SCREAM UNTIL YOUR SCREAM IS ALL BASS

I know it's been awhile, but I've been working behind the scenes on something HUGE and now I can legally announce that this blog has been named the Heinz Blob Blog of the Decade. This new partnership means I have FULL ACCESS to the Heinz online Sauce Vault as well as hosting rights to their popular online games Hot Dog Frisbee™ and Picnic Panic!®. Details will emerge as the week goes on, but in the meantime head over to the Heinz homepage, create an account for just $37.99 (and 100 proofs of purchase) and start creating your Avatar-tar. I gave mine a beard made of relish, but until you reach ninety thousand Squirts you'll only have access to a few dijon wigs and some branded caps.

Yeah right, though, right? Most bloggers can only dream of typing the above paragraph with total honesty. In reality, I've been sick the whole month of January, and not just one kind. I've had:

Headache
Running Nose
Stuffy Nose
Night Wets
Snoozies
Cough
Phlegm Tubes
Diarrhea
Light headedness
The Shivs
Knuckle Nose
Satisfaction with last haircut
Sore Throat

Last time I typed and you read, I gave myself a Pat on the back because I deserved it and because I'm physically unable to kiss my own lower back, which is how I usually congratulate people. Now I've never claimed to be magical (unless I'm around the fondue pot), but mere days after I Patted myself in the virtual world, I was able to get the real thing:


It seems that whatever I say in here comes true in real life, so if you'll excuse me, unlimited hot tub buffet dinners warm apartment diamonds nicer chin.

Don't get all antsy Toronto, the above shot wasn't taken at CNE, but in fabulous Los Angeles, CanIaffordit. Me and the fellas went on a trip to Obama's west coast, and I can't tell you too much about it because I don't feel like it, but I would caution studio execs to prepare thy selves for Captain Ron 2 - Shipwrecked in Vegas, which should be sliding across your desks later this year in script form.

The script will be in 3D (three duotangs), -- first act, second act, third act. Blue, red, purple, respectively. Page numbers? You bet.

Synopsis


Las Vegas -- 2:00pm -- Captain Ron crashes onto to shore, tired and injured. A strange new land awaits...

For the first time he must adapt to life on land. Hiding from the pirates who shipwrecked him, he takes a job as a blackjack dealer at Treasure Island hotel and casino and makes friends with the young casino staff who teaches him to love and laugh again. Will he ever get back to sea?