer, and hot pics of things that make you shiver. The year Twenty EGlennven. The year of putting my name into regular words.